Highlander
Transcripts:
DVD Extras

[Rangers ride toward camera.]

[Cut-out of DM's head rolls across the bottom of the screen as music starts playing. As lyrics are sung, the words appear onscreen with DM's head bobbing above them, sing-along style.]

[Super (and sung):
There's a guy]

[Paxton & DM walk through town, rifles ready.]

[Super (and sung):
Who can never die
For he's immortal!
He'll chop a head
And land in bed]

[Bare legs/feet of what appears to be a woman wearing a blue shirt (or short dress?) appear in doorway and run down steps.]

[Super (and sung):
With this week's guest star]

[DM & Rangers ride across camera.]

[Super (and sung):
His hair is black
He goes by Mac]

[DM talking to Tippet about Koren [no audio].]

[Super (and sung):
He is immortal!]

[Super (and sung):
Drives a Ford
And wields a sword]

[Aerial shot of castle ruins.]

[Super (and sung):
He's had for centuries]

[Paxton & DM walk through town, rifles ready.]

[Super (and sung):
There's a guy
Who can never die
For he's immortal!]

[DM & Rangers ride across camera.]

[Super (and sung):
He'll chop a head
And land in bed]

[Bare legs/feet of what appears to be a woman wearing a blue shirt (or short dress?) appear in doorway and run down steps.]

[Super (and sung):
With this week's guest star]

[DM, inside barn, hears a noise, raises his gun. [no audio]]

[Super (and sung):
His hair is black
He goes by Mac
He is immortal!]

[Kronos jumps from hayloft.]

[Super (and sung):
Drives a Ford
And wields a sword]

[DM gallops across the moors on horseback. Playback of scene is sped up.]

[Super (and sung):
He's had for centuries]

Joe Dawson - [voice-over] He is Immortal

[Aerial shot of DM performing kata.]

Joe Dawson - [voice-over] For centuries, he has battled the forces of darkness...

[DM rides horse across mudflats by castle ruins.]

[DM beheads Slan.]

Joe Dawson - [voice-over] He cannot die, unless you take his head.

[Methos senses 'buzz'.]

Joe Dawson - [voice-over] There are others like him. Some good, some...

[Out-of-tune bagpipe music.]

Joe Dawson - [voice-over] Eh, not so good...

[DM gallops across the moors on horseback.]

Joe Dawson - [voice-over] He is not alone. Well, not usually. Unless, of course, there's a real important battle going on.

[Villagers armed with scythes & pitchforks back away, then turn & run.]

Joe Dawson - [voice-over] And then... Well, you watch your so-called friends scatter.

[Amanda, in plague cart, raises her hand toward camera.]

Amanda - [voice-over] Are you an angel?

[Martin photographs Amanda & DM from some distance away, Watcher tattoo visible on his wrist.]

Joe Dawson - [voice-over] No, you little waif. I am a Watcher.

Joe Dawson - [voice-over] Part of a secret society of men and women who--

[DM playing poker.]

Joe Dawson - [voice-over] --observe and record but never interfere.

[Joe shoots DM.]

[Joe drinks from shot glass.]

Joe Dawson - [voice-over] Well, almost never.

Joe Dawson - [voice-over] You see, I got this bar...

[Close on antique golf ball being hit by golf club.]

[Ball hits trunk of tree (not in episode).]

Joe Dawson - [voice-over] And, well, I'm not really into golf...

[Joe grins up at ceiling, opens his mouth wide (in a yawn?). (no audio)]

Joe Dawson - [voice-over] And so my days are pretty free.

[Johnny aligns gun sights.]

Joe Dawson - [voice-over] My dad--

[Hitler at conference table before bomb explodes.]

Joe Dawson - [voice-over] --he loved spy novels--

[Byron's pet goat]

Joe Dawson - [voice-over] --believed in reincarnation, and taught me--

[DM playing poker.]

Joe Dawson - [voice-over] --a killer game of ping pong. Ah, but just try and find an Immortal who's up for a match on a slow Wednesday afternoon. I mean, sure...

[Close on Matthew's hands, playing with slinky.]

Joe Dawson - [voice-over] I've wanted to chop a few heads occasionally. Mainly these directors who--

[Joe drinks from shot glass.]

Joe Dawson - [voice-over] --just can't get it right, you know?

[Hand waves clapboard around in front of camera.]

Joe Dawson - [voice-over] Do it again. Come on, Joe.

[Joe's first phone conversation with DM.]

Joe Dawson - [voice-over] Speed it up. That's not the way they wrote it!

Joe Dawson - [voice-over] Let's do it again.

[DM & Paco stand captive as natives kneel around them.]

Adrian Paul - Let's do that again. Do that again.

[Clapboard snapped at start of scene.]

Joe Dawson - [voice-over] Bloody...

[Joe shakes his head.]

Joe Dawson - [voice-over] In the end, there can be only one.

[Adrian Paul eating a green apple.]

Joe Dawson - [voice-over] May it be Duncan MacLeod...

[Close on Adrian Paul, who makes a face at the camera.]

Joe Dawson - [voice-over] The Highlander.

[While dancing with Anne, Adrian Paul belches.]

Adrian Paul - [walking toward entrance] Oh, hello, sir, how are you?

Jim Byrnes - [walking past] Very well. How about yourself?

Adrian Paul - Pretty good. [enters building] The Highlander production office. This is where all the movies are made.

Director - [offscreen] Action.

MACLEOD - [pretending to drive Ferrari, although the vehicle they are sitting in is stationary] Nineteen years ago, Carlo Capodimonte stole a million francs from me and a friend of mine. He used the money to get the casino and squeeze out the Baron.

RICHIE - That slimy bastard.

MACLEOD - Yeah, and on top of that, he stole my favorite watch!

RICHIE - And now he's going to force Marina to marry him?

MACLEOD - Yeah.

RICHIE - That son of a bitch. We gonna kill him?

MACLEOD - Something like that.

RICHIE - Let's go, baby.

Adrian - [stops, gives him a look] "Let's go, baby"?

Director - [offscreen] Cut.

Ceirdwyn - [to DM} Is that what you call it when a killer is killed? I call it justice and so did you once.

[Large spray off smoke engulfs them suddenly.]

Adrian - [grimacing] Shit!

[DM & Robert jump out of car & run for the barge.]

Robert - Oh, my God, this is a mess! Would he hurt her?

[Car rolls slowly forward behind them.]

DM - Would she take for his head?

Robert - Yeah, she would. [notices car moving, gets Adrian's attention, both run back to car]

[Adrian Paul makes mumbling noises, smacks his lips, makes faces (trying to warm up)]

Roszca - [runs past woman, into rundown apartment building] Call the cops! [pulls door closed behind him as RR runs up]

RR - [bangs on door] Open the door! [Drumroll sound effect begins as RR tries to open the door. He smashes a garbage can into the window, breaking it, reaches through broken window to unlock door... tries to open door -- still locked. Tries again to unlock door through the window, still locked.]

[Liz puffs on cigar (to blow smoke at the laser beams), but chokes on the smoke instead. Laughter from offscreen.]

[DM & Fitz ride toward camera.]

Fitz - I don't quite know what you'd do without me, MacLeod.

DM - I can but dream.

Fitz - If we'd have been a moment later, she'd made the most-- shit.

Adrian Paul - [deadpan] She made the most shit?

[Adrian Paul, sitting in passenger seat of car, snaps clapboard, squawks.]

RR - [enters barge] Somebody recognized me.

DM - I knew this would happen.

RR - I was at a cafe. I mean, a little out of the way-- I was at a cafe, a little out of the way place in the middle of nowhere-- I was at a cafe, a little-- [Adrian & Stan both crack up laughing.]

DM - If you would not mind to give me a ride to the next town, sir-- [Terence mounts his horse, who starts walking.] If you'd like to come back here. Um...

[Close on Peter, tap-dancing & humming to himself between takes.]

Adrian Paul - [putting on coat] I thought you said you didn't have a Watcher for Kronos. [turns, puts coat back on coatrack, muttering to himself:] On. Jesus Christ, almighty-- {gee, aquante po-la chinga munene, ca la pucci tu tina maquita.}

(I have no idea what he is saying here, is this Italian??)

[Stan, standing next to wine rack (but not chained to it), shakes his head.]

[Person with clapboard snaps clapboard.]

Adrian Paul - [ducks into camera frame] This is Highlander, year five, the magic show.

Director - [offscreen] Action!

[Stuntman falls onto bear trap set up in middle of room & it closes around his head.]

[DM & Fitz ride toward camera.]

Fitz - I don't quite know what you'd do without me, MacLeod.

DM - I can but dream.

Fitz - If we'd have been a moment later, she'd made-- oh, god!

[Adrian mimes shooting him with a finger-gun, makes shooting-gun noises.]

RR - [holding katana, imitating DM] I am Duncan Macleod of the clan MacLeod.

[Drumroll sound effect as Stan stands at the locked door, his head and left arm through the broken window, still trying to undo the lock.]

Adrian Paul - You knew Juan Sanchez Lopez Lopez Ramirez? That dick. [looks at camera] You wanna cut or what?

Director - [sitting behind viewing monitor] Cut! [jumps to his feet]

DM - [to Walter] Don't even think about it.

Claudia - Think about what?

DM - It doesn't matter. Walter's leaving.

Walter - No, I'm not.

DM - Yes, you are, Walter. [throws his jacket at him, pushes him into elevator] Go, go-- good night. Go on, fuck off.

Methos - You know him?

Byron - Yes. Hans Kershner.

[Methos slides over on carriage seat & Byron steps over seat to join him but slips on Methos's cloak. Peter laughs at him.]

Amanda - [walks past camera] Really.

Carolyn - [walks into frame] It's simple.

[A soft twanging noise can be heard offscreen before DM joins her. She give him a look, snorts a laugh.]

[Person with clapboard snaps clapboard.]

Amanda - [walks past camera] Really.

Carolyn - [walks into frame] It's simple. Duncan M-- [Adrian joins her, stumbles.] Duncan MacLeod is a clutz.

[DM falls over, unconscious, to pratfall sound effects.]

DM - [as Ashe (already offscreen) heads for church ruins] Hey, I dropped my friggin' apples.

Ashe - [offscreen] Leave the fucking apples.

DM - Okay. [walks offscreen]

Terence - Gentlemen of our caliber stick together. [leans forward as DM attempts to mount behind him] Especially-- [Adrian tries again, even less successfully.]

[Adrian Paul, between takes, stands with katana resting on his shoulder, whistling.]

[Adrian fires pistol, the horse he is riding reacts, and he falls off, to pratfall sound effect.]

Terence - Gentlemen like us, we should stick together. [takes katana from DM, leans forward as DM mounts behind him] Especially when--

Adrian - Stand in that saddle.

Alistair - Oh, fuck.

Adrian - [slides back down] No--

Adrian Paul - I'll get a ------ Oscar for this. Excuse me.

Amanda - If he goes up against Keane, thinking he deserves to lose, he'll lose. He'll die, Methos.

Peter - Then we get our own show. [laughs]

Director - [offscreen] Cut.

[Cops & SWAT all stand ready, weapons pointed toward warehouse exit.]

DM - Carl, no!

[beat]

Adrian Paul - [jumps up and down with finger guns] Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

Amanda - Look, if he goes up against Keane, and he thinks he deserves to lose, he'll lose. He might die, Methos.

[Beat, then both crack up laughing.]

Liz - [laughing] Sorry.

[Lisa Howard, wearing operating gown, makes a scrunched face.]

Joe - Hey, I didn't drag my heinie up this goat path for the view.

[Close on DM during tango. DM rolls his eyes. Sound effect of goat bleating.]

DM - Yeah, he grew up here. He figured a place like this would keep the kids off the streets.

Methos - Yeah, which is really important, 'cause they could get real bad hurt out on the street.

Adrian - Real bad hurt?

Peter - [laughs] I don't know.

Adrian - Real bad hurt. Oooh. Somebody teach him English, would you?

Adrian Paul - [making "I just flubbed a line" sounds] pzzt blbl whatabout bwuh

DM - So what does that make me?

Derek - You know what you are... Satan.

DM - [chuckles] I'm the Devil?

Roger - [starts laughing] No, sorry, I'm sorry.

Adrian - [offscreen] Come on, baby!

Matthew - Well, then you must know where he is.

DM - No, I don't.

Matthew - Tell me, MacLeod! Or I'll book you right now.

[beat]

Adrian Paul - [flutters hand fan, with southern belle accent:] Well, I'll have to think about that.

[Adrian Paul, looking directly at camera, waves his arms across his chest, then strokes his chin contemplatively.]

Director - [offscreen (or voice-over)] Cut!

Liz - No, you've got to turn your head completely that way. Thank you. [turns Peter's head away from looking at her]

[Person with clapboard snaps clapboard.]

Liz - Look, if he goes up against Keane, thinking he deserves to lose, he'll lose. [starts laughing] He'll die, Methos.

[Drumroll sound effect. Stan is STILL standing at the locked door, his head and left arm through the broken window, trying to undo the lock.]

Director - [offscreen] Cut.

[Stan turns away from locked door toward camera, flashes both middle fingers at the camera and says 'Fuck', which is bleeped.]

DM - Amanda.

Amanda - MacLeod.

Adrian - [over-the-top] What a surprise! [as Liz laughs, camp:] Oh, this outfit's lovely. I just love it.

Adrian - [at baccarat table, to camera] I love this bow tie. I love this bow tie. It's the best bow tie I've ever had to wear.

Man with clapboard - Take two. [snaps clapboard]

Adrian - [to Stan] I can't wait to cut your head off.

[Young boy (maybe 4 years old?) snaps clapboard.]

RR - Note to myself -- don't piss off MacLeod.

["Odd Job Man / I Wanna Be a James Bond Girl" by Leroy Holmes]

Adrian Paul - [enters courtyard, flamboyantly draws his sword] I'm here, the Highlander with the gay blade. [Laugh track plays.] Swish, swish. It's over there.

Kalas - [into phone] Listen carefully. He's to meet me in one hour. If I find that he is not at the appointed rendezvous....

Director - [offscreen] What will you do to him?

Kalas - [into phone] I will rip his bollocks off, fry them gently in red wine, and stuff them up his ass until he vomits them out of his mouth.

Director - [offscreen] Cut. Thank you.

[Crew laughs.]

[Adrian Paul turns to camera, shrugs.]

[Kalas is singing Rudolfo's part of "O Soave Fanciulla", from "La Bohème" by Puccini.]

Director - [as music stops] Cut the {??}. Cut.

[David Robb continued to lip-synch after the soundtrack stopped. Crew laughs.]

Kit - Oh, now that is what I call style.

DM - That is Amanda.

Kit - Amanda? Well, she can make an entrance.

DM - You should see her exit.

Kit - Introduce us.

DM - [moves forward to greet her] Amanda, good evening.

Amanda - Ah, MacLeod. Bonsoir.

[He kisses her hand. Phone rings offscreen.]

Kit - Phone for you. [takes her hand]

[Jim Byrnes has a cell phone held to his ear (as seen in the opening credits), grins at the camera.]

Robert - Well, well, well. What have we here? Mice in the pantry. And Immortal mice, at that.

Fitz - [sotto to DM] I told you there was another way in. Didn't I tell you?

DM - Be quiet. [to Robert] I'd be careful who you're calling a mice-- a mouse, something like that.

[Adrian Paul tosses backpack into canoe, slides canoe down bank into water & jumps in. Canoe tips over, dumping Adrian into the water.

Adrian Paul - {I guess} the boat sunk!

[Crew laughs as he slogs back to shore.]

DM - [hands RR his katana] Keep an eye on it for me.

RR - Mac, that's one of the first thing you-- [cracks up laughing]

Adrian - [innocently] What's wrong? [turns his back to the camera, revealing a piece of notepaper taped to his back]

Director - [offscreen] Cut.

Adrian - No, don't cut. Keep it rolling.

[Camera zooms in on the note:
man flips canoe / FRANTIC SEARCH / Survivor left hanging for hours / saved after Chilling / Dip]

Adrian Paul - It's freezing!

Charlie - I may never lead your... [forgets line]

Adrian Paul - [lifts headless dummy dressed as Jean-Philippe up to camera] He's my friend.

Director - [offscreen] Action.

Charlie - I may never lead-- [Adrian Paul & Dougray Scott start laughing.] --your campaign.

DM - So... What should we talk about?

Dominique - Sex.

DM - Hm, guess it's not out of the question, then.

[They both chuckle.]

Director - [offscreen] Cut.

Edward - He's American, and they have this ridiculous obsession with breasts.

RR - I don't know, Mac. She drugged me, kidnapped me, tied me to a bed. If you ask me, I think that's a pretty solid foundation for a relationship.

DM - Hey, I'm not Dr. Ruth.

[Adrian Paul opens envelope, takes out foil-wrapped condom packet. Crew member laughs off screen. Camera pans up to Adrian's & Jim's faces.]

Adrian Paul - [to Jim] Must be one of Stan's.

Jim Byrnes - Oh, my... [Crew laughs.]

Adrian Paul - [to Jim] Do you want it?

Jim Byrnes - Yeah. [holds up condom] Hey, that's a year's supply!

[Adrian Paul laughs.]

Voice - [offscreen] That's my line.

Fitz - I'm trying, my lady. I am trying. Believe me, I'm trying. My God, I am trying.

Director - [offscreen] Cut.

[DM kisses & embraces Cassandra for a long take.]

Tracy Scoggins - If this goes on much longer, I'm going to need to get some birth control.

[Adrian Paul laughs.]

RR - We'll come visit.

DM - Yeah.

Mikey - [takes cap off] I'll stay here. [sits in chair]

DM - Uh... Mikey, have you ever been to a real switching yard?

Pruitt Taylor Vince - [glares at DM] Don't patronize me. Hey, Mikey, look at Mikey, he's so cute. Hey, Mikey, here's a toy. Blah, blah, blah. I've had it up to here with you two clowns. And look, as soon as I find an apartment, I'm outta here, alright?

Adrian Paul - [trying to interrupt his monologue] Hey, Mikey, Mikey...

Pruitt Taylor Vince - [turns to RR] And you -- I got your choochoo train right here. [gestures at his crotch] Geez.

DM - Ah, Timon, you've been here a long while. [starts pacing] I mean, I mean how do you take the lack of... I mean... well, you know.

Timon - You mean women?

DM - Aye. I mean, look! [lifts his monk's robes, revealing white boxers underneath with a black stain on the front] They cross my mind.

[Crew chuckles offscreen.]

Timon - Well, I wank.

DM - [sits down beside Timon] Well, Timon, you and I should have a talk.

Timon - [puts his hand on DM's back] Come down to the rectory.

DM - {??} Come on, Timon. Let's go.

[DM enters, eating takeout.]

[As lyrics are sung, the words appear onscreen with cut-out of DM's head bobbing above them, sing-along style.]

[Super (and sung):
There's a guy
Who can never die
(and) You may think he's fun]

[DM & the Rangers ride into town.]

[Super (and sung):
But his friends are old
And his fate's foretold]

[DM & Rangers ride across camera.]

[Super (and sung):
To keep the bad guys on the run]

[Sword point thrusts through closed door. Sword blade starts cutting downward through the door.]

[Super (and sung):
So he's feelin' bored
Suddenly there's his sword
Hey! Where did that come from?]

[Headless model soldier sitting on edge of table.]

[Super (and sung):
He'll chop a (your) head
And you'll fall dead
Cuz' in the end there's only one]

[Keane gives DM the time & place for their duel.]

[Super (and sung):
And in the end there's only one]

[DM sitting by fire, eating rabbit, senses 'buzz'.]

[Super (and sung):
But in the end there's still reruns]

[Person with clapboard snaps clapboard.]

Director - [offscreen] Wait. Ready, and action.

Fitz - [offscreen] So who has the honor of the first swing?

Adrian Paul - [scoffs] It makes no matter to me, because I'm going to bury you in the... toilet. We'll do that again.

---

Fitz - [offscreen] So who has the honor of the first swing?

Adrian Paul - [scoffs] It make--

[Cow moos offscreen.]

Fitz & DM - [together, to cow] I beg your pardon. [Fitz chuckles.]

Adrian Paul - Excuse me. Would you say that again?

---

Fitz - [offscreen] So who has the honor of the first swing?

DM - [scoffs] It makes no matter to me, because I'm going to drive you into the-- [Cow moos.] --ground.

---

Adrian Paul - [motions with his thumb] Get up close to the camera. [Camera zooms in close on his face.] No, no, I didn't mean you.

---

Fitz - [offscreen] So who has the honor of the first swing?

[Cow moos loudly offscreen. Adrian bursts out laughing.]

Fitz - [offscreen] Your friend?

---

Adrian Paul - Cow's stealing my lines! [to cow] Get off!

---

[Adrian tries to hold a straight face. Cow moos. Adrian starts laughing.]

---

Fitz - [offscreen] So who has the honor of the first swing?

[Adrian laughs again, even though the cow didn't moo this time.]

---

Fitz - [offscreen] So who has the honor of the first swing?

DM - [scoffs] It makes no matter to me, because I'm going to bury you in-- Oh, God, not 'buried'. Sorry.

---

Fitz - [offscreen] So who has the honor of the first-- [Cow moos loudly.]

Adrian Paul - [chuckling] Will you shut up?!

Roger Daltrey - [offscreen] Do you mind? We're trying to play a serious game here.

["Cow feet" nudge at DM's katana lying on the grass. Sound effect of cow bellowing. Cut to slow-motion shot of Adrian, in costume, laughing. Shot of katana being raised overhead.]

Fitz - [voice-over] MacLeod, behind you!

[Katana swings down with 'chopping' sound effects & cow moo. Sound of body falling to the ground.]

Fitz - [voice-over] MacLeod!

[Brief clips from various episodes, often involving animals, as cow takes DM's Quickening.]

Adrian Paul - [wearing black trench coat over red shirt, leaning against lectern] I hope you enjoyed what you saw. If not, blame the writers. Look for Highlander in your area, and watch your head! Because as [flubs line] as zhemortals zay, I can't help it anymore.

[laughter]

Director - [offscreen] Okay. Print it. Okay.