Monarch of the Glen

Episode Transcripts

 

Series 1, Episode 1

Based on the novels by Compton MacKenzie

Produced by Nick Pitt
Directed by Edward Bennett
Written by Michael Chaplin

For BBC Scotland
Airdate: Feb 27, 2000

 

Zzickle's Notes:

I don't own Monarch of the Glen - The contents of this transcript are taken directly from the episode (with help of closed captions), to the best of my ability.

These transcripts were made because 1. My dad has trouble understanding some of the very Scottish accents (and colloquialisms), 2. The DVDs have closed captions, not subtitles, which can only be viewed on our computer, not with any TV DVD players, and 3. Even on the computer, the captions are very hard to read because of the way that they overlap on top of each other.

If you want to post this transcript on your site, please let me know where it is going so I can visit it. Also, please post it with my name (Zzickle) and website (http://zzickle.topcities.com/) on it.

You are more than welcome to use these transcripts in your fanfiction stories, no notification required.

Cast List:

Archie MacDonald - Alastair Mackenzie
              Laird of Glenbogle

Hector MacDonald - Richard Briers
              Archie's father

Molly MacDonald - Susan Hampshire
              Archie's mother

Golly Mackenzie - Alexander Morton
              Estate groundskeeper

Lexie MacDonald - Dawn Steele
              Estate housekeeper

Duncan McKay - Hamish Clark
              Estate handyman

Phoneman - Peter Lochburn

Justine Thatcher - Anna Wilson-Jones
              Archie's girlfriend

Katrina Finlay - Loraine Pilkington
              head school teacher

Maureen MacLean - Carole Cassidy
              school teacher

Robert Fraser - John Dougal
              Estate manager

Mr. Potts - Lloyd McGuire
              a millionaire

Mr. Andersson - Robert Addie
              a millionaire

 

1 - Big Eric

Hectorís bedroom

Hector - [humming and shaving, hears cow bellow] Now what or who would you say that is, Monty? [Looks through telescope at buck] Good Lord. Big Eric. [runs downstairs] Lexie! Golly! Where are you?

Lexie - Whatís new, pussycat?

Hector - Lexie, my jacket! Golly! Come on, come on.

Lexie - Donít tell me, Youíve been invited on ďThe Clothes ShowĒ?

Hector - Golly!

Golly - Whatís all the commotion?

Molly - [pruning bushes outside, as Hector runs past] Morning, darling.

Hector - [reaches lake shore] Stand aside, boy.

Duncan - [climbing off jet ski] What?

Hector - Give me that. [takes rifle case from Duncan]

Duncan - Sir, you should be careful.

Hector - Stand aside.

Golly - Hector! What is it?

Hector - Big Eric, Golly, Big Eric! [takes off on jet ski]

Molly - Whatís my foolish husband up to now?

Duncan - I tried to tell him, honest.

Golly - Tell him what?

Duncan - That the throttle keeps jamming. [all four watch as out on the lake, the jet ski starts to swerve erratically]

Hector - [dumps jet ski] Arghhh!

 

2 - Main Titles

[opening credits]

 

3 - The Prodigal Son

Flying Fish Restaurant

[telephone ringing on desk]

Waiter - [answers phone] Hello, Flying Fish Restaurant.

Archie - [walking through empty restaurant] Come on, Terry, get a move on. Curtain up in three hours.

Justine - [finishing conversation on phone at bar] Right, Iíve rung round. Eleven have confirmed, all bringing partners.

Waiter - Archie, telephone.

Archie - Oh great, a swarm of critics all coming here. No, thatís not right -- What is it? A shoal? A flock? Terry, thatís the collective noun for food writers? [walks through kitchen area]

Justine - [following Archie] Why are you so calm? Iím terrified already.

Archie - What could they do but destroy the enterprise weíve slaved for years to get going?

Justine - Shut up.

Archie - Justine, it will be wonderful. Youíll be serene and beautiful. Theyíll love our little place, the food. [reaches desk and picks up phone] Hello. [pause] Mother.

Molly - Your father. Nasty accident, dear, in the loch.

Archie - In the loch? [pause] No, of course, Iíll come. [pause] Yeah, Iíll get the sleeper tonight. [pause] Okay. Bye. [hangs up the phone] My fatherís had some sort of accident. Iím sorry, tonight of all nights.

Justine - You have to go. Iíll book you a cab to Euston. Iíll manage. Archie, this is just a tiny restaurant. Your family are ten times more important.

 

4 - The Clan MacDonald

Glenbogle train station

Duncan - [pulls up in land rover] You be himself?

Archie - Yeah, I suppose I am. [collects his bags] How is he today?

Duncan - Your dad? Ach, heís in a terrible state.

 

Hectorís bedroom

Hector - What did you do that for, you stupid woman?

Molly - Oh do stop fussing, Hector.

Hector - What will he do when he gets here, eh? Damn boyís always been as much use as a chocolate teapot.

Molly - Hector, you know very well -- itís time.

Hector - I donít want him here. [Lexie enters bearing tray] And what do you want?

Lexie - Going fishing again, are we, Hector?

Hector - I couldnít find my slippers, damn it.

Lexie - [sets tray on bed] Enjoy.

Hector - Hags and harpies. Iím surrounded by hags and harp-- Where are my marmite soldiers?

Lexie - I had them court-martialed and shot.

Hector - I always have marmite soldiers1 with my boiled egg.

Lexie - Bairns will be bairns.

Hector - I am Hector Naismith MacDonald, 14th chief of an ancient line, Laird of Glenbogle, Ochintummel and Blawearie, or to you, girl, just plain sir.

Lexie - Ach, away and play with your lineage.

 

Downstairs foyer, some time later

Lexie - [watching through front window as Archie gets out of the rover, Duncan comes in next to her] Mm-mm. Tasty. Eh, Duncan? Duncan. Duncanít. [she runs upstairs, Duncan follows carrying Archieís bags.]

Archie - [enters empty foyer] Hello? Hello?

Molly - [descends stairs] Oh, darling.

Archie - Mother. [they kiss] How is he?

Molly - How was your journey?

Archie - How bad is it?

Molly - Weíre so glad youíre back. We need you, you see.

Archie - What did the doctor say?

Hector - [from the landing] So, the vultures are circling.

Archie - Father.

Hector - Excited by the prospect of my imminent demise? [descends stairs] Well, Iím sorry to disappoint you.

Archie - You were supposed to be really ill.

Hector - I was temporarily immersed in water. A trifle peaty, but I donít expect to start dissolving.

Archie - Just what is going on here?

Hector - Tell me, howís that bar of yours doing?

Molly - Hector, behave. [to Archie] Pay no attention, dear.

Archie - It's not a bar. Itís a restaurant. It opened last night.

Hector - Never thought a son of mine would turn out a publican. I blame that awful Thatcher woman.

Archie - Iím going back right now.

Molly - Darling, I-I --

Archie - [turns to leave and meets a man just coming in] And who are you?

Hector - Ah, Robbie, my boy.

Fraser - Robert Fraser. Great to meet you. I, uh, manage the estate. Under your fatherís guiding hand, of course.

Hector - [chuckles] And a jolly good job you make of it. Come, weíve work to do. [they leave]

Archie - Mother!?

 

Upstairs, a few minutes later

Archie - We worked for months -- for years to get the premises, get the money, the staff. Finally it all comes together, we plan this big opening night -- and where am I?

Molly - He was so very fragile.

Archie - Iím on a sleeper to Scotland, hurrying to my dying fatherís bedside.

Molly - I thought you might be able to help. Thatís all.

Archie - Help with what? [Duncan appears from room at end of hall] Duncan, where are my bags?

Duncan - Theyíre in the, um . . . [motions toward the room, then slips past]

Molly - I thought you should like your old room.

Archie - I have to get back. Iím sorry.

Molly - Whatever you say. Youíre a good boy. [leaves Duncan standing outside his room]

 

5 - Katrina

Glenbogle school

Maureen - Katrina, youíll never guess. Heís returned.

Katrina - Who, Maureen? The Jedi? Jesus Christ? Elvis Presley?

Maureen - The son and heir, Archie MacDonald. After all these years.

Katrina - Maureen, I will not have my life defined by the tedious goings-on at what youíre pleased to call ďthe big house.Ē

Maureen - Very good-looking from what I hear.

 

Downstairs foyer

[Archie tries to place a phone call, but canít get a dial tone. He pulls out his cell and wanders off, looking for better reception. Molly watches, then sneaks in, grabs the phone, plugs it into a jack, and starts dialing.]

Archie - [dials cell phone, after finally finding good reception] Justine?

Molly - [dialing phone downstairs, hears Duncan coming] Ah, Duncan -- Archie will be wanting to go back to the station.

Duncan - Iíll be ready for him.

Molly - Jolly good. [talks into phone] Geordie, itís Molly.

Archie - [talking on cell phone] Hi, itís me. Hello. Yeah. No, heís fine.

Molly - [into phone] Fontwell Park, 4:30, horse called . . . [puts on reading glasses and looks at newspaper] ďTickle My Fancy.Ē What price? [pause] Put fifty on for me. Good man.

Archie - [into cell phone] Well, itís not quite as simple as that. Hello? [looks at phone] Oh, God. Hello? Hello? [moves out onto balcony] Hello, Justine? Justine, hello? Hello? Justine . . . Justine!

 

Woods surrounding Glenbogle

Golly - [in bird hide, watching ospreys through binoculars] Momís on the nest. Dadís off fishing. Trying anyway. [hands binoculars to Katrina]

Katrina - Heís a useless specimen.

Golly - Itís the same throughout nature -- female does the work making the home, looking after the bairns, putting food on the table --

Katrina - Very funny.

Golly - Whereas the male now, he just stumbles along, unsure of himself, what heís supposed to be doing . . . making a mess wherever he goes. Just like that fellow there.

Katrina - Where? [sees Archie in distance, runs after him and tackles him] Get up!

Archie - Are you mad?

Katrina - Too right, Iím mad. God, I hate you people.

Golly - Katrina.

Katrina - Come away out of there!

Golly - Katrina!

Archie - Golly? Is that you?

Golly - Laddie.

Archie - Itís great to see you, really.

Golly - Thou were away too long, youngster.

Katrina - Golly, this is him, isnít it?

Golly - I donít know? [to Archie] Are you him?

Archie - I was, until the wild woman of the woods started to rearrange my arms and legs.

Katrina - Now listen, you . . .

Golly - Archie, meet Katrina, a loyal tenant of the Glenbogle Estate.

Katrina - I thought you were after the ospreys.

Archie - The what?

Katrina - Big thing with feathers, nests in that tree there. Nearly extinct thanks to chinless wonders who thought they looked better on the mantelpiece.

Archie - Okay, Mrs. Attenborough2, Iíve seen the documentary.

Golly - The nest further up the glen was robbed last week.

Katrina - Thatís why we built the hide. Organized a rota to watch the nest.

Golly - What she means is the kids built the hide. She organized the rota.

Katrina - Well, if the landowner wonít take his responsibilities seriously, the community will. Itís our land really, anyway.

Archie - Iím sorry, run that one past me again, will you?

 

Dirt road through woods

Archie - You have a family, then?

Katrina - No, I donít.

Archie - Itís just that Golly mentioned you had kids.

Katrina - Oh. Iím the head teacher of the village school.

Archie - Oh, that old place.

Katrina - Itís very well equipped. And the kids are as bright as buttons.

Archie - Iím sure. I didnít mean --

Katrina - Good thing, too, Ďcause theyíre the future of this place, not -- Anyway, are you staying long?

Archie - No, I have to get back tonight. Well, well, would you look at that. [walks toward bright red telephone booth by the road]

Katrina - Weíve all manner of modern contraptions up here, you know. Telephones, spinning jennies, the wheel.

 

6 - Trapped

Driveway

[Duncan rummages under hood of rover, closes hood and walks off tossing something small]

 

Downstairs foyer

[muted hip-hop music playing in another room]

Archie - Mother, Father -- I have to go -- the sleeper.

Molly - Oh. Very well, darling. Lovely to see you. Take care.

Hector - Off you toddle. I did enjoy our little chat. [raises voice] Turn that wretched hurdy-gurdy off.

 

Kitchen

[Duncan, listening to hip-hop music, is building a fishing fly]

Golly - You wonít catch much with that object, laddie, except maybe a cold. Archieís waiting.

Lexie - [taking pan out of oven] Does this smell all right to you?

 

Driveway

Duncan - Sorry. [jumps in rover. Engine wonít start] No go. Iíll have to strip the carburetor.

Archie - Really?

 

Dining room

Hector - [as Archie enters and sits] Well, what are we having? Fatted calf? I hope not.

Fraser - [enters room] Oh, sorry Iím late. [sees Archie] Great. Youíre staying. Love to show you around. Iíve had another quote on the timber, Hector. Looks quite promising.

Hector - Good boy.

Fraser - See, Archie, prices have fallen through the floor. Cheap imports from Scandinavia. Itís hardly worth growing the things. But I had this idea --

Hector - Donít waste your breath, Robbie. He wonít be interested. [looks toward kitchen] A man could starve in his own dining room here. Lexie!

 

Kitchen

[Golly clears his throat]

Lexie - Iíd suck a ďFishermanís FriendĒ if I had a throat like that.

Golly - Trousers.

Lexie - Aye, one must maintain standards, mustnít one? [grabs skirt and switches out of her jeans]

 

Dining room

Hector - [hears bagpipes playing] Ah. [Golly arrives playing bagpipes, followed by Lexi with platter of food. Hector prepares to carve the meat and the lights go out] Hellís flames. Not again.

 

Basement, short while later

Duncan - Oh, heck. Fuse again.

Lexie - [holding flashlight] Itís kind of exciting, eh? Down here in the dark, crushed up like a pair of amorous sardines.

Duncan - Pass us the screwdriver.

Lexie - You always were one for your tools? Eh, big boy? [Duncan bends down to grab screwdriver] Careful, Dunc, youíre squeezing my funbags. [laughs]

 

Dining room

Hector - How does she do it? Iíve tasted better shoe leather.

Molly - She does her best, dear.

Hector - I sometimes think she does it deliberately. And what says the expert? Would you serve this muck? Tell me, this cafť of yours, when you have customers, do they actually pay you money?

Molly - Hector, must you be so rude?

Hector - Bad behavior is one of the few privileges of old age.

Lexie - Anyone for another slice of bambi?

Hector - [to Archie] Well, whoíd have thought it? You of all people.

Archie - Build something of my own, you mean? Yes, that must be amazing to someone like you.

Lexie - Maybe not.

Hector - Glenbogle has been my career, dear boy. If you want to see my life, as Christopher Wren said -- ďLook about you.Ē

Archie - At what? This crumbling ruin where the phone doesnít work and the lights donít come on? [electricity comes back on]

Hector - And the Lord said ďLet there be light.Ē [Fraser enters and sits] Thank you, Robbie.

Molly - Sorry you missed your train, dear. Very irritating.

Archie - Yes. But Iíll make sure I get it tomorrow night.

 

7 - Laird of Glenbogle

Archieís bedroom

Hector - [singing in distance] Though the way be long / Let your heart by strong . . .
                            Though your heart by weary / Weíll travel on
                            Till you come to your loving abode
              [Archie, awakened by the singing, moves to the window]
                            Where all the love / Youíve been dreaming of
                            Will be there at the end of the road. [finishes song] Ah, thatís it.

[Archie walks down hallway, glances out window and sees Fraser talking with two men by a red pickup. Fraser shakes menís hands and they drive off]

 

Estate Office

Fraser - Ah, Iíll call you back. Yes. [hangs up phone] Archie. Morning.

Archie - Weíve been reconnected, then? I thought weíd been cut off.

Fraser - Oh, things arenít quite that bad.

Archie - The estateís in trouble?

Fraser - Look, um . . . [reaches into desk drawer] Why donít you have a wee peek at this on your laptop? [hands Archie a disk] It sets out all you need to know in black and white . . . and steadily encroaching red.

 

Archieís bedroom, short while later

Archie - [looking at downward trending graphs on laptop] Blimey.

 

Library

Archie - Have you seen the figures?

Hector - Fraserís always banging on about them. No time for them myself.

Archie - Father, itís serious. The bank are --

Hector - My dear boy, the MacDonalds have been in hock to those shysters since the Battle of Culloden.

Archie - You owe them a fortune. They could sling you out whenever they wanted.

Hector - My father once gave me the most wonderful piece of advice.

Molly - [enters room] Youíve spoken to Fraser?

Hector - ďLife,Ē he said, ďsometimes bowls one a bumper--ď

Archie - Father, for once, will you please just listen to me?

Hector - ďBut the important thing, is always to play a straight bat.Ē

Archie - This is about the future -- yours and motherís. You must do something.

Hector - Iím very grateful for your concern, if not your advice, but as weíve done without either for the last ten years --

Molly - Hector. Stop this nonsense. You must tell him.

Archie - Tell me what?

Molly - [when Hector remains silent] Very well. The estate no longer belongs to your father.

Hector - Molly.

Molly - It was made over to you some time ago, through a trust.

Archie - I own the house? The estate?

Hector - Legal technicality. Tax dodge. The lawyers made me do it.

Molly - [to Archie] If we hadnít, youíd have been liable to crippling death duties . . . well, er, later on.

Archie - Iím Laird of Glenbogle?

Molly - Youíre the only son.

Hector - Not how it should have been.

Molly - Come on, I think weíre all in need of a sherry.

Hector - Iím not finished yet. Not by a long chalk. Iím still head of the family, and donít you forget it.

 

Estate Office

Fraser - The place has been hemorrhaging cash for years. Well, you know what these highland estates are like. They need a sugar daddy. Always have, always will.

Archie - You were saying the timber brings in nothing.

Fraser - Oh, and your father wonít let me market the sporting side properly, or raise rents, or sack any of the estate workers. I mean, Golly, for instance. Heís well past his sell-by date.

Archie - Gollyís family.

Fraser - Of course. Heís a marvelous chap. Anyway . . . itís all yours now.

Archie - Well, I wonít have it. But I might be able to persuade my father to do the sensible thing.

Fraser - Which is what?

Archie - Give you your head?

Fraser - I could cut the losses, but it still wouldnít pay its way.

Archie - So . . . ?

Fraser - Well, your parents are . . . cash-poor but asset rich. Itís obvious. Hanging on, itís . . . putting off the inevitable.

Archie - Sell Glenbogle.

Fraser - Thereís a couple of chaps coming to stalk tomorrow who, uh . . . might be interested.

 

8 - Bankrupt

Library

Hector - Ah, how is the new proprietor? Got everything sorted out, have you? Lexie, youíre looking very pert today.

Lexie - Down, Hector.

Hector - Isnít pert the most splendid word?

Archie - Father--

Hector - Told me a good one the other day, didnít you, girl? Man goes to see quack, says ďDoctor, Iíve a cricket ball stuck up my whatís-it.Ē

Archie - Thereís something we need to talk about.

Hector - Doctor says, ďHowís that?Ē Man says, ďDonít you start.Ē Ha, ha! ďDonít you start.Ē [laughs, then coughs]

Archie - Iím only going to say this once. I didnít come back here because I wanted to -- My life is somewhere else. And I didnít ask you to give me the estate, itís the last thing I wanted. I told you that years ago.

Hector - I didnít do it for you. For the family, fourteen generations of it--

Lexie - Fairy cake, anyone?

Archie - The estate is bankrupt.

Hector - Want to run away again, do you?

Archie - Thereís only one thing to be done. It must be sold.

Hector - [stands] Never!

Archie - You have to be protected from yourself. I shall sell it for you.

Hector - I sometimes wonder what I did to deserve you as a son. [leaves room]

Lexie - Thatís easy. You impregnated his mother.

Archie - Father! [follows him out]

Hector - I feel a bit shivery. Iím going to bed.

Archie - Donít be ridiculous.

Hector - I donít feel at all well. [goes upstairs]

Molly - [heard faintly from behind a door] Come on, Geordie. I am not going to back one of his horses. The manís hopeless. He couldnít train white mice to eat cheese. [looks up, startled, at Archieís approach] Iím sorry, darling. It was all in a good cause.

Archie - This place is no good for me. Iím going home now.

 

Driveway

Archie - Duncan! Duncan! [Duncan runs up] The station, and no funny business this time. [they climb into the land rover and drive off]

Duncan - [driving the rover] Get permission from the escape committee? I love that film. Steve McQueen on his big German bike3 -- Brrrmm, brrr. [imitates motorcycle noises] Station. Youíll be after the sleeper. Itís Saturday, mind.

Archie - I know, Duncan. I did a time management course once. And one of the first things they taught me was the days of the week.

Duncan - Sleeper doesnít run on a Saturday.

[Rover comes to a screeching halt and Archie gets out]

Archie - Iíll walk back. I need air. [walks down dirt road alone, then almost gets run over by a red pickup] Hey!

Golly - [from the bushes] Shush, laddie -- Youíll disturb the wildlife. Come on.

Archie - Golly?

[They climb a hill and watch the pickupís occupants take out a ladder and disappear into the woods. Archie and Golly follow.]

Golly - [sniffing] I smell something. Something sweet.

Katrina - [drops out of nearby tree] Did you bring your shotgun?

Golly - Nice perfume, lass.

Katrina - Iíd like to shoot the pigs. I saw lights coming from the hide. There.

[They sneak up to a tree with the ladder leaning against it. Golly moves the ladder away.]

Man 1 - Hey, whoís that?

Man 2 - Whatís going on?

Golly - Save your breath to cool your broth. Or for your statements. Policeíll be here in about an hour.

Archie - Will they not frighten the ospreys?

Katrina - They would do if they had the right tree.

Man in tree - Thanks for nothing, clothead.

 

Katrinaís house, evening

Archie - I saw the van parked at the house this morning. Fraser was talking to the driver.

Golly - You can bet your bottom dollar it wonít be the only way heís robbing your da.

Archie - Well, itíll never stand up in court.

Katrina - Who said anything about a court? The Laird has a quiet word with the factor and then heís out.

Archie - My father . . . Heís got other worries. Heís not as fit as he used to be.

Golly - Not as young as he used to be. [Archie sighs] What is it?

Archie - I just found out that -- I own the estate.

Golly - Get away. Well, um, I mean no disrespect to the old devil but, um, Iím delighted. Yeah. Youíll soon get things squared round.

Archie - I canít stay, Golly. In fact . . . none of usíll be staying.

Golly - Whatís that supposed to mean?

Archie - I think we have to sell Glenbogle.

Katrina - Sell?!

Golly - Sell? Sell your home? Your birthright!

Archie - No, it was never that. Not mine, anyway.

Golly - There have been MacDonalds here for 400 years. Your nameíll be blackened forever. You canít do this.

Katrina - Do you want to know what will happen? Iíll tell you. A new owneríll come in, jobsíll go, peopleís homes with them. The placeíll be finished.

Archie - It doesnít have to be like that, Katrina. Iím sorry, Golly.

Golly - And youíre proposing to just . . . just walk away from it?

Archie - Thereís two potential buyers stalking tomorrow. I hope youíll give them a good dayís sport.

 

9 - Treachery

Glenbogle Estate grounds

Molly - [digging up root vegetables] Oh, the rabbits have been at everything. Damn their eyes.

Archie - Is father up yet?

Molly - No, he said heís not getting out of bed until you come to your senses.

Archie - This happens every time I come home. I disappoint him and he makes me feel bad. Itís not easy.

Molly - What about the estate? Oh, poor you. Here, this might help.

Archie - What? [unfolds a scrap of paper to reveal a check] Mother, I thought all your family money went years ago.

Molly - It did. Itís mine. My winnings on the gee-gees. I did it all myself, with a little help from Geordie, of course.

Archie - Geordie?

Molly - My turf accountant. Do you know, itís the first money Iíve earned in my whole life. Wonderful feeling, isnít it?

Archie - Oh, yes, but -- This is 55,000. The estate owes the bank 375.

Molly - Oh, what a pity. I thought--

Archie - Oh, mother! Youíre the best of all of us, you know that? [they hug]

Molly - What are you going to do, hmm? Iíd be perfectly happy with a little flat in Cadogan Square, but your father -- Itís been his whole life, every fiber of the old fool. Whoíd catch Big Eric if he wasnít here? You know that old jacket he wears? He only puts that on when heís feeling fragile. Used to belong to Jamie. I canít see him leaving here, Archie. Well, only in a wooden box. Iím sure youíll do whatís best.

 

Outside, later

[Archie visiting grave on estate grounds. Tombstone reads: JAMES MACDONALD / Our Beloved Boy / Died June 19th 1985]

Fraser - [from driveway] Archie, hello. Too busy to come on the stalk? Probably not your thing anyway, eh? [climbs in jeep and drives off]

 

Glenbogle Estate, clearing in woods

Golly - [watches man firing at wooden deer target with rifle and missing repeatedly] Iím sorry. Iím sure itís the rifle. Thatís the problem, sir. [takes rifle] Duncan, take a look at Mr. Pottsí piece. [they look up as Archie drives up]

Archie - Good morning, gentlemen. Welcome to Glenbogle. Archie MacDonald. I hope you wonít mind if I join you? I know youíre in very good hands with old Robbie here, but I think the Laird himself ought to escort such very important guests. You donít mind, do you, Robbie?

Fraser - No. Of course not, Archie.

Golly - Right then, gentlemen, letís go stalking.

[they begin walking]

Archie - So you and Mr. Andersson are chums, are you?

Mr. Potts - Met in a balloon over the Serengeti. You know, one of these luxury safaris. Heís a quiet chap, but heís canny with it.

Archie - Youíre in business together then?

Mr. Potts - Sort of. Made his cash in flat-pack furniture. I made my pile in pies.

Archie - What?

Mr. Potts - Anything on four legs, weíd kill it, mince it, put puff pastry round it. Well, we used to. Co-op just bought us up.

Archie - Oh.

Mr. Potts - So weíre launching this joint venture, you know. Heís into this shooting lark, so we thought weíd come up here and see if we could get something going.

Archie - How exciting.

Golly - Right, gentlemen. Weíre about to come up to the beasts, so keep low and donít even fart unless I give you permission. Okay?

[they climb a hill and hunker down]

Archie - I do hope old Robbieís given you every assistance?

Mr. Potts - Oh, Robbie couldnít have done more, he really couldnít.

Archie - Good. Well, when we get back weíll have to, er, talk figures. See how your bid matches up to the one weíve already received.

Mr. Potts - Other bid? Robbie never mentioned that. He said weíd got a clear run.

Golly - Quiet! Right, Mr. Potts. You first.

[Mr Potts moves over by Golly, who hands him the rifle]

Fraser - What the hell do you think youíre doing?

Archie - Working out your little game. Iíve got it, too. How much of a finderís fee were you promised, eh? Youíre sacked.

Fraser - Weíll see about that. Your father will never allow it. He trusts me -- not you.

Mr. Potts - By heck, whatís that?

Golly - That, Mr. Potts, is Big Eric. Finest stag Iíve ever seen. Been saving him these past ten years for young Mr. Archie there, but what the devil -- you can have him.

Mr. Potts - You want me to kill him?

Golly - Just wait till he turns. And remember to line up, and keep your breathing steady. Thatís it, my friend.

[a group of people appears in the valley, banging on cans and pot lids]

Mr. Potts - Whatís going on?

Katrina - [using bullhorn] Youíre not welcome here. Get off our land! Glenbogleís for the people who live in it, not absentee feudal landlords to play with pop-guns. We demand to be heard. We demand a voice!

Mr. Potts - [to himself] Thatís the last thing you need, pet.

Golly - Well, gentlemen, that would appear to be that, for today.

 

10 - A Fatherís Decision

Hectorís bedroom

Fraser - Hector. Um . . . Iím afraid I have to raise a rather . . . painful issue. [Archie enters]

Hector - Oh, son and heir.

Archie - Father, Iíve just sacked Fraser here.

Hector - [to Archie] Iím not talking to you.

Archie - Heís crooked. Heís been robbing you blind since the day he got here.

Fraser - Iím sorry about all this, Hector.

Hector - Youíre sorry, Robbie? [to Archie] You canít make that kind of accusation.

Archie - I can if itís true.

Fraser - Archie seems to have rather a . . . chip on his shoulder -- about me.

Hector - I see. Well, Archie, let me say, that Robbie here is a friend as well as an employee. I trust him completely. Once upon a time, you might have fulfilled that function, but you chose to turn your back on your responsibilities. I had to look for help elsewhere.

Fraser - Thank you, Hector.

Archie - Heís behind the theft of those osprey eggs.

Hector - Oh, donít be silly. Heís always waxing lyrical about the wretched things. Goodness knows why. They catch more salmon than Golly and me put together.

Archie - Heís also planning to sell the place behind your back.

Hector - What?!

Archie - Sweet-talking two millionaires. Encouraging a bid, just one bid, mind, no competition. And at a knock-down price, I should think.

Hector - No.

Archie - And getting a sweetener, too. How much is it? Two-fifty, half a million?

Fraser - [chuckles] Heís got no proof, Hector. Heís barmy. [Hector stares at him] Well, he hates you.

Archie - Who are you gonna believe, father?

Hector - [to Fraser] Pack your bags and get out.

Fraser - Hector--

Hector - Heís my son. I donít think my son would tell me lies.

Fraser - This place is finished. And you with it. [leaves]

Archie - Iím sorry, I know you were fond of him.

Hector - Yes. Still -- one must look on the bright side.

Archie - And which bright side would that be?

Hector - Well, it just puts a rather different gloss on things, doesnít it?

Archie - How do you mean?

Hector - Well, if an honest man had been in charge, a good man, like you for instance, weíd never have got into this mess in the first place, would we?

Archie - Father, you -- youíve -- oh, God! Never mind.

Hector - Youíll be staying then, I take it?

Archie - No! No! [leaves]

 

11 - A Bit of a Problem

Dirt road through woods

Archie - [walking, carrying his bags. Katrina jogs out of side path] Not you again.

Katrina - So, have you sacked him yet, then?

Archie - I helped you with your rotten birds.

Katrina - You and your family have a hell of a lot of ground to make up before you get my gratitude, pal.

Archie - You know, you are a very irritating person. You know that?

Katrina - You havenít changed. You always used to sulk.

Archie - What are you talking about?

Katrina - Primary school, before they sent you away. The little girl you used to sit beside in the big double desk.

Archie - Eh? Katrina? Gingernut!

Katrina - Never, ever call me that again, do you hear? I nearly didnít recognize you. You used to have as broad an accent as the rest of us, if I remember right.

Archie - Itís the main reason they packed me off to boarding school. Canít have the son of a laird sounding Scottish, can we?

Katrina - Donít get me started. Can I tell you what I really think? I think that the idea of anybody owning all this is obscene. How can you buy a view, eh? But if anybodyís going to own it, it should be the community actually making a living here.

Archie - Oh, get real, Katrina.

Katrina - But, in the meantime, rather than some mega-rich idiot from south of the border, better the devil you know. In this case, the dashing young laird. That right?

Archie - I donít want it. I donít want to live in a freezing castle with my barmy father, where the lights go off all the time and the phone never works. I do not want to be a laird.

Katrina - Do you really hate it that much?

Archie - I was eight when I left. I missed it so much, it was like having an arm cut off. What Iíd do when I was low, Iíd phone that box [nods to telephone booth up the road], stand in a dark corridor somewhere in Berkshire and imagine the phone ringing in all this silence. All this around it, the water, the hills. I can still remember the number: Glenbogle 2-4-9. I had to put a stop to that, especially after Jamie died. I have to get away, Katrina.

Katrina - Poor little Archie. Donít you think other folk have got problems, too? Thereís people here, on your land, sweating their guts out for nothing. On the breadline, some of them. And here you are, master of all he surveys, whingeing on about how terrible life is. What gives you the right to expect everything to be the way you want it?

Archie - Why donít you just go away? [brushes past her]

Katrina - Why donít you? Back to your swanky restaurant and your beautiful girlfriend and your -- perfect life.

 

[Archie continues walking, past telephone booth. Sign on telephone booth reads: SCHEDULED FOR REMOVAL. Flatbed truck passes Archie and stops by the booth.]

Phoneman - [gets out of truck] There you are.

Archie - [jogging back toward the booth] Hey! What are you doing? What do you think youíre doing?

Phoneman - None of your business, son.

Archie - You canít take this.

Phoneman - Itís scheduled for removal. Iíve got the docket. Who are you, anyway?

Archie - Me? Iím the -- Iím a member of the community here. And thatís our phone box, so you can take your lorry, your crane and your bad attitude and get lost. Okay?

Man - [from inside truck] Leave it, Jim. Thatís the new laird youíre talking to.

 

[Truck pulls away. Archie grabs some change from his pocket and places a call in the booth.]

Archie - Justine? Hello, sweetheart, itís me. How did the do go? [pause] Great. [pause] Yeah. Listen, Justine -- Iíve got a bit of a problem here.

 

End of Episode 1, Series 1

 

1. Marmite soldiers - Marmite is very dark brown savoury spread made from yeast extract. Marmite soldiers are pieces of toast or plain bread cut into strips and spread with butter (or margarine) and a thin layer of Marmite. One of the standard things to do with Marmite soldiers was to "dunk" them into the yolk of a soft boiled egg. Back to transcript

2. Mrs. Attenborough - David Attenborough introduced color TV to Britain and is famous for his ďZoo QuestĒ series. Back to transcript

3. Steve McQueen - "The Great Escape" (1963) Back to transcript

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