Monarch of the Glen

Episode Transcripts

 

Series 1, Episode 2

Based on the novels by Compton MacKenzie

Produced by Nick Pitt
Directed by Edward Bennett
Written by Michael Chaplin

For BBC Scotland
Airdate: March 5, 2000

 

Zzickle's Notes:

I don't own Monarch of the Glen - The contents of this transcript are taken directly from the episode (with help of closed captions), to the best of my ability.

These transcripts were made because 1. My dad has trouble understanding some of the very Scottish accents (and colloquialisms), 2. The DVDs have closed captions, not subtitles, which can only be viewed on our computer, not with any TV DVD players, and 3. Even on the computer, the captions are very hard to read because of the way that they overlap on top of each other.

If you want to post this transcript on your site, please let me know where it is going so I can visit it. Also, please post it with my name (Zzickle) and website (http://zzickle.topcities.com/) on it.

You are more than welcome to use these transcripts in your fanfiction stories, no notification required.

Cast List:

Archie MacDonald - Alastair Mackenzie
              Laird of Glenbogle

Hector MacDonald - Richard Briers
              Archie's father

Molly MacDonald - Susan Hampshire
              Archie's mother

Golly Mackenzie - Alexander Morton
              Estate groundskeeper

Lexie MacDonald - Dawn Steele
              Estate housekeeper

Duncan McKay - Hamish Clark
              Estate handyman

Jimmy - Gavin Kean
              trout farmer

Justine Thatcher - Anna Wilson-Jones
              Archie's girlfriend

Katrina Finlay - Loraine Pilkington
              head school teacher

Maureen MacLean - Carole Cassidy
              school teacher

Angus Kilwillie - Julian Fellowes
              Hectorís friend

Lancelot Fleming - Simon Slater
              bank accountant

Dougal - Grant Moir
              Katrina's student

Taxi Driver - Carole Anders

 

1 - Ignored Correspondence

Downstairs foyer

Hector - [as Lexie comes in with the mail] Ah, thank you, Lexie. [takes the letter and walks away humming.]

Archie - [to Hector] Anything for me?

Hector - I fear not.

Archie - What about that? Itís from the bank, look.

Hector - Yes, but it is addressed to me, see? Hector N. MacDonald, esquire.

Archie - It must be estate business. [tries to take letter, but Hector holds on tightly]

Hector - I had hoped the new world order might allow a chap to open his own correspondence. [huffs, then walks upstairs, humming, and places envelope in a drawer filled with similar letters.]

 

2 - Main Titles

[opening credits]

 

3 - Fleming

Library

Hector - [as Archie enters, carrying his bags] Tell me, boy . . . do you count packing suitcases as your very favorite hobby? [Archie sets bags down and winces]

Molly - Are you in pain?

Archie - Itís my back. If Iím gonna stay, Iíll have to do something about that mattress. Itís like a sack of King Edwardís1.

Molly - Right. Of course. So, youíre staying on?

Archie - No. Well, yes. Just for a while, just to straighten a few things out. Okay?

Molly - I think so. But Archie, if youíre staying, why are you going?

Archie - To talk things over with Justine and work out how weíre going to manage the restaurant in the meantime.

Molly - I feel sorry for Justine, but Iím glad for our sakes, weíre both glad. Arenít we, Hector? [Hector makes agreeing sounds]

Archie - I still believe the only long-term option is to sell the place.

Hector - Now look here!

Archie - Weíll get a much better price if we straighten out the accounts and start capitalizing on some of our primary assets.

 

Glenbogle village

Maureen - So what did he say?

Katrina - That the estate needed every asset it had, that they couldnít afford to give land away, maybe later, when heís had a chance to think about it, blah, blah, blah.

Maureen - No land, no new gymnasium.

Katrina - For the time being, anyway.

Maureen - Oh, what a shame. Itís just a piece of old pasture. Iím disappointed in the laird.

Katrina - I wish you wouldnít call him that. Sometimes I think you do it deliberately. Iím off training. Iíll see you after break.

Maureen - And has the laird put his name down for the hill race?

Katrina - I donít know and I donít care. This is one race Iím going to win without his permission. [jogs off]

 

Kitchen

Lexie - [turns corner into storeroom, is startled by Duncan hanging from storage rack] Duncan! I thought I was a character in ďThe GodfatherĒ there.

Duncan - Hello, Lexie.

Lexie - What are you doing? Your very hilarious bat impression?

Duncan - Training for the race. Watch this. [lowers himself down, then does another chin-up] I can do 50 of these.

Lexie - Thatís your bodyís compensating for the lack of muscle elsewhere. Iím not just talking about your brain.

Duncan - [drops to the ground] Whatís happening?

Lexie - Well, heís stopping . . . and heís going.

Duncan - Eh?

Lexie - Well, heís going to London for a spot of conjugal with this Justine bint, and then heís coming back here to sort things out. Which probably means giving us all the push. Well, donít just stand there, his gorgeousness will be wanting a lift.

Duncan - Oh. Aye . . . [runs out]

 

Driveway

Archie - Duncan? Duncan? [Duncan runs out, jumps in rover, and starts the engine] Right. [they start to pull out, but then screech to a halt] Duncan.

Hector - [from behind] Hang on. [opens rover door behind Duncan] Off to wage war. Give me a lift to the front, would you? [climbs in]

 

Kilwillie Castle gates

Hector - [getting out of Rover] Thank you, men. [hears birds cawing in nearby trees and takes off in that direction, running from tree to tree, trying to stay hidden. He sees a man ahead, crouched behind a tree, facing away from him and he approaches, his walking cane held out like a rifle.] Drop it. Drop it! [The man lowers his own cane, which he had been holding in sniper position.] Turn around slowly. [The man stands and turns.] Hande hoch.2 [The man raises his hands.] Sorry, Kilwillie, but for you the war is over.

 

Glenbogle train station

[Rover pulls up, Archie gets out]

Archie - See you in a couple of weeks. [walks past man standing outside the station] Afternoon.

Fleming - Where can I get a taxi?

Archie - Inverness would be your best bet.

Fleming - Thatís rather inconvenient.

Archie - Where are you going?

Fleming - A place called Glenbogle House.

Archie - Thatís where I live. Well, I donít actually live there, I live in, um -- never mind. Archie MacDonald. [shakes manís hand]

Fleming - Any relation of one Hector MacDonald?

Archie - Yeah, heís my father. And you are?

Fleming - Fleming. I represent his bank, Lascelles. Your fatherís failed to reply to my letters.

Archie - I see. [pauses] Well, maybe we can give you a lift.

 

4 - Royal Treatment

Interior of Kilwillie House

Kilwillie - Why donít we do Waterloo? I could be Napoleon. Or what about Agincourt? Weíve never fought Agincourt.

Hector - [staring at toy soldiers arrayed on a model battleground] Bows and arrows. Boring. I want guns, cannon.

Kilwillie - Malplaquet?

Hector - Nah.

Kilwillie - El Alamein?

Hector - No!

Kilwillie - Iwo Jima?

Hector - An American battle? Please, Kilwillie. Culloden. You can be Bonnie Prince Charlie, I shall be Butcher Cumberland.

Kilwillie - Iím always Bonnie Prince Charlie.

Hector - Thatís because youíre rather corpulent and fond of the sauce. Come, to battle. [kneels down level with the mock battlefield] It is a misty, damp morning on the desolate moor of Culloden. Sorry remnants of the great Jacobite dream stand facing their nemesis, the English army.

Kilwillie - Would you care for something tasty on an oatcake? Itís a new line of ours. Kilwillieís Gentlemenís Relish.

 

Driveway

[Rover stops, Fleming gets out and Hectorís two terriers attack his trouser leg.]

Fleming - Oh, God! Oh! Ow!

Archie - Donít worry, theyíre very friendly. Take no notice of them. Itís just their way of saying hello. Monty, Rommel, down! No, no, stop it. No. Theyíre perfectly friendly, once you get to know them. Anyway, as I was saying, thereís a lot of interesting history about this house, really. [he leads Fleming into the foyer] My great-great-grandfather built the place in the 1870s, but there had been a castle here before that. [Fleming removes his shoe and examines the damage] Queen Victoria came to stay once. But apparently she caught a cold, and had to leave rather quickly. My family have been here for 400 years. Iím sure the early chiefs were utter rogues, but--

Fleming - Mr. MacDonald, youíre obviously confusing me with somebody who does give a monkeyís. Iím not a tripper or a tourist, or a loud American in tartan trousers from Omaha. I am a banker . . . who drew a very short straw and traveled a ridiculous distance to conduct an even smaller piece of business, it seems at the cost of a very expensive pair of boston loafers. [holds up his damaged shoe] Now, can you please call your father so we can get it over with?

Archie - Maybe we should go to the library? [sends Fleming ahead] Lexie? Lexie, I know youíre there.

Lexie - [coming out from behind a door] Whoís your friend? Whatís he in such a strop for?

Archie - I want tea in the library. Two people, nice china, bits to eat.

 

Library

Archie - I presume your visitís related to our indebtedness at the bank?

Fleming - To a defaulted loan and a breeched overdraft limit, yes.

Archie - Mr. Fleming, Iíd like to talk to you about my plans for the future. You see, I own the estate now.

Fleming - I have to tell you that as from Monday, your familyís accounts will be suspended. The bank will then proceed to call in the loan. You must find the funds to repay it, I presume by selling whatever assets you possess.

Archie - The estate is all we have.

Fleming - So be it.

Archie - Mr. Fleming, my mother and father canít leave here.

Fleming - I donít seem to be making myself understood. Let me put it to you in words of one syllable: Iím here to close you down.

 

Kitchen

Radio - [playing while Lexie works] Itís more or less the same as the things that you said / And anyway, for all the things youíve done / Tell me, why does the river not flow? / And anyway, for all the things youíve said / Tell me, why does the river run red? / And anyway . . .

Lexie - [to Duncan] That is for the nice gentleman. [slaps his hand and replaces the biscuit on the tray] If youíre hungry, get yourself some bread and dripping.

 

Library

Lexie - Here we are. Tea up. And you must be our very important guest. Mr. Fleming, is it? Iíve got an uncle called Fleming, youíre not from Paisley, are you?

Fleming - I live in Ealing. W-well, west Ealing, a-almost as far as Hanwell.

Lexie - My, that sounds . . . complicated.

Archie - Yes, thank you very much, Lexie.

Lexie - You look like a man with a big appetite, so Iíve brought you a few things to get your teeth into, some pancakes, and drop scones and that.

Archie - All freshly baked, I hope?

Lexie - Well, they were when they left the factory. [laughs] No, all home baked. Anyway, well, Mr. Fleming -- Oh, heck, this is no good. Whatís your first name?

Fleming - Me?

Lexie - Iím not cross-eyed, pet. I am looking into your deep blue eyes.

Fleming - I, uh, I-I couldnít possibly say.

Lexie - Man of mystery. Well, Iíll wheedle it out of you one way or the other. Anyway, Iím away to get one of those 13 spare rooms ready for you. One of the better ones. One thatís been slept in in the last century--

Fleming - But I couldnít possibly stay--

Lexie - Oh, what happened to your slip-on? [Fleming picks up his damaged shoe] Oh, your poor wee tassle. Let me look at it for you. Come on. Trust me. [Fleming hands her the shoe and the tassle] There. [examines the shoe] Oh dear, oh dear. Iíll tell you what Iíll do, Iíll get the estateís resident cobbler to fix it for you. Okay? [starts to leave, then turns back] Now youíll have to stay, wonít you? [leaves]

Fleming - Who was that?

Archie - Oh, that was Lexie. She kind of runs the place. Tea?

 

Middle of lake

Hector - [riding in motorboat] Thanks for the game, Kilwillie, I really enjoyed it.

Kilwillie - [steering motorboat] Not very surprising. You won.

Hector - Of course I did. Where would we be if Bonnie Prince Charlie suddenly started winning the Battle of Culloden?

Kilwillie - Living in a country that had been independent for two and a half centuries, probably.

Hector - What an appalling thought.

 

5 - The Upper Hand

Outside

[Fleming walks around the grounds, a rubber boot on his right foot in place of the shoe that Lexie took from him]

 

Dining room

Molly - But who is he, Archie?

Archie - Someone very powerful, mother. Someone who could turn us all out of here. Whatís he doing, Lexie?

Lexie - [watching through window as Fleming scrapes dog poo from the sole of his shoe] Some personal grooming.

Archie - Right. Hereís what we have to do. We have to persuade him, seduce him--

Lexie - Oh, aye. And whoís gonna do that, then? [to Duncan] Is there something wrong with your jaw?

Archie - Make him see that this is a place with potential. That we can put it back on its feet, that his bankís money is safe with us.

Golly - What do you want us to do, then?

Archie - Do? Yes, do. Um . . . well, Iíll make a presentation. Yes, heíll like that. A presentation about how weíre gonna develop the place. Golly, you and Duncan show him the estate, give him some sport. Make sure he catches something really big, okay?

Duncan - [fixing Flemingís shoe] But Iíve got my final training for the hill race.

Archie - Mother, maybe you could give him a tour of the house?

Molly - Or I wonder if heís interested in gardening? Iím desperately in need of some help.

Archie - And you, Lexie, just be nice to him, okay?

Lexie - Yes, oh master. He shall be as putty in my windows.

Duncan - Yeah, and itíll be curtains for him if he doesnít mind out. There, nancy-boyís shoeís all done.

Archie - The most important thing, all of you, is we must keep him away from my father. From now on, we must make sure that heís never on his own, that he canít be got at by the old man, because that could be disastrous.

Lexie - Ah, Archie.

Archie - [looks out window to see motorboat approaching the dock] Oh, no!

 

Lake shore

Hector - [from motorboat] Hey, you! [Fleming indicates himself with a finger] Yes, you. Take the painter.

Fleming - The what?

Hector - The rope, you dolt! [throws the rope at Fleming, who misses it] Oh, hold on. Come on, man, over there. Whatís the matter with you? [Fleming fishes the rope out of the shallows and Hector steps out of the boat as it putts up.] You can let go now. [Fleming drops the rope back into the boat.] Thanks, Kilwillie, off you go.

Kilwillie - Bye, old man. Next time, Iíll grind you into the dust at Bull Run!

Hector - [laughs and waves, then turns back to Fleming] One of those water board bods, are ya?

Fleming - Pardon?

Hector - What is it this time? Measuring acid rain or some such nonsense?

Fleming - You must be Hector MacDonald.

Hector - Sir to you. You chaps have such a comfy billet. And the likes of me pay for it.

Fleming - As far as I can see, Mr. MacDonald, you pay for very little.

Hector - What did you say? Iíll take my foot to your tradesmanís entrance in a minute.

Archie - [running outside] Father!

Fleming - I donít work for the water board. I represent your bank.

Hector - I thought it was going downhill. Some kind of clerk, are you?

Fleming - Account executive. I have written to you repeatedly in the last six months regarding your very serious position. You never replied.

Hector - Of course not. I have learned through bitter experience that acknowledging the pettifogging outpourings of pen-pushing nobodies is unlikely to increase the sum of human happiness. Mine especially. [begins to walk away]

Fleming - Mr. MacDonald, you are a very rude man.

Hector - And you, sir, are a very dull one.

Fleming - You are also drunk!

Hector - But I shall be sober in the morning. Anyway, itís my prerogative. You are standing on my land!

Fleming - Not for very much longer, Iím happy to say!

Archie - [who has been listening to their conversation] Mr. Fleming, take no notice of my father--

Fleming - Iím going to my room. I shall be obliged if you could have a cheese sandwich and a glass of milk sent up to me later.

Archie - Wonít you join us for dinner?

Fleming - I shall inspect your books and accounts tomorrow morning. We can resolve any outstanding business shortly after that. [storms off, past Hector, who has stopped a few yards up the path]

Hector - [chuckling, as Archie approaches] That showed him. Doesnít do to let these fellows get the upper hand, you know, Archie.

 

Outside the Glenbogle school

Katrina - [to one of her students] Are you okay, Dougal?

Dougal - I wanted to give you this, to make you smell nice. [hands her a small box]

Katrina - I hope you mean to make me smell even nicer. Did you buy this with your own money?

Dougal - My mom got it for Christmas, but she doesnít like it. I love you, Miss. [smiles and runs off]

Archie - [walks up to Katrina] Look, Iíll do you a deal. You can have the land for that gym thing.

Katrina - Go on.

Archie - Well, the thing is, um . . . what are you doing tonight?

Katrina - Well, I was gonna worm the dog, but I guess itíll keep.

 

Estate Office

Katrina - I suppose it was Golly who told you I could cook books better than a boiled egg.

Archie - No comment.

Katrina - [looking at the stacks of papers on the desk] This is going to take hours.

Archie - Itís very good of you.

Katrina - As long as you keep your side of the bargain.

Archie - Iíve given you the word of a MacDonald.

Katrina - Very reassuring.

 

Flemingís bedroom

[Lexie knocks and enters, carrying a tray of food. Fleming is on hands and knees beside the bed, wearing his shirt and vest, his boxers, and one sock.]

Lexie - Showing me your best side, are ya?

Fleming - [hits his head on radiator pipe as he tries to get up] Ooh! God. I was just, um . . . [grabs his trousers off of the radiator and holds them up in an attempt to cover himself]

Lexie - Is that a pair of M & S slacks in your hand? Or are you just pleased to see me?

Fleming - Theyíre wet. I was trying to turn the radiator on, to dry them.

Lexie - Ah, yes. Now the heating doesnít come on till the first frost, or the first of September, whichever comes sooner. Gimme. Iíll sort them for you. [Fleming reluctantly hands them over] I take it youíre not dining with the Addams family tonight then?

Fleming - Definitely not.

Lexie - Shame. Youíre missing out on some rare fun. Oh! And thank you. You have shone a bright light into the dull drabness of my day.

Fleming - I have?

Lexie - It is no sight sweeter, more pregnant with pathos and vulnerability, than a slender-legged gadgy, standing in his wee Y-fronts and sock. Night-night. [Duncan, who has been eavesdropping at the door, runs off as Lexie comes out]

 

6 - Taking It Calmly

Estate Office

Katrina - Archie, you know, these are just total rubbish.

Archie - Be fair. Theyíre probably not as good as that.

Katrina - Iím doing my best, okay?

Archie - Iím grateful. You trained for this sort of thing originally?

Katrina - When I first left university, I went to work for a bank in Edinburgh. Small business advisor. I had some great clients. A man who gelded horses, two brothers who made Italian ice cream . . . and a very refined lady from Morningside, who ran a personal therapy center.

Archie - Oh, yeah?

Katrina - She offered me a job.

Archie - Is that right?

Katrina - As her business manager, smarty pants.

Archie - And you didnít take it?

Katrina - Those girlsíd be earning twice as much as me. Iíd have found that very irritating. Not to say tempting.

Archie - So, you became a teacher and came back here. What on earth made you do that?

Katrina - I just felt maybe I could make a difference, simple as that.

Archie - Miss Jean Brodie3, youíre in your prime.

Katrina - Donít patronize me, Archie MacDonald.

Archie - Iím not. I envy you. You seem so certain, so sure.

Katrina - Do I?

Archie - I donít know what the hell Iím doing.

Katrina - So . . . youíre going to make a presentation to this guy, are you? [flips through presentation folder] You toe rag!

Archie - What?

Katrina - Increased rents on land and properties.

Archie - Itís just an idea. A way we might increase our revenue. So far as I can see, rents havenít gone up in years.

Katrina - For a very good reason. People couldnít afford to pay them.

Archie - Look, itís just for this man, Fleming. Nothing definite.

Katrina - You would say that, wouldnít you? Until you got what you wanted from me. What am I doing here? Iím off.

Archie - Leave me in the lurch, would you?

Katrina - Oh, youíll survive. Your sort always do.

Archie - My sort? Katrina--

Katrina - Once a landlord, always a landlord.

Archie - You spent too much time with that personal therapist. Gave you a wrong slant on human nature. [Katrina grabs her jacket and walks out the door] And you can kiss goodbye to that bit of land, too! [door slams behind her]

 

Hallway

[Fleming, in striped pajamas, attempts to flush the bathroom toilet, but the water only gurgles slightly no matter how many times he pulls the handle. Finally he gives up and wanders into the hallway, where he stops in front of a painting.]

Lexie - Itís not an original. Thatís in the national gallery in Edinburgh now. Hector had a copy made when he flogged the other one. It paid for central heating. Sometimes I think Iíd rather be cold.

Fleming - Sheís very beautiful.

Lexie - Ancestor. Died in childbirth when she was 27. Nightshirt okay for you, is it? [Fleming continues to stare at the painting, silent] My . . . Lady Catherineís made quite an impression on you, hasnít she?

Fleming - She reminds me of my mother. Better get off to bed. Long day.

Lexie - Iíll say good night, then. Oh, itís two short pulls, and one long one, by the way. The lavvy.

 

Library

Archie - [on the phone] So thatís it. I canít leave while heís here, but Iíll be down soon. Youíre not saying very much.

Justine - [at the restaurant] Whatís there to say?

Archie - I mean, youíre taking it very calmly.

Justine - What do you want me to do? Get hysterical?

Archie - I wish youíd say something. Justine? [pause] Maybe we should think about hiring a temporary manager.

Justine - No.

Archie - Just to tide things over.

Justine - Archie, I have to cope, while youíre off doing your Mel Gibson4 thing. Iíd rather I didnít, but hey, itís a tough world. And Iíll manage in my own way, thank you very much, without the benefit of your distant and rather fatuous advice.

Archie - Maybe we should talk about this later.

Justine - Yes. Later. And then some more.

Archie - Okay.

Justine - Okay. [turns off phone and turns around to find the restaurant patrons watching her] Men -- sometimes you have to wipe their bottoms, sometimes you have to kick them. [patrons laugh]

 

7 - Good Behavior

Flemingís bedroom

Archie - [knocks on door and enters] Good morning. Hope you slept well.

Fleming - I heard animals in the night. Grunting, howling.

Archie - Probably just my father. [laughs] I-I brought the books. [Hands Fleming a stack of folders] Perhaps later, youíd like to look around the estate, maybe try some sport?

Fleming - These will take all day. Anyway, I have the beginnings of a cold.

Archie - Well, if thereís anything you need, please shout. Look, Iím in business myself, and I know that the accounts arenít . . . all they should be.

Fleming - Iím grieved to hear it. [Archie leaves]

 

Road by ĎWallaceís Garage & Funeral Directorsí

Molly - [as Katrina runs up] Well, eight seconds down from Monday. Are you all right?

Katrina - [catching her breath] I didnít sleep too well last night.

Molly - Big race nerves. You are carrying the hopes and dreams of our gender. The first time ever that women have entered the Glenbogle hill race. Another nail in the coffin of patriarchy.

Katrina - Me and my big mouth.

Molly - But Iíve complete faith in you, Katrina. You go and win it, dear. Win it for all the sisters, yes!

 

Hectorís bedroom

Hector - [rummaging under the bed] Where is the wretched thing?

 

Flemingís bedroom

[Archie, carrying a tray of tea and biscuits, pauses outside the door as he hears Fleming laughing]

Archie - [entering the room] Everything all right?

Fleming - [sitting at desk, reviewing the books] Oh, yes. Fine.

[Archie sets tray down and leaves, Fleming starts laughing again.]

 

Kitchen

Lexie - The main courseíll be very simple. Salmon, fresh out of the river, and new potatoes from Gollyís garden, in a plain white sauce.

Archie - Is it disaster proof?

Lexie - And whatís that supposed to mean?

Archie - I mean it, Lexie, no funny business. Our future is in this manís hands. [leaves, passing Fleming as he enters.]

Fleming - [carrying tea tray] Yoo-hoo. Would the fair lady of the kitchen allow me to enter her domain?

Lexie - Come away in. You can enter my domain any time you like.

Fleming - Just returning the tea things. I have to say, Lexie, when it comes to scones, you are an artist.

Lexie - Thanks. Youíll be staying to dinner then?

Fleming - How can I refuse: I was wondering, my trousers?

Lexie - Oh. Cleaned and pressed. [hands them to Fleming]

Fleming - Thank you. The crease, a thing of beauty.

Lexie - Oh, why, thank you, kind sir. Itís nice to be appreciated.

 

Downstairs foyer

Archie - Have you told him, mother?

Molly - Yes.

Archie - And he knows whatís expected?

Molly - Of course.

Archie - Will he behave himself?

Hector - [approaching] Look, I found it. [points to pale blue tam-oí-shanter on his head, adorned with a yellow rose attached to the front]

Archie - Okay, okay. [turns as Fleming comes down the stairs] Ah, good evening. I hope youíre hungry.

 

Dining room

Fleming - [scooping last spoonfuls from bowl] This is delicious. What is it?

Lexie - Nettle and raspberry soup with a sprinkling of Orkney cheese.

Fleming - Oh, will I get stung? [Archie forces a laugh]

Duncan - [who has been watching Fleming and Lexieís interactions all day] You said it, pal.

Lexie - [as Fleming continues to scrape up the last bits of soup] Iíd quite like some of the pattern left on that, if you donít mind. [takes his bowl and moves down the table] Enjoy that, did you, Hector?

Hector - [who is NOT wearing the hat] It smells of wet dog.

Lexie - And I love you, too.

Fleming - [chuckles] Isnít she wonderful? Feisty, witty, a brilliant cook, but tasty herself. [laughs, snorts]

Archie - Anyway, you were saying about the-the books?

Fleming - The boo-? The books, yes. Yes, well, theyíre very good. They convey a very accurate picture of the enterprise.

Archie - Yes, I was rather afraid of that.

Fleming - Which is, if the Glenbogle estate were a wet dog -- to take your analogy, Mr. MacDonald -- the most humane course of action would be to rub it down with an old towel and shoot the mutt. [laughs]

 

Kitchen

Lexie - Howís it going?

Duncan - All right.

Lexie - These are for Molly and Hector. You get the others. [picks up two plates]

Duncan - Which oneís his? The gowk in the suit?

Lexie - That one there. The biggest portion. [leaves]

Duncan - Right. Iíll give you tasty. [reaches for jar of spices] Pinstriped prat. [lifts salmon fillet with spatula and pours cayenne pepper underneath]

 

Dining room

Archie - Look, I canít disagree with you. I run my own business. Did I mention that? And I know that this estate hasnít been run on very professional lines.

Hector - Thatís all right, chaps, donít mind me. Just pretend I donít exist.

Archie - But the thing is, I believe there is something here worth fighting for.

Lexie - [takes plate from Duncan, puts it in front of Fleming] Salmon. Caught this morning from the river Bogle. Lightly poached with a plain white sauce.

Fleming - Lovely. [Lexie and Duncan set down the othersí plates] Sorry, you were saying?

Archie - I -- we have great plans for developing Glenbogle. For giving it life, making it prosper.

Fleming - But how could you possibly generate the income?

Archie - We -- we have all sorts of ideas. Um, luxury foodstuffs for one.

Hector - Height of vulgarity.

Archie - A corporate retreat. Senior managers brain-storming business strategy in the unique environment of this fantastic old house.

Hector - And what about the aged residents of this fantastic old house?

Molly - Hector!

Fleming - Your father obviously doesnít share your vision.

Archie - I run Glenbogle, Mr. Fleming, not my father.

Fleming - Well, Iím sorry, itís not gonna happen. At least not with my bankís money. This looks delicious.

Hector - Turn it into some wretched B & B, and the placeíll be full of little oiks like this fellow, dropping his Hís all over the shop.

[Fleming takes bite of salmon, chews, starts to cough]

Archie - Mr. Fleming? Whatís the matter?

Fleming - [gasping, pointing at plate] Iíve been poisoned. I think Iím gonna be sick. [rushes out the door, Archie and Molly behind him]

Hector - Oh, mine tastes fine. Girlís pulled one out of the bag at last.

 

Hallway

Fleming - [retching into potted plant] No more. Unless you can give me a check for 100,000 pounds as a clear indication of your ability and willingness to clear the estateís indebtedness, the bank will take steps to protect its position. Can you write me such a check?

Archie - Of course not.

Fleming - Very well. So be it. Excuse me.

Archie - Right.

 

Kitchen

Duncan - Yes, my man! Get in! get right in!

Lexie - Whatís up with you? Medication wearing off?

Archie - [to Lexie] Jokes are one thing. I can take as many as you throw down. But sabotage is another. This is probably meaningless, but what the hell? Youíre sacked.

Lexie - Archie! [turns to Duncan and picks up a cooking pot] Right. Start talking, slabhead.

Duncan - I did it for you, honest, to show I cared.

 

Dining room

[thud and Duncanís scream heard from kitchen as Hector continues to eat, alone.]

 

8 - A Little Jaunt

Kitchen

Molly - Now does everyone know what to do? Right. Letís go. And guys, be careful out there, okay? Iíve always wanted to say that. [Lexie and Duncan leave, Molly following]

Golly - Molly? Molly? [Molly stops at doorway] What are we gonna do about the money?

Molly - Ah, well, I have a cunning plan.

 

Flemingís bedroom

[Fleming, in his pajamas, is asleep on the bed]

Lexie - [poking Flemingís nose with a finger] Hey, big boy. Wakey-wakey.

Fleming - Lexie.

Lexie - You feeling better? [Fleming nods] Now, youíre going to eat the nice breakfast that I prepared for you. Then you and I are going to go off on a little jaunt together.

Fleming - But I-I have to get back to--

Lexie - Oh, really? Life that exciting in Hanwell, or Ealing even? Lexie doesnít offer herself to any old Tom, Dick, or Archie, you know. Right. Iíll meet you by the bike sheds in ten minutes, Fleming. Or should I call you Flem for short?

 

Driveway

Lexie - [sitting on 4-wheeler] My man. My poor wee man. You ready for adventure? Jump on. Weíll head for the hills. [starts engine as Fleming, dressed in a suit, climbs on behind her. Golly pulls up on another 4-wheeler.] This is Golly, by the way, the best hunter this side of the Rockies.

Fleming - Nice to meet you, Golly.

 

Downstairs foyer

Molly - [talking on phone] Is that honest, Bob McDougal? Now then, my man, I gather youíve got a book open on the Glenbogle Hill race? Good, Ďcause Iíd like to make a very large bet. Five thousand. Yes, thatís right, five thousand.

Archie - [to Hector] Have you seen our executioner this morning?

Hector - You missed him, heís gone. Where in heavenís name is Lexie?

Molly - Sheís gone, too. Archie sacked her. Youíll have to make your own breakfast, darling.

Hector - What?!

Molly - Archie, youíre going to be late.

Archie - Late for what?

Molly - The hill race, silly.

Archie - Ah yes, letís all go on a fun run. Most timely. Weíre all washed up here, but what the heck? I suppose you want me to wear a silly costume, too. What is it, the back end of a horse?

Hector - Clown outfit might be appropriate. [leaves]

Molly - But you used to love athletics at school.

Archie - Only when I was trying to run away.

Molly - Katrina said youíd chicken out. She used to run for the Scottish universities, you know. Please. Put on your shorts and run. Just do this for your silly old mum, hmm? [sends Archie upstairs]

Hector - [returning] Iíve got the bread. Now all we need is some means of toasting it.

 

River bank

Duncan - [carrying rubber bin full of water] Are you sure these will be okay?

Jimmy - [standing next to jeep with sign that reads: McMURDOíS TROUT FARM / McMurdoís the Name / Troutís the Game!] Listen, Dunc, Iíve come across a few intellectually challenged creatures in my time, but these trout are truly cretinous.

[Duncan splashes along river edge, stops and takes a trout out of the bin and releases it into the stream.]

 

Dirt road through woods

Lexie - [speeding along on 4-wheeler] Yee-ha!

[They pull to a stop next to the river]

Fleming - Iíve never been fishing before.

Lexie - Neither have I. Least not in a river.

Golly - [as Fleming takes swig from a flask] Careful, man, youíll frighten the fish.

 

9 - The Glenbogle Hill Race

Glenbogle Hill Race starting point

Molly - [to Archie] Come on. Off you go. Good boy.

Kilwillie - Ah, good luck, my boy.

Archie - Thank you.

Hector - I want you to wear this. [hands Archie the tam-oí-shanter that he had been wearing before dinner]

Archie - What is it?

Hector - MacDonald of Glenbogleís tam-oí-shanter. The fifth laird wore it at Culloden, when he escaped the clutches of the redcoats.

Kilwillie - The very event weíre commemorating today.

Archie - Itís filthy.

Hector - Itís history. If this is the last time a MacDonald runs in the hill race, it must be worn.

Kilwillie - To complete the ancient and venerated circle.

Hector - Exactly, Kilwillie.

Archie - All right. [puts on the blue hat]

Hector - Good boy.

 

River bank

Golly - Itís okay. You can play with him till heís silly. Heís loving it.

Fleming - [kneeling by the river, his hands in the water cradling the trout that Duncan had released earlier] Oh, my goodness. Iím touching him.

Golly - Slowly, slowly, slowly.

Fleming - Iím tickling him. Iím tickling a bloody trout.

Lexie - [standing in river, holding a fishing net] Go on, you can do it.

Golly - Net, Lexie.

[Lexie moves closer and Fleming flips the fish out of the water into the net. They both laugh]

Golly - Right, thatís that then. Iíve got things to do.

Lexie - [sitting on river bank] Oh, my man. My hunter.

Fleming - I caught a fish with my bare hands. Oh, Lexie, I donít know. I felt special.

Lexie - You are special, wee man.

Fleming - Oh, Lexie, Iím having such a wonderful day.

Lexie - Thatís Ďcause youíre pished. Youíll soon get used to it. [they share swigs from the flask]

 

Glenbogle Hill Race starting point

Woman - [in background] What, what have I let myself in for?

Archie - Duncan?

Duncan - [dressed in a tartan and blue face-paint] Oh, my sponsors insisted.

Archie - Whoís that then?

Duncan - Wallaceís Garage. Listen, boss, about the other night, it wasnít really Lexieís fault--

Announcer - Attention ladies and gentlemen. Please move to the starting line. This is the last call. Ladies and gentlemen, would all competitors please take their places at the start?

Katrina - Very nice. You look like an extra from ďChariots of fire.Ē

Archie - Iíll soon burn you off, just you watch.

Katrina - Dream on, pal.

Golly - A word, son.

Archie - Not now.

Golly - Now.

Announcer - This is the last call. Ladies and gentlemen, would all competitors please take their places at the start?

Golly - Your ma has put a bet on the race. Big money.

Archie - What, on me?

Golly - On Katrina. Right? So you just make sure she wins. Okay?

Archie - You want me to throw the race? Well, I wonít. Iíve had enough. No, this is where Archie MacDonald makes his last stand. Even if it turns out to be Little Big Horn.

Announcer - Are you ready? Get set! [Starter pistol is fired] Away you go!

Kilwillie - Come on, Duncan. Come on. [the racers pass, then Archie passes, trailing behind] There he is. Archie, come on.

Hector - Come on, my boy. Run hard, run true.

 

Race trail, marked by flags

Archie - [to Katrina, who has paused to catch her breath at top of hill] Canít cope, eh?

Katrina - Just pacing myself. [she starts off again]

 

10 - The Most Wonderful Girl

Path up from river

Fleming - [laughing with Lexie as they climb the path] Oh, Lexie, this is the specialist day of my life. I donít want to work in a bank. I want to live here, in a wee cottage, and you could have my children. And I could be a lumberjack and breathe in the fresh air and chop logs, with a chopper.

Lexie - Oh, Flem, youíre a crazy guy.

Fleming - I am, Iím crazy for you. There isnít anybody like you in Ealing. Oh, Lexie, youíre the most wonderful girl Iíve ever met. Apart from my own darling mother. May I kiss you? I should like to very much.

Lexie - Okay. But . . . no tongues, mind.

[They kiss. Duncan, far ahead of the other runners, sees them from the race path and runs down toward them, screaming]

Lexie - Duncan?

Duncan - [chasing Fleming down the path] Iím gonna kill you!

Fleming - [stopped by the river] Come on then, Iíll fight you for her.

Duncan - [head-butts Fleming into the river] Touch her again and youíll get a double dose.

Lexie - Duncan, Iím not gonna tell you again! I warned you about that. I mean it. [Archie, currently in second place, hears them arguing] Iíve told you before!

Duncan - Lexie!

[Archie watches them fighting, then sees Fleming being swept away down river]

Fleming - Ah, help!

Lexie - Flem . . . Archie!

Fleming - [clinging to the bank] Help me, Iím going down.

Archie - Oh dear, what a shame.

Fleming - Help me, please. Iím going to die.

Archie - Sorry, Iím in a race just now.

Fleming - Archie, please, please, Iím drowning.

Archie - Here, grab my hand. Thatís it. [pulls Fleming out, with help from Lexie] I could use this, you know. A less scrupulous man would, you know what I mean?

Lexie - [sees other runners coming] Archie, come one, you can win this.

Katrina - I told you Iíd catch you.

[Archie joins the runners, followed by Duncan]

 

Glenbogle Hill Race starting point

Molly - Who is it?

Hector - Come on, boy.

[Katrina leads, followed by Archie, then Duncan, then the others]

Molly - Katrina.

Katrina - [as Archie passes her, then pauses to catch his breath] Suffering there, are you?

Archie - [running again] Just doing what Iím told.

Katrina - Iíll tell you what, Iíll let you win if you give me that bit of land.

Archie - Iíll beat you.

Katrina - Iím faster than you. Sassenachs beaten again.

Archie - Iím as Scottish as you are.

Katrina - Ha, you Scottish? Whoa! [falls]

Archie - [stops and goes back to her] Katrina, are you all right?

Katrina - Iím fine.

Archie - [helps her up] Come on.

Katrina - Go on, you can still win.

[they limp to the finish line as Duncan runs past and wins the race.]

Hector - Jolly sporting of the boy. His ancestors would be proud of him.

Kilwillie - Yes, it was a good show.

 

Announcer - The winner of this yearís Glenbogle Hill race. [crowd cheers]

Taxi Driver - [pulls taxi up to race grounds] Welcome to Planet Glenbogle. [her passenger is hidden by the car window]

 

Archie - [after giving Duncan his prize, speaking into microphone] Nice one, Duncan. Shame about the costume.

Fleming - [grudgingly] Well done.

Archie - And the winner of the womenís race and equal second, Katrina Finlay. [gives her a prize] Oh, and by the way, Katrina, you can have that land for the school. [crowd cheers]

Katrina - [into microphone] Thank you very much, Archie. And we werenít equal second by the way. I crossed the line first.

Archie - Itís a mere technicality.

Lexie - [runs up on stage and hugs Archie] Well done, Arch.

Archie - Can I just say sorry? I donít really want you to go.

Lexie - Oh, Iím not going anywhere, boy. Now hush your mouth and give us a kiss. [they kiss]

Photographer - Give him a kiss, girls. Go on. [they kiss Archieís cheeks] Lovely. [snaps photos] And again. Thank you. [he leaves and Justine appears.]

Archie - Justine.

Justine - Well, youíve kissed virtually every woman in Scotland. Arenít you going to give me one?

 

11 - We Need to Talk

Glenbogle train station

Archie - [getting out of rover] You could have stayed, you know.

Fleming - Stayed? Iíve been insulted. Iíve been poisoned. Assaulted by a mad pict and chased into a river. Iíve ruined a good suit. I nearly died.

Archie - Iím sorry.

Fleming - Iíve had the time of my life, Archie. The bank will give you another six months. Weíll extend the overdraft by another 75K. Make the most of it.

Archie - Thank you very much.

Fleming - Tell Lexie, itís Lancelot.

Archie - Hmm?

Fleming - My name.

Archie - [walking back to rover where Justine is waiting] Right.

Justine - We need to talk . . . now.

 

End of Episode 2, Series 1

 

1. sack of King Edwardís - King Edwardís potatoes Back to transcript

2. Hande hoch - German, ĎHands up.í Back to transcript

3. Miss Jean Brodie - from ďThe Prime of Miss Jean BrodieĒ by Muriel Spark, a Scottish novel about a school teacher in Edinburgh. Back to transcript

4. Mel Gibson - reference to ďBraveheartĒ Back to transcript

BACK to Transcripts Page

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