Monarch of the Glen

Episode Transcripts


Series 1, Episode 3

Based on the novels by Compton MacKenzie

Produced by Nick Pitt
Directed by Edward Bennett
Written by Michael Chaplin

For BBC Scotland
Airdate: March 12, 2000


Zzickle's Notes:

I don't own Monarch of the Glen - The contents of this transcript are taken directly from the episode (with help of closed captions), to the best of my ability.

These transcripts were made because 1. My dad has trouble understanding some of the very Scottish accents (and colloquialisms), 2. The DVDs have closed captions, not subtitles, which can only be viewed on our computer, not with any TV DVD players, and 3. Even on the computer, the captions are very hard to read because of the way that they overlap on top of each other.

If you want to post this transcript on your site, please let me know where it is going so I can visit it. Also, please post it with my name (Zzickle) and website ( on it.

You are more than welcome to use these transcripts in your fanfiction stories, no notification required.

Cast List:

Archie MacDonald - Alastair Mackenzie
              Laird of Glenbogle

Hector MacDonald - Richard Briers
              Archie's father

Molly MacDonald - Susan Hampshire
              Archie's mother

Golly Mackenzie - Alexander Morton
              Estate groundskeeper

Lexie MacDonald - Dawn Steele
              Estate housekeeper

Duncan McKay - Hamish Clark
              Estate handyman

Young Archie - Calum Telford

Jamie MacDonald - Patrick Flannery
              Archie's brother

Lachie MacSween - Malcolm Shields
Lewis MacSween - Jim Twaddale

Justine Thatcher - Anna Wilson-Jones
              Archie's girlfriend

Katrina Finlay - Loraine Pilkington
              head school teacher

Alan Smythe - Paul Goodwin
              Katrinaís ex-boyfriend

Angus Kilwillie - Julian Fellowes
              Hectorís friend

Flora Kilwillie - Morag Siller
              Kilwillieís daughter

Geordie McCann - Ralph Raich
              Mollyís Ďturf accountantí

Older Shepherd - Stephen Aintree
              Kilwillieís tenant

Shona - Elena Spinks
              Katrinaís student


1 - Just the Two of Us

Library, night

Archie - [woken up by a kiss] Justine.

Justine - Did you sleep all right?

Archie - Eventually, thanks.

Justine - I missed you. Come back to bed.

Archie - Are you sure?

Justine - Iím sorry. Itís silly to quarrel, especially when Iíve come all this way.

Archie - I only wanted to know who was looking after the restaurant.

Justine - What? Youíre asking me whoís looking after the restaurant?

Archie - I just meant--

Justine - [sighing] Itís okay. Letís just forget about it. Letís just . . . [sighs again]

Archie - Yeah, letís.


Downstairs foyer, next morning

Archie - We make a right pair, donít we?

Justine - A good pair, I always thought.

Archie - Letís make the most of the next couple of days, huh?

Justine - Iíd like that. Just the two of us. [they kiss]

Lexie - [clears throat] Sorry. Youíve got visitors.

Archie - Who is it?

Lexie - Julie Andrews and the Von Trapp family.1


2 - Main Titles

[opening credits]


3 - Meet the Parents


Katrina - [to small boy] Just hold that there.

Archie - Katrina.

Katrina - Good morning. [to small girl] Shona . . .

Shona - Mr. MacDonald, weíd like to thank you, on behalf of the school, for your generosity in donating land for our new gym, which will be a valuable resource for the whole community of Glenbogle.

Archie - Why thank you.

Boy - [holds up a giant thank you card] Thatís you wearing a kilt.

Archie - All right. [takes large posterboard thank you card and opens it.]

[Inside of card reads: ďMr MacDonald weíd like to thank you on behalf of the school for your generosity in donating land for our new gym which will be a valuable resource for the whole community of Glenbogle.Ē Followed by signatures: Dana, Natasha, Linda, etc.]

Archie - Thanks.

Katrina - Iím sorry we got off on the wrong foot. And I was thinking, if you really want a hand with the estate accounts, Iíd be happy to help out . . . until you got someone better.

Archie - No, no, youíd be great. Iíll take you up on that.

Katrina - Okay, kids, say goodbye to Mr. MacDonald.

Line of kids - [together] Goodbye, Mr. MacDonald.

Archie - Goodbye. Thank you. [to Katrina] Thanks, that was really nice.

Justine - [from doorway] Archie?

Archie - Oh, sweetheart, I was just--

Justine - I thought you were never coming. [to Katrina] Morning. [to Archie] Arenít you going to introduce me to your friend?

Archie - Oh, right. Um . . . Justine, this is Katrina. Katrina, Justine.

Katrina - Hi.

Justine - Hi.


Dining room

Hector - So, what are you two going to do today? Hunting? Fishing?

Justine - Definitely not. The business with the hook in the fishís mouth.

Archie - Actually, I thought weíd just hang out together.

Hector - Hang what out?

Molly - Take no notice of my husband, Justine. Heís a very rude man.

Justine - Quality time. You know. [Lexie sets bowl in front of her] Is this--

Lexie - . . . porridge.

Justine - Is it gluten free? [Hector sighs]



Archie - Justine, are you sure about those shoes?

Justine - No, but I certainly wasnít putting my feet into your dadís old wellies. They can go for a walk on their own.

Molly - [watching from nearby] Oh, arenít they sweet, Hector? Do you remember when we were like that? Star-crossed young lovers? [kisses his cheek]

Hector - Molly, please, act your age.

Molly - Oh, why donít we hang out together? Just like them?

Hector - Well why? What would be the point of that?


Hillside near Glenbogle house

Archie - Well, what do you think of it then?

Justine - A bit gothic. A bit forbidding. A bit of a monstrosity.

Archie - Monstrosity?

Justine - I can see youíre very attached to it. You must admit, it is like the house in ďPsycho.Ē Remind me not to have a shower.

Archie - Thatís all right, Ďcause there arenít any. Not just yet, anyway. [sees truck driving toward the house] Now, whoís that, then? Whatís he up to?



Hector - Morning, boys. Long time, no see. A bit busy, then?

Lachie - [climbing out of truck] Quiet of late, sir.

Lewis - Since we finished the nuclear power plant.

Hector - Right, jolly good. Iíll lead on, then.


Hillside near Glenbogle house

Archie - Just wait here, will you, Justine? Iíll be back in a minute.

Justine - Archie!? Where are you going? I want to talk to you! [insect buzzes around her head] Ooh-ugh. Biting things!


Interior of bedroom

Lachie - [measuring height of ceiling] Eight foot . . . four inches.

Hector - Iíve never understood this modern obsession for having a lavatory within five feet of the bed.

Lewis - Weak bladder, weak mind.

Hector - Quite.

Archie - [enters room] Whatís going on?

Hector - Ah, MacSween brothers, Archie. [to the MacSweens] Probably last saw the boy in short trousers.

Lewis - Aye.

Lachie - Aye.

Archie - Father, can I have a word?

Hector - Yeah. [they leave the room]


Downstairs foyer

Justine - [runs in, looks around] Archie!



Archie - What are you doing?

Hector - You said we needed builders to tart the place up for your precious paying guests, so I telephoned the MacSweens.

Archie - But father--

Hector - Well, I thought youíd be pleased. Itís what you wanted, isnít it?

Archie - Well, yes, but . . . are they any good?

Hector - Theyíre very reasonable.

Archie - Theyíre not, are they? Donít tell me theyíre the ones that did the rewiring?

Hector - Their family has done all the maintenance on the house since the war. Good heavens. Their great grandfather built it.

Archie - I was going to get a firm in from Inverness, Edinburgh even, somewhere with a bit more--

Hector - One thing about being the laird, you spend close to home, support local people. That way, you keep the peace, all right?

Archie - Very well. One condition. Iím in charge. I supervise everything, okay?

Hector - All right.


4 - Jamieís Room

Gollyís house

Duncan - Golly?

Golly - Uh-huh.

Duncan - Can I ask you something?

Golly - Wish you would. Youíve been building up to it all day.

Duncan - Well, the thing is, Iíve got two tickets to the ball.

Golly - Ach, thatís awful sweet of you, Duncan, but I have to wash the dogs tomorrow night.

Duncan - Eh? No. The thing is--

Golly - You want to take Lexie, but you donít know how to ask her.

Duncan - How did you know that?

Golly - Just tell her you want to take her.

Duncan - But how?

Golly - Oh, Duncan, Duncan, Duncan. Just tell her that sheís . . . the bonniest lass north of Perth and you want to prove it by taking her to the premier event in Scotlandís social calendar.

Duncan - Right. Okay. Thatís it.


Downstairs foyer

Molly - [on the phone] Hello? Itís me. Are we on, then? [pause] Ooh, you terrible man. I feel wonderfully conspiratorial. See you in a trice. [hangs up phone, starts singing] I feel pretty. Oh, so pretty. I feel pretty--

Justine - You look it.

Molly - Ah, thank you. Well, whatís an old maid to do?

Hector - Are you going out?

Molly - Yes, dear.

Hector - You go out Fridays. Poodle Ďround Inverness Fridays.

Molly - I know.

Hector - Well, today isnít Friday.

Molly - Where would we be without your razor-like intelligence, dear? [leaves]



Archie - [to MacSween brothers] Now, this is important. Not this room, okay?

Lewis - Not this room.

Lachie - [to Lewis] Put a cross on it.

Lewis - Blasphemy.

Lachie - Sideways cross.

[Lachie marks an X on door with piece of chalk]

Archie - [to Justine] All right?

Justine - Nothing that a hot bath and some hydrocortisone wonít fix.

Archie - Right [continues tour] These five bedrooms, right here . . . same treatment in each.


Glenbogle bus stop

[Molly is sitting on the bench, gets up as car swings past and stops]

Geordie - [getting out of car] Ah, that shocked ya right enough, eh?

Molly - Geordie, whatís this? Is it new?

Geordie - A gambling debt. It was either this, or a full set of broken fingers.

Molly - Oh, how thrilling. Youíre joking?

Geordie - Thatís the thing with Geordie McCann, you never quite know. Sheís a beauty, eh?

Molly - Ohh.

Geordie - And look, shoes to match. [shows of his pristine white loafers]

Molly - Oh, my.

Geordie - Leather. Italian. Hand-tooled.

Molly - They look it.

Geordie - Youíve got to hand it to the Italians, they know about style.

Molly - What can I say, Geordie? Youíve done it again.



Duncan - Lexie? What are you . . . doing?

Lexie - Nothing fancy. Just a leg of mince.

Duncan - You wonít be cooking tomorrow night. Itís my night off, too.

Lexie - Oh? What do you want me to do, bake you a cake?

Duncan - Itís the Glenbogle ball. Would you -- would you like to come with me?

Lexie - With you? Why would I want to do that?

Duncan - Because youíre the bonniest lass north of Perth, and I want to prove it by taking you to the premier event in Scotlandís social calendar.

Lexie - Oh, I see. Did you get that guff from Golly?

Duncan - No. Um . . . yes.

Lexie - Right. Okay.

Duncan - What?

Lexie - Iíll come with you.

Duncan - Oh, right. [leaves quickly and as soon as he is out of sight, shouts] Yes!



Lachie - [carrying a bathroom sink] Every single time, Lewis. Do I have to show you everything? You do the humpiní, Iíll do the thinkiní.

Justine - [coming out of bathroom in robe] Archie?

Lewis - Youíre great at that.

Lachie - Brothers . . . who needs Ďem?

Justine - Archie? [enters bedroom with chalk X on door, looks around]

Hector - [from hallway] Whoís there?

Justine - Itís me.

Hector - Whoís that? [enters room] Oh, itís you.

Justine - I was looking for Archie, and I found his old room.

Hector - Itís Jamieís.

Justine - Jamie?

Hector - Archieís brother.

Justine - Brother? I never knew he had a--

Hector - He died, some years ago.

Justine - Iím very sorry.

Hector - Look, this is private. No one comes in here except Molly and me.

Justine - I didnít mean to intrude.

Hector - Well, thereís really nothing much to see, anyways. Itís just full of . . . old things.

Justine - [apologetic] Sorry. [leaves]

Hector - [leaves, closes door behind him and sees chalk mark on opposite door] Who did that? [rubs mark away with his sleeve, turns, sees mark on Jamieís door] Damn useless. [rubs that mark away, too]


Woods surrounding Glenbogle

Justine - Archie, do you know why I came up here?

Archie - To ravish my body?

Justine - Would be nice to get the chance. I came to see what you were doing here, and if you were coming back.

Archie - Of course Iím coming back.

Justine - Are you?

Archie - Justine, thereís things to be done here -- the renovation. Iíve got to get a business structure sorted. But it wonít take long. Weíll soon be together again.

Justine - You never told me about Jamie, either. What happened?

Archie - Itís a long story. Iíll tell you another time, okay?

Justine - Right. Tell me about Katrina, then.

Archie - Katrina? [sheep baaing startles Justine]

Justine - Archie?!

Archie - Justine, theyíre only sheep.

Justine - What about when you get foot and mouth, and Lymeís disease? Ooh.

Archie - Justine.

Shepherd - [herding sheep down the road] Git, git.

Archie - Morning.

Shepherd - All right? Itís okay, love. Their baas are worse than their bite. [Archie chuckles]


Dirt road near lake

[Hector is hitting golf balls into the lake. He watches as a car pulls to a stop on the road above and Molly gets out]

Molly - Thank you, darling. I had a wonderful time.

Geordie - Did ya, duchess?

Molly - And thank you for the tips.


5 - Kilwillieís Dilemma


Lexie - Archie and Justine didnít sleep together last night. He slept there. [nods to a chair]

Katrina - Iím sure thatís nobodyís business but theirs, Lexie.

Lexie - Really? Come to take him back to London, you know? And we canít have that. Heís our Archie, isnít he?

Archie - [enters] This is very good of you. I really think we ought to pay you something.

Katrina - I wouldnít hear of it.

Archie - Destroy your political cred, would it? Doing Lairdís accounts as well as taking his money?

Katrina - You could do a lot more with it than spend it on me, you know?

Archie - I might, if I had any.

Katrina - Someone like yourself with energy and a sense of responsibility -- a radical laird. Thereís so much to be done here for the community. People like you and me should work together.

Archie - [turns as Justine approaches] Justine. You feeling better?

Justine - Marginally. [to Katrina] Hello, again.

Archie - How Ďbout some tea?


Downstairs foyer

Kilwillie - Where are they?

Lexie - [looking at Kilwillie's car in driveway] In the library. You know, where I come from, only drug dealers drive foxy vehicles like that. Oh, well. Canít stand around gossiping all day.



Kilwillie - Iím in a pickle in a stew. Iím here to throw myself on your charity and generosity.

Hector - You are jesting. Youíre as rich as Croesus.

Molly - Whateverís the matter, Kilwillie?

Kilwillie - Iíve done a deal with these Fujiyama car people, for them to take over my place for three days, so they can show their latest model to the press. Iíve got fifty journalists coming to get wined and dined and play ďDamon HillĒ2 on the mountain roads.

Archie - What a great way to diversify income.

Molly - So?

Kilwillie - Well, they were due to come the day after tomorrow. But theyíve just rung up today and said now they want to come tomorrow -- put on a special dinner in the evening.

Katrina - But tomorrow nightís the ball.

Kilwillie - I know.

Hector - Well, itís obvious what you must do, Kilwillie. Tell them to take a running jump into Yokohama Bay.

Kilwillie - I canít, old man. Theyíve given me fifty grand and a brand new motor, and . . . I want them to come back next year.

Hector - I warned you. This is exactly the kind of curse you call upon your head when you sign a compact with the devil commerce.

Archie - Be realistic, father. Kilwillieís doing exactly what he has to.

Molly - So, when you said you were throwing yourself on our thingammies . . .

Kilwillie - Well, I was just wondering--

Hector - Oh, no.

Kilwillie - If you could possibly see your way to--

Hector - Absolutely and definitely not!

Kilwillie - But you always used to have the ball here until Jamie--

Molly - [after a pause] Itís too much to ask, Kilwillie. One dayís notice, the dust.

Archie - The thing is, weíve got the builders in. Well, sort of builders.

Kilwillie - Oh, dear.

Katrina - But you canít cancel the ball. The whole communityís looking forward to it so much. [Kilwillie sighs]

Archie - Iím sorry, weíre going to have to say no.

Justine - Hang on. I could do it.

Kilwillie - What?

Justine - With everyoneís help.

Archie - Justine.

Justine - Come on. We run a restaurant. I used to organize events just like this. Itís a piece of cake, provided youíve got leadership.

Kilwillie - Oh, I say.

Hector - Now listen here . . .

Justine - Letís start with the basics. [leads them out of the library]


Downstairs foyer

Justine - Okay, nice space. The dancing could be here. Thereís a band?

Katrina - Kind of secondhand Jimmy Shand3.

Justine - Band will go there. Food in the dining room, bar in the library. Thereís outside caterers?

Kilwillie - What a marvelous girl.

Justine - Iíll give them a call in the morning. Sort out the other details then.

Molly - Well, if you really think you can do it.

Hector - I wash my hands of the whole business.

Kilwillie - Sheís completely marvelous.

Archie - Okay, then, why not?

Justine - If everyone pitches in. Maybe Katrina can help me tomorrow?

Katrina - Me?

Justine - For the sake of the community. After all, thereís so much to be done here. People like you and me should work together.


6 - The Weary Traveler

Katrinaís house

Katrina - [hears knocking at her door] Whoís that?

Alan - Itís me.

Katrina - Whoís me?

Alan - Me, you daft gowk.

Katrina - [opens door] Alan.


[later, Alan reading newspaper while Katrina makes tea]

Katrina - Make yourself at home, why donít you?

Alan - Doing my best. Got any hobnobs4?

Katrina - You really take the biscuit, you know that? What are you doing here?

Alan - Fact-finding mission. New policy document on agriculture, the plight of crofters and tenant farmers.

Katrina - So the party sends its spin doctor-in-chief and he just happens to come to my glen. Smells fishy to me.

Alan - Any chance of a bed for a weary traveler?

Katrina - Iíll get you a pillow for the sofa. [Alanís grin fades]


Mollyís bedroom

Molly - Oh, Hector, what can I do for you?

Hector - Who were you gallivanting with this afternoon?

Molly - Just a friend.

Hector - We donít have any friends who own off-white Rolls Royce.

Molly - We donít, but I do.

Hector - Who is he?

Molly - His name is Geordie. Heís my bookie.

Hector - Your what?

Molly - My turf accountant.

Hector - Good God. What do you get up to together?

Molly - Well, what do you think?

Hector - You are shameless. I donít know what to say to you.

Molly - Tell me Iím a jezebel. Iíve always wanted to be called that. [laughs]

Hector - This must cease with immediate effect. Do you understand?

Molly - Oh, donít be so stuffy, Hector. Weíre just good friends. [Hector turns to leave] Arenít you staying?

Hector - Iím going to my room . . . to consider my position. [leaves, trips over bathroom sink left in hallway by MacSweens] Aah!

Molly - Are you all right?

Hector - Blasted builders!

[Molly chuckles, Hector slams his bedroom door shut]


Lake shore

Hector - [throws stick into water, then looks at his terriers] Iím so sorry. Perhaps youíd prefer it if I retrieved your stick? Sometimes I wonder what the point of you two is. [sighs]



Lachie - [staring at door] Canít see it. Can you?

Lewis - [staring at door on opposite side] Just wood.

Lachie - Iíve decided. This was a tick. Cross was down there. [enters Jamieís room] Well, letís get to work. [they start moving furniture around]


Katrinaís house

Alan - Hey, teach. Off to indoctrinate young minds, are you?

Katrina - Ha, you should have your own show. Anyway, itís Saturday, you whose fingerís on the nationís pulse.

Alan - Can I buy you dinner tonight, for old timesí sake?

Katrina - Which old times would they be? The time I found you in bed with somebody else?

Alan - Come on, where did you sleep last night, the knife drawer? Lifeís too short for this.

Katrina - Iím out tonight. I do have a social life.

Alan - Where are you going?

Katrina - If you must know, Iím going to a ball at Glenbogle House.

Alan - A ball?! My, my. Arenít you the social climber? [Katrina leaves, slamming door]


Mollyís bedroom

Justine - [holding up various dresses] Molly, these are beautiful.

Molly - I stopped buying clothes years ago, when the money ran out. I donít even buy knickers any more.

Justine - Really? So . . . ?

Molly - I just donít bother wearing them.

Justine - [laughs] Molly.

Molly - Itís wonderful. I do recommend it. Itís rather a splendid thing, making sensual discoveries at my time of life.

Justine - Oh, this is exquisite.

Molly - Mind you, I donít think Hectorís noticed. [points at dress] Givenchy, 1959.

Justine - Oh, this is sweet, too.

Molly - Dior, 1963. Oh, and I had this made for Jamieís christening. I can still get into it, you know.

Justine - Molly, you are a marvel.

Molly - No, Iím not. Oh, you are sweet.

Justine - Iíd like to see some photos of Jamie and Archie when they were little.

Molly - So would I. We have some of Archie, but the best ones of Jamie disappeared years ago.

Justine - No.

Molly - Such a pity. They just sort of got lost. So, which one is it to be?



Alan - [stops his car to let sheep by, greets the shepherd] Morning. Taking the beasts to market?

Shepherd - Taking them walkies, you mean. Different pasture every day. Itís not good for them, you know. Iím trying to fatten them up, not put Ďem through a Jane Fonda exercise course.

Alan - Have you got a problem?

Shepherd - Landlord-type problem. Toffee-nosed git called Kilwillie.

Alan - Youíre a shepherd . . . from Liverpool?

Shepherd - Birkenhead. Something wrong with that?

Alan - Not at all. I embrace the vision of the new Scotland being a healthy, multicultural and . . . truly modern society. So, whatís this about your landlord?


7 - Jamieís Things

Estate Office

Katrina - [on the phone] No, nothing fancy. Just all the regular numbers. [hears footsteps] Okay, great. Thanks a lot. Bye. [hangs up]

Justine - [enters] Katrina, how are you getting on? Managed to sort out the band yet?

Katrina - It wasnít easy, but I managed it in the end. Iím just doing the accounts now.

Justine - So kind of you to help Archie out until he gets some professional help.


Jamieís bedroom

Hector - What -- what the hell are you doing?! This room must never be touched!

Lewis - Mr. Hector . . .

Archie - Whatís happening?

Molly - The boys, theyíve done the wrong room.

Lewis - The cross had gone.

Archie - What?

Lachie - Ticks and crosses, all gone.

Hector - You clowns! Our sonís room!

Molly - Come on, Hector.

Archie - I want this room put back exactly as you found it.

Hector - You were supposed to be in charge. ďIíll supervise it all,Ē you said. The old story. Why is it you always let me down?

Molly - Come on, Hector, come away.

Lewis - We found something. The skirting by the fireplace was loose. [hands black box to Archie] Someone must have hid it years back.

Archie - [reading lid] ďJ.M.Ē It must have been Jamie.


Downstairs foyer

Golly - What is it?

Hector - They found this in Jamieís room.

Justine - Archie? [door closes, shutting her out]

Golly - Eh . . . come with me, lass. Thereís something you should know.



Molly - All his old things. School reports.


Lake shore

Golly - Jamie was the older of the two boys. Good at everything he touched. He could shoot better than me, fish better than his father. Wasnít short of brains neither. The golden boy. It wasnít easy for Archie to live up to him, especially when he knew how much . . . Hector doted on Jamie. But . . . Archie didnít resent him. He couldnít.

Justine - What happened?

Golly - Ah, well . . . one summer, Archie was 14, Jamie 18, about to go to Oxford, and they came out here one day in Hectorís old dinghy. Calm as a millpond. Then Archie started acting the goat, leaping up and down in the prow. The top and the bottom was he capsized the thing. So in they went, which was not a problem as they could both . . . swim like fishes. But . . . they had a dog with them, Hectorís old Labrador, and she -- she panicked and went under. Now Jamie took a mouthful of air and swam after her, just as Archie was climbing on to the boat. And . . .

Justine - He never came back up?

Golly - Yeah. The police divers found him six hours later, caught up in the weeds by that inlet there. You know something? It was the day of the Glenbogle ball. I had to stand out front, receive all these folk in their finery -- explain what had happened over and over again. Molly cried for a year. Hector never shed a tear, so she said. As for Archie and his father, well . . . how could things ever be the same again?



Hector - [watching an old home movie from Jamieís box as Archie enters] Iím, uh, glad we found these old things. Itís good to have them. [leaves]

Molly - [comes to doorway] Dear boy. [hugs Archie]

Archie - When will I be free of it, mother?

Molly - Archie, get on with your life. Take your girl to the ball. Be happy.


Downstairs foyer

Lachie - Come on, Lewis. Come on. [they go downstairs]

Molly - [hands them a bottle of whisky] Here, boys. It wasnít your fault.

Lachie - Thanks, maíam. [they go back upstairs]


8 - Trying to Evolve


Katrina - Archie, I . . .

Archie - Come on, Iíll give you a lift.


Outside Katrinaís house

Katrina - What can I say to you, Archie? Only that Iím sorry.

Archie - My mother says ďGet on with your life, Archie,Ē but sometimes . . . I donít know what my life is, you know?

Katrina - Well, itís not just you wondering that.

Archie - I know. Iím so privileged, but--- [sighs] Thanks, Katrina. Listen, Iíd better go. The ball.


Katrinaís house

Alan - [as Katrina enters] So, thatís the Laird of Glenbogle. The dashing young dinosaur.

Katrina - At least heís trying to evolve, unlike some.


9 - The Glenbogle Ball

Downstairs foyer

Hector - [listening to the band play] Those chaps all right? They seem to be murdering a perfectly good tune.

Molly - [as Justine comes down the staircase] Oh, lovely, my dear, you look lovely.

Archie - [runs past] Back in a minute.

Justine - [as Archie runs up the stairs] Back in a kilt, I hope?

Golly - [announcing arriving guests] Mr. and Mrs. David Muir.

Hector - First guests, get in line.



Lexie - [as Duncan enters] Oh, my boy. Check him out. Straight off a shortbread tin. [leans over and sniffs him]

Duncan - What are you doing?

Lexie - Well done. Almost got rid of the stench of deer guts.


Downstairs foyer

[Archie appears at top of stairs, dressed for the ball. Justine, downstairs among the guests, sees him and waves. He returns the wave, but doesnít join her. Meanwhile, Hector and Molly continue to greet arriving guests.]

Flora - [to Molly] Youíre such bricks.

Kilwillie - Now, um, this is, er, Mister -- uh, these are two gentlemen from Fujiyama.

Molly and Hector - Ah.

Kilwillie - And, er, theyíre both very anxious to know what a Caledonian ball is really like.

Hector - Ah.

Flora - [spies Archie coming downstairs] Oooh! Archie! [waves furiously and runs over to hug him.]


Lexie - [to Justine] Kilwillieís daughter, Flora. The two old fellas always dreamed about it -- uniting two ancient bloodlines. . . with Laurel and Hardy there.


Golly - [still announcing guests] Mr. Geordie McCann.

Geordie - Ah, youíll be the husband, then.

Hector - Allegedly.

Geordie - Well, Duchess, may I have the pleasure? [leads Molly to the dance floor]

Hector - Donít worry about me. Iím only a cripple anyway. Kilwillie, I need the stiffest drink this side of the arctic.


Lexie - [pulling Duncan away from the buffet table] Come on, Ginger Rogers5. Strut your stuff.


Upstairs bathroom

Lewis - Our father would choke in his grave if he could see us now. . . in a house of dissolution. Among devilís cavortings and godless Sassenachs.

Lachie - Lewis, youíre my brother and my partner, but youíre a pure blind bigot. Here, give us another dram. [Lewis rolls bottle of whisky to him.]


Downstairs foyer

Golly - [as Katrina enters] Hello, lass.

Katrina - Hi.

Golly - You look the part.

Katrina - I donít feel it. [moves into the room]

Golly - [announcing] Miss Katrina Finlay.

Justine - Katrina.

Katrina - Everything okay?

Justine - What a sweet little dress. Does wonders for you. Just goes to show what a bit of color will do.

Katrina - Thank you, Justine. I suppose youíd know all about that with your complexion.


Field behind Katrinaís House

Alan - Right, boys. Ready for a spot of direct action?

Shepherd - What, like chinning the little git?

Alan - Oh, thatís too easy. The way to get at folk, like this Kilwillie, is to embarrass him in front of his social peers. So, I see . . . you brought the, er-- [sheep start baaing]


Upstairs bathroom

Lachie - [drunk] Can you not hear other pipes? Far away? Like the ghosts of a battle . . . fought and lost, long ago. [no response from Lewis] Ah, youíve no poetry in you.

Lewis - Lachie, youíre my brother and my partner, but I hate your guts.


10 - The Chicken Legs Department


Hector - [drinking alone in a corner] Ah. [sees Justine enter] Oh, hello.

Justine - Could I have one of those? [Hector hesitates] You disapprove of women drinking whiskey?

Hector - Only if they donít really like it and are just trying to make a point. Then itís a sad waste. [pours her a glass, which she downs] Ah, not apparently on this occasion.

Justine - You disapprove of me though, donít you, Hector? Just for the record -- I approve of you. You say what you think. And . . . Iím sorry about Jamie.

Hector - Why should you be sorry? You never knew him.

Justine - No, but . . . his death still hurts someone I care about, so Iím sorry. And I understand a little. I once lost a child. A miscarriage, years ago. Even Archie doesnít know. The world is never the same again, is it?

Hector - No. So . . . you want to marry my son, do you?

Justine - I donít give a damn about marrying him. Iíd like to go on living with him. Iíd like to have children with him.

Hector - Would you now?

Justine - If thatís what he wants. Iím not sure that he does.

Hector - Ah. Justine, you know, youíre not actually such a bad chap.

Kilwillie - [poking his head into the library] There you are, child. Will you . . . come and have a canter with me? [they leave]



Alan - [as Shepherd herds his sheep up the drive] Archie MacDonald. A dinosaur about to become extinct.



Archie - [enters] Oh, there you are.

Hector - Aye. If youíre looking for Justine, sheís having her feet flattened by Kilwillie.

Archie - I know.

Hector - Everything all right between you two?

Archie - I donít know.

Hector - Hmm. Your mother still dancing with that bookie fella?

Archie - Yes. Everything all right between you two?

Hector - I donít know. Have a drink. [pours a glass] Women, eh?

Archie - Indeed.

Hector - Well, Iím glad we agree about something.


Downstairs foyer

Flora - [to Archie] Where have you been? Come on.

Archie - No, Flora, I canít. Thank you. [to Katrina] You all right? [she nods] They seem to be playing our song.

Katrina - Thursday afternoons. Miss MacPherson. Smelly socks and overcooked cabbage.

Archie - I used to hate that lesson. Scottish country dancing.

Katrina - You never had the right partner. Maureen MacLeod always nabbed you. [Archie takes her hand and leads her to the dance floor]


Kilwillie - [to Hector] Itís a fine ball, old man. Are you all right?

Hector - Every man has his breaking point, Kilwillie.


[couples are dancing together - Archie and Katrina, Molly and Geordie, Lexie and Duncan, Kilwillie and his daughter Flora. Hector is watching Molly, and Justine is watching Archie and Katrina.]


Upstairs bathroom

Lachie - [drunk] Right. You want plumbing? Youíll get bloody plumbing. [takes large wrench and opens water pipe valve in floor. Water sprays upwards in a fountain.]

Lewis - [sitting in the tub] The windows of heaven were opened . . . and there was rain upon the earth. [Lachie laughs]


Downstairs foyer

Katrina - [as song ends] Thanks for that, Archie.


Lexie - [to Justine] In the olden days, chiefs like Archie could do what they want with their kinsmenís women. Sowed more seeds than a Massey Ferguson6. No wonder we kept losing to the English. [laughs as Duncan twirls her around] Ooh, Duncan! Ha, ha.


Archie - [to Katrina] So who is this Alan chap?

Justine - Listen, Katrina, perhaps youíd like to take a look at the buffet, make sure they donít run out of chicken legs?

Katrina - Listen, Justine, I think maybe youíre the expert in the chicken legs department.

Archie - Come on, girls, letís just be friends.

Justine - Keep out of this!

Katrina - [at the same time] Shut up!


Molly - [to Geordie] Wonderful. Now I must go and find Hector.

Geordie - I thought your first duty was to your guests?

Molly - Youíre a lovely man, Geordie, and an even lovelier bookie. But Hector, you see, heís my husband.

Geordie - Ach, youíre wasted on him.

Hector - [interrupting] Unhand my wife, sir!

Molly - Hector, donít be so stupid.

Hector - I demand you stop this malarkey right now.

Geordie - Donít be daft, old timer.

Hector - You, sir, are an appalling little oik! [takes a swing at Geordie]

Molly - Hector!

[Hector grabs a ceremonial sword from the wall and attacks Geordie, who grabs the accompanying shield to defend himself.]

Archie - Father.


[Bleating sheep suddenly run in through the front door, startling the guests. As chaos ensues, the band switches from traditional Scottish music to a rock version. Following behind the sheep is Alan]

Alan - [into a bullhorn] Lord Kilwillie, while youíre here enjoying yourself, you tenants and their stock are suffering. Youíre a parasite and a leech, and decent folk want you out.

Shepherd - Out, out.

Alan - [chanting with Shepherd] Out, out.

Archie - [to Alan] Just get out! Get out!

Alan - [to Archie, through bullhorn] Baa.


[suddenly one corner of the ceiling bursts, pouring water down on the guests standing there.]

Lexie - [to Duncan] No, right, come on, over here. [drags him under the leaking ceiling and kisses him.]

Duncan - Whoa . . . Lexie! [Lexie laughs hysterically. Duncan responds with sarcasm.] Ha. Ha.

Kilwillie - [to Hector] Wild party, old man.


Outside Katrinaís house, dawn

Alan - [jogging after Katrina toward her house] Katrina . . . Katrina . . . Katrina, come on.


Downstairs foyer

Molly - [on her way upstairs] Good night, Justine. I hope you enjoyed our little entertainment.

Hector - Good night, Jamie. [awkward pause]

Archie - [stands up] Father, Iím not Jamie. I never was. I never will be. Iím me. My name is Archie, okay?

Hector - Your . . . rebuke . . . is merited. I apologize to you. Iíll say good night. Sleep well, Justine. [goes upstairs]

Justine - Iím leaving in the morning. Are you coming?

Archie - Justine, I canít. You know I canít. The building work, the house, everything.

Justine - Itís not that. You know, I know. There are things to be settled. But theyíre all in here. [rests her finger on his forehead] Iím right, arenít I? [Archie nods] Okay. So, Iíll wait for you.

Archie - Thanks.

Justine - But not forever. I love you, Archie, but I wonít wait forever. And stay away from Katrina or Iíll kill you. [they shear a smile and a kiss and Justine goes upstairs.]


11 - Reconciliation

Hectorís bedroom

Hector - I donít want you to see that bookie fella again, do you hear me?

Molly - Donít be absurd, Hector. Heís my friend.

Hector - I forbid it.

Molly - Well, I shall just have to defy you then.

Hector - Oh, Molly. After all weíve been through together. I care for you!

Molly - You care more for your terriers than you do for me.

Hector - I need you. I love you.

Molly - Well, if you do, perhaps the lesson of tonightís horribly embarrassing, but in its way, rather wonderful scene, is that you need to show it rather more. Iíll say good night.

Hector - Wonít you stay a little? You looked so wonderful in that frock tonight. Is it new?

Molly - It was . . . a quarter of a century ago.



[Archie hears noises from Hectorís bedroom]

Hector - Darling. [kissing noises, laughter]

Molly - Take that wicked smile off your face.

Hector - No, I wonít. [more laughter]

[Archie picks up piece of chalk, put check mark on the bedroom door, leaves]


End of Episode 3, Series 1


1. Julie Andrews and the Von Trapp family - reference to ďSound of MusicĒ Back to transcript

2. Damon Hill - 1996 Formula One World Champion Back to transcript

3. Jimmy Shand - famous Scottish musician, button accordion player Back to transcript

4. hobnobs - McVities HobNobs; Nobbly Oaty biscuits made from rolled oats, wholemeal, sugar & vegetable oil. Back to transcript

5. Ginger Rogers - dance partner of Fred Astaire Back to transcript

6. Massey Ferguson - lawn, tractor, and farm equipment company Back to transcript

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