Monarch of the Glen

Episode Transcripts

 

Series 1, Episode 3

Based on the novels by Compton MacKenzie

Produced by Nick Pitt
Directed by Edward Bennett
Written by Michael Chaplin

For BBC Scotland
Airdate: March 12, 2000

 

Zzickle's Notes:

I don't own Monarch of the Glen - The contents of this transcript are taken directly from the episode (with help of closed captions), to the best of my ability.

These transcripts were made because 1. My dad has trouble understanding some of the very Scottish accents (and colloquialisms), 2. The DVDs have closed captions, not subtitles, which can only be viewed on our computer, not with any TV DVD players, and 3. Even on the computer, the captions are very hard to read because of the way that they overlap on top of each other.

If you want to post this transcript on your site, please let me know where it is going so I can visit it. Also, please post it with my name (Zzickle) and website (http://zzickle.topcities.com/) on it.

You are more than welcome to use these transcripts in your fanfiction stories, no notification required.

Cast List:

Archie MacDonald - Alastair Mackenzie
              Laird of Glenbogle

Hector MacDonald - Richard Briers
              Archie's father

Molly MacDonald - Susan Hampshire
              Archie's mother

Golly Mackenzie - Alexander Morton
              Estate groundskeeper

Lexie MacDonald - Dawn Steele
              Estate housekeeper

Duncan McKay - Hamish Clark
              Estate handyman

Young Archie - Calum Telford

Jamie MacDonald - Patrick Flannery
              Archie's brother

Lachie MacSween - Malcolm Shields
Lewis MacSween - Jim Twaddale
              builders

Justine Thatcher - Anna Wilson-Jones
              Archie's girlfriend

Katrina Finlay - Loraine Pilkington
              head school teacher

Alan Smythe - Paul Goodwin
              Katrina’s ex-boyfriend

Angus Kilwillie - Julian Fellowes
              Hector’s friend

Flora Kilwillie - Morag Siller
              Kilwillie’s daughter

Geordie McCann - Ralph Raich
              Molly’s ‘turf accountant’

Older Shepherd - Stephen Aintree
              Kilwillie’s tenant

Shona - Elena Spinks
              Katrina’s student

 

1 - Just the Two of Us

Library, night

Archie - [woken up by a kiss] Justine.

Justine - Did you sleep all right?

Archie - Eventually, thanks.

Justine - I missed you. Come back to bed.

Archie - Are you sure?

Justine - I’m sorry. It’s silly to quarrel, especially when I’ve come all this way.

Archie - I only wanted to know who was looking after the restaurant.

Justine - What? You’re asking me who’s looking after the restaurant?

Archie - I just meant--

Justine - [sighing] It’s okay. Let’s just forget about it. Let’s just . . . [sighs again]

Archie - Yeah, let’s.

 

Downstairs foyer, next morning

Archie - We make a right pair, don’t we?

Justine - A good pair, I always thought.

Archie - Let’s make the most of the next couple of days, huh?

Justine - I’d like that. Just the two of us. [they kiss]

Lexie - [clears throat] Sorry. You’ve got visitors.

Archie - Who is it?

Lexie - Julie Andrews and the Von Trapp family.1

 

2 - Main Titles

[opening credits]

 

3 - Meet the Parents

Driveway

Katrina - [to small boy] Just hold that there.

Archie - Katrina.

Katrina - Good morning. [to small girl] Shona . . .

Shona - Mr. MacDonald, we’d like to thank you, on behalf of the school, for your generosity in donating land for our new gym, which will be a valuable resource for the whole community of Glenbogle.

Archie - Why thank you.

Boy - [holds up a giant thank you card] That’s you wearing a kilt.

Archie - All right. [takes large posterboard thank you card and opens it.]

[Inside of card reads: “Mr MacDonald we’d like to thank you on behalf of the school for your generosity in donating land for our new gym which will be a valuable resource for the whole community of Glenbogle.” Followed by signatures: Dana, Natasha, Linda, etc.]

Archie - Thanks.

Katrina - I’m sorry we got off on the wrong foot. And I was thinking, if you really want a hand with the estate accounts, I’d be happy to help out . . . until you got someone better.

Archie - No, no, you’d be great. I’ll take you up on that.

Katrina - Okay, kids, say goodbye to Mr. MacDonald.

Line of kids - [together] Goodbye, Mr. MacDonald.

Archie - Goodbye. Thank you. [to Katrina] Thanks, that was really nice.

Justine - [from doorway] Archie?

Archie - Oh, sweetheart, I was just--

Justine - I thought you were never coming. [to Katrina] Morning. [to Archie] Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friend?

Archie - Oh, right. Um . . . Justine, this is Katrina. Katrina, Justine.

Katrina - Hi.

Justine - Hi.

 

Dining room

Hector - So, what are you two going to do today? Hunting? Fishing?

Justine - Definitely not. The business with the hook in the fish’s mouth.

Archie - Actually, I thought we’d just hang out together.

Hector - Hang what out?

Molly - Take no notice of my husband, Justine. He’s a very rude man.

Justine - Quality time. You know. [Lexie sets bowl in front of her] Is this--

Lexie - . . . porridge.

Justine - Is it gluten free? [Hector sighs]

 

Driveway

Archie - Justine, are you sure about those shoes?

Justine - No, but I certainly wasn’t putting my feet into your dad’s old wellies. They can go for a walk on their own.

Molly - [watching from nearby] Oh, aren’t they sweet, Hector? Do you remember when we were like that? Star-crossed young lovers? [kisses his cheek]

Hector - Molly, please, act your age.

Molly - Oh, why don’t we hang out together? Just like them?

Hector - Well why? What would be the point of that?

 

Hillside near Glenbogle house

Archie - Well, what do you think of it then?

Justine - A bit gothic. A bit forbidding. A bit of a monstrosity.

Archie - Monstrosity?

Justine - I can see you’re very attached to it. You must admit, it is like the house in “Psycho.” Remind me not to have a shower.

Archie - That’s all right, ‘cause there aren’t any. Not just yet, anyway. [sees truck driving toward the house] Now, who’s that, then? What’s he up to?

 

Driveway

Hector - Morning, boys. Long time, no see. A bit busy, then?

Lachie - [climbing out of truck] Quiet of late, sir.

Lewis - Since we finished the nuclear power plant.

Hector - Right, jolly good. I’ll lead on, then.

 

Hillside near Glenbogle house

Archie - Just wait here, will you, Justine? I’ll be back in a minute.

Justine - Archie!? Where are you going? I want to talk to you! [insect buzzes around her head] Ooh-ugh. Biting things!

 

Interior of bedroom

Lachie - [measuring height of ceiling] Eight foot . . . four inches.

Hector - I’ve never understood this modern obsession for having a lavatory within five feet of the bed.

Lewis - Weak bladder, weak mind.

Hector - Quite.

Archie - [enters room] What’s going on?

Hector - Ah, MacSween brothers, Archie. [to the MacSweens] Probably last saw the boy in short trousers.

Lewis - Aye.

Lachie - Aye.

Archie - Father, can I have a word?

Hector - Yeah. [they leave the room]

 

Downstairs foyer

Justine - [runs in, looks around] Archie!

 

Hallway

Archie - What are you doing?

Hector - You said we needed builders to tart the place up for your precious paying guests, so I telephoned the MacSweens.

Archie - But father--

Hector - Well, I thought you’d be pleased. It’s what you wanted, isn’t it?

Archie - Well, yes, but . . . are they any good?

Hector - They’re very reasonable.

Archie - They’re not, are they? Don’t tell me they’re the ones that did the rewiring?

Hector - Their family has done all the maintenance on the house since the war. Good heavens. Their great grandfather built it.

Archie - I was going to get a firm in from Inverness, Edinburgh even, somewhere with a bit more--

Hector - One thing about being the laird, you spend close to home, support local people. That way, you keep the peace, all right?

Archie - Very well. One condition. I’m in charge. I supervise everything, okay?

Hector - All right.

 

4 - Jamie’s Room

Golly’s house

Duncan - Golly?

Golly - Uh-huh.

Duncan - Can I ask you something?

Golly - Wish you would. You’ve been building up to it all day.

Duncan - Well, the thing is, I’ve got two tickets to the ball.

Golly - Ach, that’s awful sweet of you, Duncan, but I have to wash the dogs tomorrow night.

Duncan - Eh? No. The thing is--

Golly - You want to take Lexie, but you don’t know how to ask her.

Duncan - How did you know that?

Golly - Just tell her you want to take her.

Duncan - But how?

Golly - Oh, Duncan, Duncan, Duncan. Just tell her that she’s . . . the bonniest lass north of Perth and you want to prove it by taking her to the premier event in Scotland’s social calendar.

Duncan - Right. Okay. That’s it.

 

Downstairs foyer

Molly - [on the phone] Hello? It’s me. Are we on, then? [pause] Ooh, you terrible man. I feel wonderfully conspiratorial. See you in a trice. [hangs up phone, starts singing] I feel pretty. Oh, so pretty. I feel pretty--

Justine - You look it.

Molly - Ah, thank you. Well, what’s an old maid to do?

Hector - Are you going out?

Molly - Yes, dear.

Hector - You go out Fridays. Poodle ‘round Inverness Fridays.

Molly - I know.

Hector - Well, today isn’t Friday.

Molly - Where would we be without your razor-like intelligence, dear? [leaves]

 

Hallway

Archie - [to MacSween brothers] Now, this is important. Not this room, okay?

Lewis - Not this room.

Lachie - [to Lewis] Put a cross on it.

Lewis - Blasphemy.

Lachie - Sideways cross.

[Lachie marks an X on door with piece of chalk]

Archie - [to Justine] All right?

Justine - Nothing that a hot bath and some hydrocortisone won’t fix.

Archie - Right [continues tour] These five bedrooms, right here . . . same treatment in each.

 

Glenbogle bus stop

[Molly is sitting on the bench, gets up as car swings past and stops]

Geordie - [getting out of car] Ah, that shocked ya right enough, eh?

Molly - Geordie, what’s this? Is it new?

Geordie - A gambling debt. It was either this, or a full set of broken fingers.

Molly - Oh, how thrilling. You’re joking?

Geordie - That’s the thing with Geordie McCann, you never quite know. She’s a beauty, eh?

Molly - Ohh.

Geordie - And look, shoes to match. [shows of his pristine white loafers]

Molly - Oh, my.

Geordie - Leather. Italian. Hand-tooled.

Molly - They look it.

Geordie - You’ve got to hand it to the Italians, they know about style.

Molly - What can I say, Geordie? You’ve done it again.

 

Kitchen

Duncan - Lexie? What are you . . . doing?

Lexie - Nothing fancy. Just a leg of mince.

Duncan - You won’t be cooking tomorrow night. It’s my night off, too.

Lexie - Oh? What do you want me to do, bake you a cake?

Duncan - It’s the Glenbogle ball. Would you -- would you like to come with me?

Lexie - With you? Why would I want to do that?

Duncan - Because you’re the bonniest lass north of Perth, and I want to prove it by taking you to the premier event in Scotland’s social calendar.

Lexie - Oh, I see. Did you get that guff from Golly?

Duncan - No. Um . . . yes.

Lexie - Right. Okay.

Duncan - What?

Lexie - I’ll come with you.

Duncan - Oh, right. [leaves quickly and as soon as he is out of sight, shouts] Yes!

 

Hallway

Lachie - [carrying a bathroom sink] Every single time, Lewis. Do I have to show you everything? You do the humpin’, I’ll do the thinkin’.

Justine - [coming out of bathroom in robe] Archie?

Lewis - You’re great at that.

Lachie - Brothers . . . who needs ‘em?

Justine - Archie? [enters bedroom with chalk X on door, looks around]

Hector - [from hallway] Who’s there?

Justine - It’s me.

Hector - Who’s that? [enters room] Oh, it’s you.

Justine - I was looking for Archie, and I found his old room.

Hector - It’s Jamie’s.

Justine - Jamie?

Hector - Archie’s brother.

Justine - Brother? I never knew he had a--

Hector - He died, some years ago.

Justine - I’m very sorry.

Hector - Look, this is private. No one comes in here except Molly and me.

Justine - I didn’t mean to intrude.

Hector - Well, there’s really nothing much to see, anyways. It’s just full of . . . old things.

Justine - [apologetic] Sorry. [leaves]

Hector - [leaves, closes door behind him and sees chalk mark on opposite door] Who did that? [rubs mark away with his sleeve, turns, sees mark on Jamie’s door] Damn useless. [rubs that mark away, too]

 

Woods surrounding Glenbogle

Justine - Archie, do you know why I came up here?

Archie - To ravish my body?

Justine - Would be nice to get the chance. I came to see what you were doing here, and if you were coming back.

Archie - Of course I’m coming back.

Justine - Are you?

Archie - Justine, there’s things to be done here -- the renovation. I’ve got to get a business structure sorted. But it won’t take long. We’ll soon be together again.

Justine - You never told me about Jamie, either. What happened?

Archie - It’s a long story. I’ll tell you another time, okay?

Justine - Right. Tell me about Katrina, then.

Archie - Katrina? [sheep baaing startles Justine]

Justine - Archie?!

Archie - Justine, they’re only sheep.

Justine - What about when you get foot and mouth, and Lyme’s disease? Ooh.

Archie - Justine.

Shepherd - [herding sheep down the road] Git, git.

Archie - Morning.

Shepherd - All right? It’s okay, love. Their baas are worse than their bite. [Archie chuckles]

 

Dirt road near lake

[Hector is hitting golf balls into the lake. He watches as a car pulls to a stop on the road above and Molly gets out]

Molly - Thank you, darling. I had a wonderful time.

Geordie - Did ya, duchess?

Molly - And thank you for the tips.

 

5 - Kilwillie’s Dilemma

Library

Lexie - Archie and Justine didn’t sleep together last night. He slept there. [nods to a chair]

Katrina - I’m sure that’s nobody’s business but theirs, Lexie.

Lexie - Really? Come to take him back to London, you know? And we can’t have that. He’s our Archie, isn’t he?

Archie - [enters] This is very good of you. I really think we ought to pay you something.

Katrina - I wouldn’t hear of it.

Archie - Destroy your political cred, would it? Doing Laird’s accounts as well as taking his money?

Katrina - You could do a lot more with it than spend it on me, you know?

Archie - I might, if I had any.

Katrina - Someone like yourself with energy and a sense of responsibility -- a radical laird. There’s so much to be done here for the community. People like you and me should work together.

Archie - [turns as Justine approaches] Justine. You feeling better?

Justine - Marginally. [to Katrina] Hello, again.

Archie - How ‘bout some tea?

 

Downstairs foyer

Kilwillie - Where are they?

Lexie - [looking at Kilwillie's car in driveway] In the library. You know, where I come from, only drug dealers drive foxy vehicles like that. Oh, well. Can’t stand around gossiping all day.

 

Library

Kilwillie - I’m in a pickle in a stew. I’m here to throw myself on your charity and generosity.

Hector - You are jesting. You’re as rich as Croesus.

Molly - Whatever’s the matter, Kilwillie?

Kilwillie - I’ve done a deal with these Fujiyama car people, for them to take over my place for three days, so they can show their latest model to the press. I’ve got fifty journalists coming to get wined and dined and play “Damon Hill”2 on the mountain roads.

Archie - What a great way to diversify income.

Molly - So?

Kilwillie - Well, they were due to come the day after tomorrow. But they’ve just rung up today and said now they want to come tomorrow -- put on a special dinner in the evening.

Katrina - But tomorrow night’s the ball.

Kilwillie - I know.

Hector - Well, it’s obvious what you must do, Kilwillie. Tell them to take a running jump into Yokohama Bay.

Kilwillie - I can’t, old man. They’ve given me fifty grand and a brand new motor, and . . . I want them to come back next year.

Hector - I warned you. This is exactly the kind of curse you call upon your head when you sign a compact with the devil commerce.

Archie - Be realistic, father. Kilwillie’s doing exactly what he has to.

Molly - So, when you said you were throwing yourself on our thingammies . . .

Kilwillie - Well, I was just wondering--

Hector - Oh, no.

Kilwillie - If you could possibly see your way to--

Hector - Absolutely and definitely not!

Kilwillie - But you always used to have the ball here until Jamie--

Molly - [after a pause] It’s too much to ask, Kilwillie. One day’s notice, the dust.

Archie - The thing is, we’ve got the builders in. Well, sort of builders.

Kilwillie - Oh, dear.

Katrina - But you can’t cancel the ball. The whole community’s looking forward to it so much. [Kilwillie sighs]

Archie - I’m sorry, we’re going to have to say no.

Justine - Hang on. I could do it.

Kilwillie - What?

Justine - With everyone’s help.

Archie - Justine.

Justine - Come on. We run a restaurant. I used to organize events just like this. It’s a piece of cake, provided you’ve got leadership.

Kilwillie - Oh, I say.

Hector - Now listen here . . .

Justine - Let’s start with the basics. [leads them out of the library]

 

Downstairs foyer

Justine - Okay, nice space. The dancing could be here. There’s a band?

Katrina - Kind of secondhand Jimmy Shand3.

Justine - Band will go there. Food in the dining room, bar in the library. There’s outside caterers?

Kilwillie - What a marvelous girl.

Justine - I’ll give them a call in the morning. Sort out the other details then.

Molly - Well, if you really think you can do it.

Hector - I wash my hands of the whole business.

Kilwillie - She’s completely marvelous.

Archie - Okay, then, why not?

Justine - If everyone pitches in. Maybe Katrina can help me tomorrow?

Katrina - Me?

Justine - For the sake of the community. After all, there’s so much to be done here. People like you and me should work together.

 

6 - The Weary Traveler

Katrina’s house

Katrina - [hears knocking at her door] Who’s that?

Alan - It’s me.

Katrina - Who’s me?

Alan - Me, you daft gowk.

Katrina - [opens door] Alan.

 

[later, Alan reading newspaper while Katrina makes tea]

Katrina - Make yourself at home, why don’t you?

Alan - Doing my best. Got any hobnobs4?

Katrina - You really take the biscuit, you know that? What are you doing here?

Alan - Fact-finding mission. New policy document on agriculture, the plight of crofters and tenant farmers.

Katrina - So the party sends its spin doctor-in-chief and he just happens to come to my glen. Smells fishy to me.

Alan - Any chance of a bed for a weary traveler?

Katrina - I’ll get you a pillow for the sofa. [Alan’s grin fades]

 

Molly’s bedroom

Molly - Oh, Hector, what can I do for you?

Hector - Who were you gallivanting with this afternoon?

Molly - Just a friend.

Hector - We don’t have any friends who own off-white Rolls Royce.

Molly - We don’t, but I do.

Hector - Who is he?

Molly - His name is Geordie. He’s my bookie.

Hector - Your what?

Molly - My turf accountant.

Hector - Good God. What do you get up to together?

Molly - Well, what do you think?

Hector - You are shameless. I don’t know what to say to you.

Molly - Tell me I’m a jezebel. I’ve always wanted to be called that. [laughs]

Hector - This must cease with immediate effect. Do you understand?

Molly - Oh, don’t be so stuffy, Hector. We’re just good friends. [Hector turns to leave] Aren’t you staying?

Hector - I’m going to my room . . . to consider my position. [leaves, trips over bathroom sink left in hallway by MacSweens] Aah!

Molly - Are you all right?

Hector - Blasted builders!

[Molly chuckles, Hector slams his bedroom door shut]

 

Lake shore

Hector - [throws stick into water, then looks at his terriers] I’m so sorry. Perhaps you’d prefer it if I retrieved your stick? Sometimes I wonder what the point of you two is. [sighs]

 

Hallway

Lachie - [staring at door] Can’t see it. Can you?

Lewis - [staring at door on opposite side] Just wood.

Lachie - I’ve decided. This was a tick. Cross was down there. [enters Jamie’s room] Well, let’s get to work. [they start moving furniture around]

 

Katrina’s house

Alan - Hey, teach. Off to indoctrinate young minds, are you?

Katrina - Ha, you should have your own show. Anyway, it’s Saturday, you whose finger’s on the nation’s pulse.

Alan - Can I buy you dinner tonight, for old times’ sake?

Katrina - Which old times would they be? The time I found you in bed with somebody else?

Alan - Come on, where did you sleep last night, the knife drawer? Life’s too short for this.

Katrina - I’m out tonight. I do have a social life.

Alan - Where are you going?

Katrina - If you must know, I’m going to a ball at Glenbogle House.

Alan - A ball?! My, my. Aren’t you the social climber? [Katrina leaves, slamming door]

 

Molly’s bedroom

Justine - [holding up various dresses] Molly, these are beautiful.

Molly - I stopped buying clothes years ago, when the money ran out. I don’t even buy knickers any more.

Justine - Really? So . . . ?

Molly - I just don’t bother wearing them.

Justine - [laughs] Molly.

Molly - It’s wonderful. I do recommend it. It’s rather a splendid thing, making sensual discoveries at my time of life.

Justine - Oh, this is exquisite.

Molly - Mind you, I don’t think Hector’s noticed. [points at dress] Givenchy, 1959.

Justine - Oh, this is sweet, too.

Molly - Dior, 1963. Oh, and I had this made for Jamie’s christening. I can still get into it, you know.

Justine - Molly, you are a marvel.

Molly - No, I’m not. Oh, you are sweet.

Justine - I’d like to see some photos of Jamie and Archie when they were little.

Molly - So would I. We have some of Archie, but the best ones of Jamie disappeared years ago.

Justine - No.

Molly - Such a pity. They just sort of got lost. So, which one is it to be?

 

Road

Alan - [stops his car to let sheep by, greets the shepherd] Morning. Taking the beasts to market?

Shepherd - Taking them walkies, you mean. Different pasture every day. It’s not good for them, you know. I’m trying to fatten them up, not put ‘em through a Jane Fonda exercise course.

Alan - Have you got a problem?

Shepherd - Landlord-type problem. Toffee-nosed git called Kilwillie.

Alan - You’re a shepherd . . . from Liverpool?

Shepherd - Birkenhead. Something wrong with that?

Alan - Not at all. I embrace the vision of the new Scotland being a healthy, multicultural and . . . truly modern society. So, what’s this about your landlord?

 

7 - Jamie’s Things

Estate Office

Katrina - [on the phone] No, nothing fancy. Just all the regular numbers. [hears footsteps] Okay, great. Thanks a lot. Bye. [hangs up]

Justine - [enters] Katrina, how are you getting on? Managed to sort out the band yet?

Katrina - It wasn’t easy, but I managed it in the end. I’m just doing the accounts now.

Justine - So kind of you to help Archie out until he gets some professional help.

 

Jamie’s bedroom

Hector - What -- what the hell are you doing?! This room must never be touched!

Lewis - Mr. Hector . . .

Archie - What’s happening?

Molly - The boys, they’ve done the wrong room.

Lewis - The cross had gone.

Archie - What?

Lachie - Ticks and crosses, all gone.

Hector - You clowns! Our son’s room!

Molly - Come on, Hector.

Archie - I want this room put back exactly as you found it.

Hector - You were supposed to be in charge. “I’ll supervise it all,” you said. The old story. Why is it you always let me down?

Molly - Come on, Hector, come away.

Lewis - We found something. The skirting by the fireplace was loose. [hands black box to Archie] Someone must have hid it years back.

Archie - [reading lid] “J.M.” It must have been Jamie.

 

Downstairs foyer

Golly - What is it?

Hector - They found this in Jamie’s room.

Justine - Archie? [door closes, shutting her out]

Golly - Eh . . . come with me, lass. There’s something you should know.

 

Library

Molly - All his old things. School reports.

 

Lake shore

Golly - Jamie was the older of the two boys. Good at everything he touched. He could shoot better than me, fish better than his father. Wasn’t short of brains neither. The golden boy. It wasn’t easy for Archie to live up to him, especially when he knew how much . . . Hector doted on Jamie. But . . . Archie didn’t resent him. He couldn’t.

Justine - What happened?

Golly - Ah, well . . . one summer, Archie was 14, Jamie 18, about to go to Oxford, and they came out here one day in Hector’s old dinghy. Calm as a millpond. Then Archie started acting the goat, leaping up and down in the prow. The top and the bottom was he capsized the thing. So in they went, which was not a problem as they could both . . . swim like fishes. But . . . they had a dog with them, Hector’s old Labrador, and she -- she panicked and went under. Now Jamie took a mouthful of air and swam after her, just as Archie was climbing on to the boat. And . . .

Justine - He never came back up?

Golly - Yeah. The police divers found him six hours later, caught up in the weeds by that inlet there. You know something? It was the day of the Glenbogle ball. I had to stand out front, receive all these folk in their finery -- explain what had happened over and over again. Molly cried for a year. Hector never shed a tear, so she said. As for Archie and his father, well . . . how could things ever be the same again?

 

Library

Hector - [watching an old home movie from Jamie’s box as Archie enters] I’m, uh, glad we found these old things. It’s good to have them. [leaves]

Molly - [comes to doorway] Dear boy. [hugs Archie]

Archie - When will I be free of it, mother?

Molly - Archie, get on with your life. Take your girl to the ball. Be happy.

 

Downstairs foyer

Lachie - Come on, Lewis. Come on. [they go downstairs]

Molly - [hands them a bottle of whisky] Here, boys. It wasn’t your fault.

Lachie - Thanks, ma’am. [they go back upstairs]

 

8 - Trying to Evolve

Driveway

Katrina - Archie, I . . .

Archie - Come on, I’ll give you a lift.

 

Outside Katrina’s house

Katrina - What can I say to you, Archie? Only that I’m sorry.

Archie - My mother says “Get on with your life, Archie,” but sometimes . . . I don’t know what my life is, you know?

Katrina - Well, it’s not just you wondering that.

Archie - I know. I’m so privileged, but--- [sighs] Thanks, Katrina. Listen, I’d better go. The ball.

 

Katrina’s house

Alan - [as Katrina enters] So, that’s the Laird of Glenbogle. The dashing young dinosaur.

Katrina - At least he’s trying to evolve, unlike some.

 

9 - The Glenbogle Ball

Downstairs foyer

Hector - [listening to the band play] Those chaps all right? They seem to be murdering a perfectly good tune.

Molly - [as Justine comes down the staircase] Oh, lovely, my dear, you look lovely.

Archie - [runs past] Back in a minute.

Justine - [as Archie runs up the stairs] Back in a kilt, I hope?

Golly - [announcing arriving guests] Mr. and Mrs. David Muir.

Hector - First guests, get in line.

 

Kitchen

Lexie - [as Duncan enters] Oh, my boy. Check him out. Straight off a shortbread tin. [leans over and sniffs him]

Duncan - What are you doing?

Lexie - Well done. Almost got rid of the stench of deer guts.

 

Downstairs foyer

[Archie appears at top of stairs, dressed for the ball. Justine, downstairs among the guests, sees him and waves. He returns the wave, but doesn’t join her. Meanwhile, Hector and Molly continue to greet arriving guests.]

Flora - [to Molly] You’re such bricks.

Kilwillie - Now, um, this is, er, Mister -- uh, these are two gentlemen from Fujiyama.

Molly and Hector - Ah.

Kilwillie - And, er, they’re both very anxious to know what a Caledonian ball is really like.

Hector - Ah.

Flora - [spies Archie coming downstairs] Oooh! Archie! [waves furiously and runs over to hug him.]

 

Lexie - [to Justine] Kilwillie’s daughter, Flora. The two old fellas always dreamed about it -- uniting two ancient bloodlines. . . with Laurel and Hardy there.

 

Golly - [still announcing guests] Mr. Geordie McCann.

Geordie - Ah, you’ll be the husband, then.

Hector - Allegedly.

Geordie - Well, Duchess, may I have the pleasure? [leads Molly to the dance floor]

Hector - Don’t worry about me. I’m only a cripple anyway. Kilwillie, I need the stiffest drink this side of the arctic.

 

Lexie - [pulling Duncan away from the buffet table] Come on, Ginger Rogers5. Strut your stuff.

 

Upstairs bathroom

Lewis - Our father would choke in his grave if he could see us now. . . in a house of dissolution. Among devil’s cavortings and godless Sassenachs.

Lachie - Lewis, you’re my brother and my partner, but you’re a pure blind bigot. Here, give us another dram. [Lewis rolls bottle of whisky to him.]

 

Downstairs foyer

Golly - [as Katrina enters] Hello, lass.

Katrina - Hi.

Golly - You look the part.

Katrina - I don’t feel it. [moves into the room]

Golly - [announcing] Miss Katrina Finlay.

Justine - Katrina.

Katrina - Everything okay?

Justine - What a sweet little dress. Does wonders for you. Just goes to show what a bit of color will do.

Katrina - Thank you, Justine. I suppose you’d know all about that with your complexion.

 

Field behind Katrina’s House

Alan - Right, boys. Ready for a spot of direct action?

Shepherd - What, like chinning the little git?

Alan - Oh, that’s too easy. The way to get at folk, like this Kilwillie, is to embarrass him in front of his social peers. So, I see . . . you brought the, er-- [sheep start baaing]

 

Upstairs bathroom

Lachie - [drunk] Can you not hear other pipes? Far away? Like the ghosts of a battle . . . fought and lost, long ago. [no response from Lewis] Ah, you’ve no poetry in you.

Lewis - Lachie, you’re my brother and my partner, but I hate your guts.

 

10 - The Chicken Legs Department

Library

Hector - [drinking alone in a corner] Ah. [sees Justine enter] Oh, hello.

Justine - Could I have one of those? [Hector hesitates] You disapprove of women drinking whiskey?

Hector - Only if they don’t really like it and are just trying to make a point. Then it’s a sad waste. [pours her a glass, which she downs] Ah, not apparently on this occasion.

Justine - You disapprove of me though, don’t you, Hector? Just for the record -- I approve of you. You say what you think. And . . . I’m sorry about Jamie.

Hector - Why should you be sorry? You never knew him.

Justine - No, but . . . his death still hurts someone I care about, so I’m sorry. And I understand a little. I once lost a child. A miscarriage, years ago. Even Archie doesn’t know. The world is never the same again, is it?

Hector - No. So . . . you want to marry my son, do you?

Justine - I don’t give a damn about marrying him. I’d like to go on living with him. I’d like to have children with him.

Hector - Would you now?

Justine - If that’s what he wants. I’m not sure that he does.

Hector - Ah. Justine, you know, you’re not actually such a bad chap.

Kilwillie - [poking his head into the library] There you are, child. Will you . . . come and have a canter with me? [they leave]

 

Driveway

Alan - [as Shepherd herds his sheep up the drive] Archie MacDonald. A dinosaur about to become extinct.

 

Library

Archie - [enters] Oh, there you are.

Hector - Aye. If you’re looking for Justine, she’s having her feet flattened by Kilwillie.

Archie - I know.

Hector - Everything all right between you two?

Archie - I don’t know.

Hector - Hmm. Your mother still dancing with that bookie fella?

Archie - Yes. Everything all right between you two?

Hector - I don’t know. Have a drink. [pours a glass] Women, eh?

Archie - Indeed.

Hector - Well, I’m glad we agree about something.

 

Downstairs foyer

Flora - [to Archie] Where have you been? Come on.

Archie - No, Flora, I can’t. Thank you. [to Katrina] You all right? [she nods] They seem to be playing our song.

Katrina - Thursday afternoons. Miss MacPherson. Smelly socks and overcooked cabbage.

Archie - I used to hate that lesson. Scottish country dancing.

Katrina - You never had the right partner. Maureen MacLeod always nabbed you. [Archie takes her hand and leads her to the dance floor]

 

Kilwillie - [to Hector] It’s a fine ball, old man. Are you all right?

Hector - Every man has his breaking point, Kilwillie.

 

[couples are dancing together - Archie and Katrina, Molly and Geordie, Lexie and Duncan, Kilwillie and his daughter Flora. Hector is watching Molly, and Justine is watching Archie and Katrina.]

 

Upstairs bathroom

Lachie - [drunk] Right. You want plumbing? You’ll get bloody plumbing. [takes large wrench and opens water pipe valve in floor. Water sprays upwards in a fountain.]

Lewis - [sitting in the tub] The windows of heaven were opened . . . and there was rain upon the earth. [Lachie laughs]

 

Downstairs foyer

Katrina - [as song ends] Thanks for that, Archie.

 

Lexie - [to Justine] In the olden days, chiefs like Archie could do what they want with their kinsmen’s women. Sowed more seeds than a Massey Ferguson6. No wonder we kept losing to the English. [laughs as Duncan twirls her around] Ooh, Duncan! Ha, ha.

 

Archie - [to Katrina] So who is this Alan chap?

Justine - Listen, Katrina, perhaps you’d like to take a look at the buffet, make sure they don’t run out of chicken legs?

Katrina - Listen, Justine, I think maybe you’re the expert in the chicken legs department.

Archie - Come on, girls, let’s just be friends.

Justine - Keep out of this!

Katrina - [at the same time] Shut up!

 

Molly - [to Geordie] Wonderful. Now I must go and find Hector.

Geordie - I thought your first duty was to your guests?

Molly - You’re a lovely man, Geordie, and an even lovelier bookie. But Hector, you see, he’s my husband.

Geordie - Ach, you’re wasted on him.

Hector - [interrupting] Unhand my wife, sir!

Molly - Hector, don’t be so stupid.

Hector - I demand you stop this malarkey right now.

Geordie - Don’t be daft, old timer.

Hector - You, sir, are an appalling little oik! [takes a swing at Geordie]

Molly - Hector!

[Hector grabs a ceremonial sword from the wall and attacks Geordie, who grabs the accompanying shield to defend himself.]

Archie - Father.

 

[Bleating sheep suddenly run in through the front door, startling the guests. As chaos ensues, the band switches from traditional Scottish music to a rock version. Following behind the sheep is Alan]

Alan - [into a bullhorn] Lord Kilwillie, while you’re here enjoying yourself, you tenants and their stock are suffering. You’re a parasite and a leech, and decent folk want you out.

Shepherd - Out, out.

Alan - [chanting with Shepherd] Out, out.

Archie - [to Alan] Just get out! Get out!

Alan - [to Archie, through bullhorn] Baa.

 

[suddenly one corner of the ceiling bursts, pouring water down on the guests standing there.]

Lexie - [to Duncan] No, right, come on, over here. [drags him under the leaking ceiling and kisses him.]

Duncan - Whoa . . . Lexie! [Lexie laughs hysterically. Duncan responds with sarcasm.] Ha. Ha.

Kilwillie - [to Hector] Wild party, old man.

 

Outside Katrina’s house, dawn

Alan - [jogging after Katrina toward her house] Katrina . . . Katrina . . . Katrina, come on.

 

Downstairs foyer

Molly - [on her way upstairs] Good night, Justine. I hope you enjoyed our little entertainment.

Hector - Good night, Jamie. [awkward pause]

Archie - [stands up] Father, I’m not Jamie. I never was. I never will be. I’m me. My name is Archie, okay?

Hector - Your . . . rebuke . . . is merited. I apologize to you. I’ll say good night. Sleep well, Justine. [goes upstairs]

Justine - I’m leaving in the morning. Are you coming?

Archie - Justine, I can’t. You know I can’t. The building work, the house, everything.

Justine - It’s not that. You know, I know. There are things to be settled. But they’re all in here. [rests her finger on his forehead] I’m right, aren’t I? [Archie nods] Okay. So, I’ll wait for you.

Archie - Thanks.

Justine - But not forever. I love you, Archie, but I won’t wait forever. And stay away from Katrina or I’ll kill you. [they shear a smile and a kiss and Justine goes upstairs.]

 

11 - Reconciliation

Hector’s bedroom

Hector - I don’t want you to see that bookie fella again, do you hear me?

Molly - Don’t be absurd, Hector. He’s my friend.

Hector - I forbid it.

Molly - Well, I shall just have to defy you then.

Hector - Oh, Molly. After all we’ve been through together. I care for you!

Molly - You care more for your terriers than you do for me.

Hector - I need you. I love you.

Molly - Well, if you do, perhaps the lesson of tonight’s horribly embarrassing, but in its way, rather wonderful scene, is that you need to show it rather more. I’ll say good night.

Hector - Won’t you stay a little? You looked so wonderful in that frock tonight. Is it new?

Molly - It was . . . a quarter of a century ago.

 

Hallway

[Archie hears noises from Hector’s bedroom]

Hector - Darling. [kissing noises, laughter]

Molly - Take that wicked smile off your face.

Hector - No, I won’t. [more laughter]

[Archie picks up piece of chalk, put check mark on the bedroom door, leaves]

 

End of Episode 3, Series 1

 

1. Julie Andrews and the Von Trapp family - reference to “Sound of Music” Back to transcript

2. Damon Hill - 1996 Formula One World Champion Back to transcript

3. Jimmy Shand - famous Scottish musician, button accordion player Back to transcript

4. hobnobs - McVities HobNobs; Nobbly Oaty biscuits made from rolled oats, wholemeal, sugar & vegetable oil. Back to transcript

5. Ginger Rogers - dance partner of Fred Astaire Back to transcript

6. Massey Ferguson - lawn, tractor, and farm equipment company Back to transcript

BACK to Transcripts Page

| Home |
| Personal | Tess | TV Shows | Lord of the Rings | Pern |
| Actors | Buffy | Highlander | Transcripts | Fanfiction Links |

Check out my Sitemap  for more 'updates' info. Last updated: June 29, 2005