Monarch of the Glen

Episode Transcripts


Series 1, Episode 4

Based on the novels by Compton MacKenzie

Produced by Nick Pitt
Directed by Edward Bennett
Written by Niall Leonard

For BBC Scotland
Airdate: March 19, 2000


Zzickle's Notes:

I don't own Monarch of the Glen - The contents of this transcript are taken directly from the episode (with help of closed captions), to the best of my ability.

These transcripts were made because 1. My dad has trouble understanding some of the very Scottish accents (and colloquialisms), 2. The DVDs have closed captions, not subtitles, which can only be viewed on our computer, not with any TV DVD players, and 3. Even on the computer, the captions are very hard to read because of the way that they overlap on top of each other.

If you want to post this transcript on your site, please let me know where it is going so I can visit it. Also, please post it with my name (Zzickle) and website ( on it.

You are more than welcome to use these transcripts in your fanfiction stories, no notification required.

Cast List:

Archie MacDonald - Alastair Mackenzie
              Laird of Glenbogle

Hector MacDonald - Richard Briers
              Archie's father

Molly MacDonald - Susan Hampshire
              Archie's mother

Golly Mackenzie - Alexander Morton
              Estate groundskeeper

Lexie MacDonald - Dawn Steele
              Estate housekeeper

Duncan McKay - Hamish Clark
              Estate handyman

Katrina Finlay - Loraine Pilkington
              head school teacher

Alan Smythe - Paul Goodwin
              Katrinaís ex-boyfriend

Harold Xavier - David Ashton
              a genealogist

Johnston - Robert Carr
Pearce - Jon Morrison

Mechanic - Paul Samson


1 - Glenbogle Bed & Breakfast


Archie - [painting Bed & Breakfast sign by drive] Hello?

Xavier - [walking down the drive] What? Oh. Sorry, I -- I was, uh, just driving down. I stopped to admire the view.

Archie - Ah, so you must have seen the sign on the main road?

Xavier - Sign?

Archie - [points at sign that reads: GLENBOGLE HOUSE / BED & BREAKFAST / en-suite facilities] Glenbogle bed and breakfast.

Xavier - Bed and breakfast? Times have changed round here.

Archie - Youíll be our first guest. If youíre looking for a room, that is.

Xavier - Yes, yes, I am. Uh, Harold Xavier.

Archie - Archie MacDonald. [they shake hands]

Xavier - Archie.

Archie - I run the place, and if thereís anything you need during your stay, just ask.



Archie - Iíve put him in the front room. Itís a bit drafty, but at least the ceilingís not falling in. Is that dish hot?

Lexie - Itís warm.

Archie - Lexie, weíre trying to run a kitchen here, not a burger van.

Lexie - Here.

Archie - Theyíre al dente, yeah?

Lexie - Oh, yes, I boiled them for 40 minutes exactly.

Archie - You what? Lexie--

Lexie - Shut up and take it in.

Archie - Right. Right.


2 - Main Titles

[opening credits]


3 - Informal

Dining room

Archie - Here we are. [starts dishing food from platter onto Xavierís plate] So, are you up here on business or, uh--

Xavier - Research. This looks splendid.

Archie - Everything okay with your room? I hope the mattress isnít too lumpy.

Xavier - No, no, everythingís fine, thank you. I couldnít open one of the windows, but, uh . . .

Archie - Really? Oh, Iím so sorry. Iíll see to it right away.

Xavier - No, itís no bother.

Archie - Duncan! [Duncan jogs in] The window in Mr. Xavierís room is jammed. See to it, please.

Duncan - Aye, right. Of course.

Xavier - I donít want to put you to any trouble.

Archie - Please, itís no trouble. You must treat this place as your home. We try to keep things informal around here.

Xavier - Thank you, thank you.

Hector - [walks in with a bath towel around his waist] Where in heavenís name did that woman put my dressing gown?

Archie - Father!

Hector - What is this female obsession for constant cleaning? [sees Xavier] Ah, hello there.

Archie - You canít walk around like this.

Hector - Like what?

Archie - Wearing a tatty old towel.

Hector - What? Oh. I do beg your pardon. [unwraps towel, hands it to Archie] That looks good. Trout, isnít it? [Xavier nods] Excellent. Well, Iíll go and put some clothes on then. [leaves]

Xavier - I, uh . . . I see what you mean about informal.


Xavierís bedroom

[Duncan finishes fixing window, knocks papers off desk as he is leaving. He picks them up and the title of one catches his attention: The Legacy of Ballantine. He unfolds it and starts reading.]



Molly - Stark naked?

Archie - Apart from a sprinkling of dandruff, yes. [Molly laughs] Itís not funny, mother.

Molly - Well, maybe if youíd just given him some notice.

Archie - Who knows what he could have managed? I know he dislikes this bed and breakfast thing, but he doesnít have to streak through the dining room. [hears Hector laughing]

Hector - [off screen] Oh, MacPherson, our so-called butler, decamped in í73. Wouldnít have minded, but he ran off with all the cutlery. We were eating with our fingers for weeks.

Xavier - And what about your housekeeper, Miriam?

[Molly and Archie peek in through library door, interrupting them]

Hector - Molly, you remember Harold.

Molly - Mr. Xavier. I thought youíd gone to America.

Xavier - Oh, just a flying visit. Twenty-five years or so. You havenít aged a day, Mrs. MacDonald.

Molly - Oh.

Hector - Didnít recognize him earlier. Had a beard in those days.

Xavier - Yeah, and you wore more clothes. And young Archie has certainly changed.

Molly - Mr. Xavier came here years ago to study the estate records. Heís a genealogist.

Hector - Watch this, watch this. Farquharson.

Xavier - Farquharson. Farquharson of Invercald: Finlay Mor, standard bearer, fell at the Battle of Pinkie, 1547. Francis, the ďBaron Ban,Ē led the clan at Culloden, 1746. On the death of his grandson, James Farquharson, the title passed to his daughter Catherine, who married James Ross of Balnagowan, 1820.

Hector - [laughs] Isnít that amazing? Keep him topped up with malt, heíll carry on indefinitely. So, what brings you back to Glenbogle?

Xavier - Iíve been asked to . . . trace the descendants of a particular clan. I was hoping to have a look at some records, if thatís convenient.

Hector - ĎCourse itís convenient.

Archie - Theyíre conveniently in the attic.

Hector - Weíll get them down for you. Not busy, are you, Archie?



Archie - Doesnít genealogical research include doing your own excavations?

Hector - Nonsense. Weíre running a guesthouse, Archie. Canít have the guests doing their backs in. [looking at old book] Marvelous. Marvelous. Records for every local family since 1770.

Archie - Who was Miriam MacKinnon?

Hector - Miriam? Our housekeeper, twenty years ago. Best one we ever had.

Archie - This case has got her name on it. Shouldnít we send it on to her?

Hector - Tricky. She passed away a few years ago. Perhaps you should give it to her daughter.

Archie - And whoís her daughter?

Hector - Oh, whatís her name? Firebrand, lives up in the hills.

Archie - Katrina?


4 - The Two Crofters

Katrinaís house

Katrina - Wonít party headquarters be sending out a search team for you soon?

Alan - I thought I might write my report up here.

Katrina - Did you?

Alan - Katrina, I know youíre cheesed off about the ball.

Katrina - Because you drove a flock of sheep through the dance floor? Why would that bother me?

Alan - If it got you into trouble with the Laird, Iím sorry. I really didnít mean to mess up your life.

Katrina - You never do, and you always have.

Alan - I miss you. I miss the scent of you. I just canít bear the thought of you up here on your own.

Katrina - Why, because without a man my life has no purpose?

Alan - Oh, not just any man.

Katrina - Iíd better be getting back. The kidsíll think Iíve bunked off for the afternoon.

Alan - Iíll run you down there.

Katrina - Iím fine. If you get bored, thereís the washing up.



Duncan - Thereís more to your man than meets the eye.

Lexie - Wish I could say the same for you.

Duncan - Thatís no way to speak to a duke, Lexie.

Lexie - Have you been out in the sun again, pet?

Duncan - That man Xavier, heís looking for an heir to the Ballantine Estate. I saw his papers upstairs.

Archie - [coming in] And you just accidentally happened to read them? I asked you to fix his window, Duncan, not turn his room over.

Duncan - I couldnít help it. I saw the name. Ballantine. Thatís my grannyís name.

Archie - Oh, so that makes you Duke of the Highlands, I suppose?

Duncan - Maybe. Eventually.

Archie - Well, before you head off to the palace, could I have the keys to the Land Rover, please?

Lexie - Oh, theyíre in his other cloak. The one with the ermine collar.

Duncan - She needs new plugs, but you should be okay. [hands over the keys]

Archie - Cheers.

Lexie - I suppose from now on youíll be traveling in a sedan chair, borne by comely and compliant maidens.

Duncan - You volunteering?

Lexie - You need to lose some weight first. Starting off with that fat head. [laughs]

Duncan - Oh, go ahead, mock.

Lexie - Donít worry, I will. [leaves]



Pearce - Listen, Iíve got every right to them kids!

Johnston - Youíve no right to this at all!

Pearce - Of course I have!

Johnston - What do you mean ďyouĒ?

Pearce - Youíre a scabby old swindler!

Johnston - Youíre the thief, ripping off my ideas!

Golly - Archie. Mr. Pearce, Mr. Johnston.

Johnston - Weíre here to see Hector.

Archie - Iím in charge now. Whatís the problem?

Johnston - His goat raped my stock--

Pearce - Heís trying to cheat me out of my kids!

Johnston - Even better.

Archie - One at a time.

Johnston - I keep goats. Thereís no money in mutton or wool these days. So my idea was to try goatsí milk.

Pearce - Your idea?!

Johnston - Aye, and you ripped it off!

Archie - Gentlemen.

Johnston - So, Mr. Original here buys hisself a billy. And last autumn he lets it loose in my field.

Pearce - It escaped!

Johnston - Covered six of my ewes. And now he wants the kids.

Archie - So his goat ran off and sired six kids in your flock?

Pearce - Aye, and half of them are mine.

Johnston - Over my dead body!

Pearce - Suits me!

Archie - This is ludicrous. Just take it to court.

Pearce - To court? Aye and get fleeced by a bunch of lawyers? I donít think so.

Johnston - Weíre here for the judgment of the Laird. Itís our ancient right.

Archie - I may be the laird, but I know nothing about goat farming, and I donít intend to learn. Now, please, just take this dispute somewhere else.

Pearce - Somewhere else? [they walk off]

Archie - [to Golly] Well, what was I supposed to do?

Golly - Who knows? Those two have always fought like rats in a sack.

Archie - You think Iím shirking my responsibilities.

Golly - You wonít get rid of them that easily.



[Duncan enters, peers over Xavierís shoulder]

Xavier - Iím sorry, youíre in my light.

Duncan - Oh, right. Beg pardon.

Xavier - Can I help you with something?

Duncan - Itís just that . . . my nameís Ballantine. My grannyís is, I mean. Was.

Xavier - Really?

Duncan - Jenny Ballantine. She wonít be in that book.

Xavier - And why should that be of any significance?

Duncan - Well, I glimpsed your papers upstairs, a-about the legacy.

Xavier - My research is supposed to be confidential.

Duncan - Oh, no, thereís no need to worry about that. My lips are sealed. Itís just that . . . I thought I could save you some trouble. I could get her birth certificate, my granís.

Xavier - By itself, that wouldnít prove anything.

Duncan - No, honest, she was definitely my granny.

Xavier - No, no. Itís just that with a bequest of this nature, I would have to correlate it with other records.

Duncan - Ah, I see. Right. Uh . . . What sort of bequest is it, exactly?

Xavier - Where was she from? Your granny?

Duncan - Paisley. Inverness, originally.

Xavier - [writing] Go on.


5 - Katrinaís Secret

Katrinaís house

Archie - [knocks on front door, which opens] Hi. [sees Adam] Oh. I was looking for Katrina.

Alan - Sheís still at work. [sees suitcase in Archieís hand] Were you planning to move in?

Archie - Itís for her, actually.

Alan - You can leave it with me.

Archie - Iíd rather give it to her myself if you donít mind.

Alan - Then youíd better come in.

Archie - I thought youíd gone back to Edinburgh.

Alan - I meant to, but the poor girlís desperate for intelligent company.

Archie - Yeah, she must be. It must be pretty cramped in here with the two of you.

Alan - It is pretty cozy, yes. But weíre used to it. Canít all live in a twenty bedroom mansion.

Archie - Oh, theyíre a bit overrated.

Alan - Yes, I know. Lugging your own suitcase? Well, I suppose you canít get the staff these days.

Archie - I just flogged my valet and canít do a thing with him.

Katrina - [enters] Hello.

Archie - Hi.

Alan - Hello, love.

Katrina - Whoís going to put the kettle on?

Alan - I will. I doubt the Laird knows his way around a kitchen.

Archie - We found this in the attic. [holds up suitcase] I think it belonged to your mother.

Katrina - [examines tag] Thatís her handwriting.

Archie - I donít know how it ended up in Glenbogle.

Alan - Itíll have to be mugs, Iím afraid. Weíre out of Wedgwood1.

Archie - Not for me, thanks, Iím not stopping.

Alan - Fine. Itís more for us.

Katrina - Archie, donít mind him.

Archie - Whatís to mind? See ya. [leaves]

Alan - Does the Laird disapprove of cohabitation?

Katrina - Who said anything about cohabitation?

Alan - Well, he mightíve jumped to the wrong conclusions.

Katrina - Did he jump, or was he pushed?


Gollyís house

Golly - Ach, yes, yes, his granny was a Ballantine all right. Her first husband was killed at Dunkirk, just a few weeks after the wedding. Married again in í42, Alex McKay was his name. A cousin of my fatherís actually.

Duncan - You mean weíre related?

Golly - Around here everyoneís related, son. But itís not something to boast about, if you know what I mean.

Xavier - This is splendid.

Golly - Anything else you need to know, just say the word.

Xavier - No, thank you. No, no, this is plenty to be going on with, but I think I need another look at the baptismal records. Anyway, thanks again. [leaves]

Duncan - I wonít forget this, when I come into my inheritance.

Golly - I think you need to wait to be crowned first before you start dispensing knighthoods, eh?


Katrinaís house

Alan - [looking at photo from suitcase] July 1972. They couldnít even have a picnic without staff waiting on them hand and foot. Was pretty, your mom. Whereís your father?

Katrina - My father didnít work on the estate. My mother married him after she left.

Alan - [looks in suitcase] She kept a diary.

Katrina - Alan, leave it, please.

Alan - What shabby little scandals went on below the stairs? [reads aloud] ďSaw H. today for the last time, up at the big house. Tried to tell him I was carrying his -- but Molly came in.Ē Good grief, Katrina.

Katrina - My mother had an affair while she was working at Glenbogle. She became pregnant with me and then left. And then she married my father. My dad.

Alan - ďH. at the big house,Ē Whoís H.?

Katrina - Who do you think?



Hector - Now, this is the interesting bit, you see? [rummages through large sheets of parchment spread on table] Now where did I put it?

Archie - I donít know how you find anything in this mess.

Hector - By using a cunning filing system of my own invention.

Archie - Donít tell me, itís all up here. [taps his forehead]

Hector - Ha, no, no. Nothing so old-fashioned, my boy. All filed in order of amount of dust gathered. Yes, this is it. This is what I wanted to show Xavier. The Glenbogle MacDonalds. Theyíre all here, from the infamous Red Fergus right down to the present day.

Katrina - Excuse me. I think there might be one name missing.


[short while later]

Hector - Remarkable. I had no idea your mother kept a journal.

Katrina - Well, it wasnít her writing skills that struck me.

Hector - I always wondered why she left so abruptly. I suppose that explains it.

Molly - Hector.

Hector - If youíll excuse me? [leaves]

Molly - Welcome. Welcome to the family, dear. We must all celebrate. Excuse me.

Archie - Mother, wait. Iím sure thereís an explanation.

Molly - Iím sure there is, but I donít think I want to hear it. [leaves]

Archie - [to Katrina] Look, Iím sorry.

Katrina - To have a black sheep in the family? Well, Hectorís the black sheep, not me.

Archie - Youíve got every right to be angry.

Katrina - I havenít even got to angry yet. Iím still in shock.

Archie - You realize what this means?

Katrina - Yeah. That my parents lied to me all my life.

Archie - Youíve got a brother.

Katrina - Great. Just what I needed.

Archie - And Iíve got another sister.

Katrina - And that bothers you, does it?

Archie - Yes -- well, no, I mean . . .

Katrina - It was bad enough being an orphan, but Iíd rather be an orphan than the daughter of a laird.


Gollyís House

Duncan - [scrubbing wooden posts of coops with broom] I shouldnít be doing this. A man of my position.

Golly - [spraying posts with disinfectant] Listen, son, Archieís the laird. He scrubs out the toilets.

Duncan - Aye, but Archieís skint.

Golly - Of course, I was forgetting, youíre heir to a fortune.

Duncan - So why do you think your manís being so secretive? Iíll have gold diggers and debutantes and all sorts chasing after me.

Golly - A terrifying prospect all right.

Duncan - Aye. The thing is, Iíd rather have a girl who loves me for myself.

Golly - Thereís a big lunatic asylum just outside Fort William.

Duncan - I was thinking of somewhere closer to home.

Golly - Like the big house, you mean?

Duncan - Only Iím a bit skint -- pending the settlement.

Golly - Duncan. A man in possession of a fortune, must be in want of a wife. [fishes bill from wallet, hands it to Duncan]

Duncan - Thanks -- youíll get it back.

Golly - First rule of nobility: never pay your debts.


Katrinaís house

Alan - Look on the bright side -- at least you didnít inherit their looks.

Katrina - Do you think this is funny?

Alan - Of course not. Iím just trying to cheer you up.

Katrina - I think maybe you should go back to Edinburgh.

Alan - You need a friend right now.

Katrina - Aye, I do.

Alan - Someone to give you objective advice.

Katrina - Well, what do you advise?

Alan - Look . . . youíre entitled to certain things. Public acknowledgement for one.

Katrina - Do you think I want everyone to know about this?

Alan - Correct me if Iím wrong, but wonít it be all over the village by now?

Katrina - Thatís it. Iím moving out.

Alan - Youíre not running away from this. Look, that family treated your mother like dirt. Nowís your chance to make them pay.


6 - Not Just an Appendage


Molly - A simple yes or no, Hector. Even you could manage that.

Hector - Good God, it was 25 years ago.

Molly - I know itís terribly vulgar of me to care if my husband sleeps with the staff, but for some absurd reason, I do. So, how many others were there? Or does a gentleman not like to boast?

Hector - Iím not having this discussion.

Molly - We are having this discussion.

Hector - There is nothing to discuss. What a man does or doesnít do in his own house is his own business. I mean, if you want to torture yourself, go ahead.

Molly - I have no intention of torturing myself. Thatís always been your job, and you excel at it. [leaves]


Downstairs foyer

[Molly storms past Archie as front door rings.]

Pearce - [as Archie opens the door] You see this? You see it? [points to rip in sleeve of jacket] Itís attempted murder.

Johnston - [shotgun in hand] Try it again and you can have the other barrel, you thieving beggar.

Archie - Enough. Thatís enough. I told you to take this somewhere else.

Pearce - You call that justice? You call yourself a laird? Ah, youíre no son of Hector MacDonald.

Archie - Right, thatís it. You want me to intervene, I will. Those goats are hereby wards of the Laird.

Johnston - What?

Archie - [points to Pearce] You donít try to seize them, [points to Johnston] and you donít try to dispose of them without reference to me. Satisfied?

Johnston - Well, how long does that go on for?

Archie - Until I say otherwise, or until you sort it out between yourselves. Goodbye.


Mollyís bedroom

Archie - [walks in to find Molly packing a suitcase] Where are you going?

Molly - Going to stay with friends in London.

Archie - Mother.

Molly - I am not just an appendage to your father.

Archie - I never thought you were.

Molly - Neither did I, till today.


Stair landing

[Duncan looks at old portraits on wall and tries to mimic their stances]

Archie - Do you realize thatís 300 years old?

Duncan - Oh, sorry, Archie, I was just--

Archie - Practicing, yeah. Youíll find it a bit different from modern nobility. Here. Chin down. Not so square in the shoulders. Frown. Yeah, thatís it. All you need now is the chronic overdraft, the divorced parents, and youíre there.


Downstairs foyer

Hector - I suppose itís your friend Geordie?

Molly - I beg your pardon?

Hector - That youíre running off to.

Molly - Youíve got a bloody nerve, MacDonald.

Hector - This business was so long ago.

Molly - We are not discussing vintage port. Lies donít improve with age.

Hector - Iíve never lied to you. Damn it, Iím not that womanís father. Iíve no idea what those journals were referring to. MacKinnon was probably deranged.

Molly - Thank you, Hector.

Hector - And now letís hope thatís the end of the matter. [Molly continues out the front door] But where are you going?

Molly - Too little, too late. [leaves]

Hector - Too . . . [follows] What more do you want from me? Stupid woman.


Stair landing

Xavier - Is everything all right?

Archie - [turns from watching through window as Molly drives off in taxi] Itís fine.

Xavier - I hope I havenít been the cause of any discord.

Archie - Oh, no, no, no. Please, itís nothing to do with you. Just a -- just a bit of local genealogy.

Xavier - Hmm. Well, itís not always a dry academic exercise . . . unfortunately.


7 - Gollyís Memories

Downstairs foyer, later

Alan - Itís good of you to see us at such short notice.

Archie - Katrina is a neighbor. Sheís always welcome.

Alan - Sheís a bit more than a neighbor now, isnít she?

Archie - Please, come through.


Dining room

Alan - Katrina has arranged to get a blood sample taken. She was hoping Hector might provide one as well.

Archie - Iím sorry, I really donít think that--

Alan - Itís as much for your benefit as ours.

Archie - ďOurs?Ē

Katrina - Iíd just like to know for sure, Archie.

Archie - So would I. But Iím not going to ask him right now. Heís too upset.

Alan - Well, Iím sorry to hear that, but his troubles are of his own making.

Archie - Alan, I know youíre trying to help, but itís not working.

Alan - We really donít want to go to court over this.

Archie - You are not getting a blood sample from my father, itís out of the question.

Alan - Fine.

Archie - Iíll give you one. If Iím Katrinaís brother, the tests should prove it.

Alan - They might. Iíll look into it.

Katrina - Alan, could you give us a minute?

Alan - I donít think you should--

Katrina - Thanks, Alan. [Alan leaves]

Archie - Well, I suppose if you want blood, you need a leech.

Katrina - Iím sorry, but heís got a point. We need to know.

Archie - Katrina, if you want to be part of this family, nobodyís gonna fight about it.

Katrina - Maybe Iíll see you at the doctorís, okay?


Library, some time later

Lexie - I thought youíd gone to the House of Lords.

Duncan - Been down at my folksí place looking for this. Grannyís birth certificate. Proving my claim to the title. All I need now is the coat of arms.

Lexie - And whatíll that be? Crossed wellies in a field of neeps?2

Duncan - You do realize youíll have to curtsy to me every morning?

Lexie - Says who?

Duncan - Itís etiquette. Could settle for a small bow, but youíd still have to call me ďsir.Ē

Lexie - In your dreams, boy.

Duncan - Of course, if we were man and wife, you could just call me Duncan.

Lexie - No, I think ďsirĒ has a nice ring to it.

Duncan - Iíve got something for you. [hands her a small box]

Lexie - Whatís this? The Ballantine family jewels? [opens box]

Duncan - Used to belong to a millionaire. Gerald Ratner.3

Lexie - Duncan.

Duncan - Will you be my Duchess, Lexie?

Lexie - Duncan, I canít.

Duncan - Why not?

Lexie - The thing is, um . . . well, you being a duke, and -- and me being a housekeeper -- well, it just wouldnít work. Look at Hector.

Duncan - But -- well, but youíd--

Lexie - [glances out window] Holy--! [sees herd of goats munching on the landscaping.]


Glenbogle Estate grounds

Lexie - [running outside] Archie!

Duncan - [chasing goats] Come here!

Archie - Oh, for heavenís sake.

Lexie - Shut the gate, Archie.

Archie - [runs around side of house to close gate, sees Johnston next to small trailer] What the hell are you doing dumping those animals here?

Johnston - Apparently theyíre the wards of the Laird. You call yourself the Laird. You can feed them.

Archie - Theyíre destroying our garden. Mr. Johnston!


Duncan - [trying to catch the goats] Lexie, this way.

Lexie - Duncan.

Duncan - Lexie, go! Over there!

[Golly walks up to goat, lunges and grabs it by a back leg.]

Golly - Come on, come on. Thatís it.


[Archie, chasing a goat, runs past Katrina, lunges and manages to grab the goat]

Katrina - Another normal day at Glenbogle then?

Archie - [climbing to his feet, holding the goat] Whereís your friend?

Katrina - Alan wouldnít be much help. Heís a bit scared of farm animals.

Archie - In that case, Iíll order some more. Are you here about the blood tests?

Katrina - Blood testsíll take weeks. I canít wait that long.


Duncan - [counting goats] One, two, three, four, five, [starts walking away]

Lexie - [holding string of goats] Duncan, where are you going?

Duncan - Hang on, hang on.

Lexie - Duncan? Ooh.



[Duncan enters, goat bleats]

Duncan - Oh, no! [picks up small piece of paper from floor - what remains of his grannyís birth certificate.]


Dining room

Katrina - Could you take a look at this? [hands picnic photo to Golly]

Golly - Ah, this takes me back. When was this? [turns photo over, back of photo reads: July 1972] í72.

Katrina - Where was it taken?

Golly - St. Michaelís Island. Itís an old chapel just outside Inverness. Didnít Miriam look good? She had an old friend they used to visit up there. Joan McBride was her name.

Katrina - And do you think she would know?

Golly - Could give her a ring.

Katrina - Thanks, Golly.

Golly - Youíre welcome, lass. [hands photo back] Good luck. [leaves]

Katrina - Any chance of a lift?

Archie - Hmm?

Katrina - Well, I canít do this by phone.


8 - Brother and Sister Things

Dirt road by mountains

Archie - Itís the isolation. Same with all these farmers up here. They wander the hills all day with no one to talk to but the animals, and every niggle gets blown up into some Sicilian vendetta they want me to sort out.

Katrina - Well, you volunteered to be Laird.

Archie - I didnít volunteer.

Katrina - Nobodyís making you stick at it.

Archie - I owe it to my family.

Katrina - Very selfless of you. I suppose you canít bear all those tenants doffing their caps.

Archie - I havenít noticed anyone doffing anything, actually. Anyway, you neednít look so smug. If youíre a MacDonald, youíll have to share the duties of the Laird.

Katrina - I donít want them.

Archie - Well, tell that to these guys.

Katrina - [as engine starts knocking and sputtering] Archie . . . why are you stopping?

Archie - Iím not stopping. The carís stopping. [tries to restart engine, fails. Sighs and gets out]

Katrina - [as Archie looks under hood] Well?

Archie - Well, this is definitely the engine.

Katrina - Donít you know anything about cars?

Archie - Almost as much as I do about goat breeding. [looks at watch] Itís only 8:00. Iíll head back to the nearest village.

Katrina - Thatís nearly ten miles. Forget it, Archie.


[later, in stalled rover]

Katrina - Did you bring your toothbrush?

Archie - Ah, someoneís bound to come along soon.

Katrina - Well, I hope so. Iíve got school on Monday.

Archie - Why donít you crash in the back? Duncanís got a mattress in there, in case he gets lucky at a rave.

Katrina - And what about you?

Archie - Iíll be all right.

Katrina - Donít be daft. Come on.



Lexie - Shall I bring up another crate?

Hector - [sets drink aside] What do women want from men, Lexie?

Lexie - Money, security, um, respect. A nice, tight bum. Oh, sorry, did you want those in order of preference?

Hector - Does fidelity appear on the list?

Lexie - Honestyís in there somewhere.

Hector - Mm. Youíve never been married, have you?

Lexie - You got well steamed when you thought Molly was fooling around with that bookie.

Hector - Oh, really, thereís no comparison. The manís an oik.

Lexie - And I suppose this housekeeper was a baroness on work experience?

Hector - I should have known better than to ask the cook.

Lexie - Aye. Well, hereís another tip from the kitchen: whatís sauce for the goose is sauce for the scrawny old gander.


Dirt road by mountains, dusk

Katrina - [lying with Archie in back of rover] Is it too late to do all those brother and sister things?

Archie - What, like camping out?

Katrina - And arguing.

Archie - And slagging each otherís friends off?

Katrina - Like who?

Archie - Like Alan. How did you end up with such a creep?

Katrina - Heís not that bad. And I havenít ended up with him.

Archie - Really? But I thought you were--

Katrina - What? Whatís it to you anyway?

Archie - Iím your brother, Iím supposed to look out for you.

Katrina - Thatíll be nice. Good night, broí.

Archie - Good night, sis.

Katrina - Oh, can you move your elbow?

Archie - Ow! Damn it. [they finally settle]


[next morning. Archie wakes to find Katrina up and a man working under the hood of the rover.]

Mechanic - Try now. [Katrina turns key and engine starts.] Okay. Thatís her. [to Archie] So when was the last time you changed those plugs?

Archie - Uh . . . never.

Mechanic - Iím not surprised she broke down. But then again . . . [nods toward Katrina] maybe you arenít either, eh?


9 - H

Lake shore near St. Michaelís Island

Archie - Did you find her?

Katrina - Joan McBride died two years ago.

Archie - Oh, Iím sorry. Looks like youíve had a wasted journey.

Katrina - It was the only photograph she kept. It must have meant a lot to her.

Archie - Come on.

Katrina - Where?

Archie - Over there. [points to island]

Katrina - You canít just take a boat.

Archie - [standing next to rowboat] Iím a laird. All my ancestors were pirates and thieves, apparently. Are you coming?

Katrina - Yeah, all right.


Rowing to island

Katrina - [indistinct conversation] Once youíve seen me, youíll understand Iím a better rower. [tries to take oars from Archie]

Archie - [coasting boat in among brush on island, sees second boat already there] It looks like weíre not alone.

Katrina - The island of lost souls.


St. Michaelís Island

Archie - [finds Xavier with camera and tripod among ruins] Mr. Xavier.

Xavier - Archie. Youíre a long way from home. [sees Katrina] Morning. Ah, oh, ah . . . crest of the McBrides. Youíll note the baton sinister. Fifth earl came from the wrong side of the blanket.

Archie - Is this something to do with Duncanís claim?

Xavier - No, no, no, thatís all sorted. No, this is more personal history. [looks at Katrina]

Archie - Oh, sorry, this is Katrina Finlay.

Xavier - Ah. [comes forward to shake her hand]

Archie - Mr. Xavierís a genealogist. Katrinaís doing some research of her own.

Xavier - Oh?

Katrina - Only we havenít got much to go on. Apart from . . . this photo. [pulls photo out of jacket pocket.

Xavier - Oh, may I?

Katrina - Thatís my mother. We think she had an affair with Hector MacDonald. We came here looking for proof, only thereís not much you can tell from a photo.

Xavier - On the contrary. You can tell a great deal. Youíre motherís not smiling at Hector. Sheís smiling at the man taking the picture. See? [hands photo back]

Archie - So who took the photo?

Xavier - I did. 27 years ago. Youíre . . . Miriamís daughter?

Katrina - I didnít catch your name?

Xavier - Harold Xavier. She used to call me ďH.Ē


[short time later]

Xavier - It started with a look, a touch, as we . . . passed in the hallway. It was intense. It -- it was extraordinary and . . . it was insane. It couldnít last. I -- I never dreamed that she was . . . [sighs] If it means anything, there hasnít been a day when Iíve not thought of her -- for what might have been. I -- I met your father once. He was a good man. Donít suppose youíd . . . need another? Itís just that Iíd . . . like to make amends.

Katrina - I donít need another father, no. But Iím a bit short of uncles.


10 - Relief

Dirt road through woods

Archie - [driving rover] You must be relieved.

Katrina - To find out that Iím a product of a passionate affair and not the Lairdís bastard offspring? What do you think?

Archie - I think itís great. Lifeís tangled enough.

Katrina - Without anyone threatening your inheritance, you mean?

Archie - Of course, youíre also relieved because now you can climb back on your pedestal.

Katrina - My pedestal?

Archie - And preach about how the land belongs to the people, and how Iím corrupt and elitist and exploitative.

Katrina - You left out arrogant and smug. Iím glad Iím not your sister.

Archie - Hear, hear, if it means we donít have to go camping together. [engine starts knocking again]

Katrina - Archie. [engine stalls and rover comes to a stop]

Archie - You can have the back this time.

Katrina - Donít be daft. Y-you have it. Iíll stay here.

Archie - [tries engine several times, finally gets it to start] What a relief.

Katrina - Yeah, certainly is.



Duncan - What am I gonna do?

Golly - Thereís only one thing you can do. Find out which goat it was, and follow it round with a shovel.

Duncan - Huh?

Golly - Or else you could just come clean.

Xavier - Good morning, gentlemen. Youíll be pleased to know that I have completed my research.

Duncan - I -- I can get another copy.

Xavier - Pardon?

Duncan - The birth certificate -- it got damaged. There was an incident with some livestock.

Golly - He means a goat ate it.

Xavier - Duncan, I donít need to see it. I have verified the claim.

Duncan - Yes! Do you hear that?

Xavier - And I am delighted to name you, Golly MacKenzie, as the rightful heir to the Ballantine legacy.

Duncan - Golly?

Xavier - Oh, you pointed out yourself, you are related. Heís the elder surviving male. The terms of the bequest state--

Duncan - To hell with the terms. Whereís the doc-- Whereís the proof?

Xavier - Thanks to the information you gave me, the bequest is no longer in doubt. [opens small box to reveal locket holding a curl of hair]

Golly - A lock of hair?

Xavier - From the head of Bonnie Prince Charlie.

Duncan - Thatís it? Thatís the legacy?

Xavier - Along with the honor of belonging to the Ballantine clan.

Duncan - Oh, big deal, pal.

Xavier - And of course, the money.

Duncan - Eh, money?

Xavier - Yes. The deed of 1804 allows for a grant of thirty pounds.

Duncan - And -- and how much would that be worth today?

Xavier - Exactly . . . thirty pounds. [hands Golly an envelope]

Golly - Thank you.

Xavier - Now, if youíll excuse me, gentlemen, I am having lunch with my niece. Good day.

Golly - Good day. [Xavier leaves] Here. [hands locket to Duncan] Seeing as how youíve pulled out most of your own.

Duncan - What about the m-- half of thatís mine.

Golly - Iíll take it out of what you owe me. Thereís no rush.

Duncan - Iím gonna have to tell Lexie that -- [smiles] Lexie -- Lexie! Iím not a duke! Lexie! [runs out]


Katrinaís house

Alan - Why didnít MacDonald just tell you? Why did he put you through all that anguish? Youíve got a case against him for mental cruelty, surely.

Katrina - I donít have a case. Iím not interested.

Alan - Archie put you up to this.

Katrina - Contrary to what you seem to believe, I do have a mind of my own.

Alan - Fine, fine. Itís just that--

Katrina - What?

Alan - Well, it was only a bit of groundwork, thatís all.

Katrina - What was? What have you done?

Alan - I spoke to McClintock.

Katrina - The journalist?!

Alan - It was deep background, off the record.

Katrina - You know what that means! It means my picture all over the Sunday tabloids: ďSpurned Love Child of Lusty Laird.Ē

Alan - Youíve got to admit it has a certain ring to it.

Katrina - [grabs cell phone form table] Phone him. Now! [throws phone at Alan]

Alan - Itís not too late to-- [Katrina storms out, Alan starts dialing] Gordon? Itís Alan. Alan Smythe. About that story . . . Yes. Great. Thereís just one minor detail. [Katrina returns with his bags and coat and pushes him out the door] It was a hoax. What can I tell you? I know. Iím disgusted. [Katrina throws the bag and coat in a pile at his feet and slams the door.]



Hector - [staring morosely into fireplace, feels hand on his shoulder] Molly.

Molly - What am I going to do with you?

Hector - Oh, I -- I know it was silly of me, but . . . I never thought a gentleman discussed that sort of thing.

Molly - Not even with his wife?

Hector - Especially with his wife. I was embarrassed, I suppose.

Molly - That you hadnít had an affair?

Hector - I mean, the Laird is supposed to -- itís part of his duties. Ordering the estate, administering justice, tupping the housemaids. Only I never felt inclined.

Molly - [laughs] Youíre just an old fraud.

Hector - Well, the thing is I -- Iíve never loved anyone but you. Itís pathetic, isnít it? Youíre, uh, supposed to kiss me at this point. [Molly kicks him in the shin] Aah! Are you deaf? I said kiss.

Molly - I heard what you said.

Hector - Ooh.


11 - The Judgement of Solomon

Glenbogle Estate grounds

Golly - [holding ropes tied to herd of goats] Theyíve had half the shrubs, all the roses and your dress shirt. Theyíre not goats, theyíre locusts.

Archie - What the hell am I supposed to do with them?

Golly - That will take the judgment of Solomon. Come on. [leads goats off]


Library, some time later

Archie - Thank you for coming, gentlemen. I wanted to--

Johnston - Itís well for you, laddie. Iíve got a farm to run.

Golly - You do not interrupt the Laird when heís speaking. [Pearce starts to sit] Mr. Pearce . . . you were not asked to sit.

Pearce - [stands back up] Hold on a wee minute--

Golly - Hats off in the Lairdís presence. [Johnston removes his cap]

Archie - As you know, I wanted you to take this to a proper court, but it seems youíve given me no choice. So with the greatest reluctance, Iíve decided to take matters into my own hands. According to ancient Highland law, any livestock that despoils my garden becomes my property . . .

Johnston - What?

Archie - To dispose of as I see fit. Iíve struck a rather poor deal with a Lebanese restaurant in Glasgow specializing in barbecued goat.

Pearce - Youíre not sending them for the slaughter? Theyíre worth far more as milkers.

Archie - Theyíre paying me fifty quid, and Iím keeping the lot. Good day, gentlemen.

Pearce - [exchanges glance with Johnston] Now wait. I mean, hold on a minute. Itís a sinful waste to slaughter them. He can keep them.

Johnston - He can have them. Better that than they all go to waste.

Archie - Iím sorry. Iíve made my decision.

Johnston - Please, your lairdship, Iím sorry about your garden. Iíll make good the damage.

Archie - Pearce can have the two male kids, Johnston keeps the rest. You can take them with you now. After this, the matter is closed.

Johnston - Fine.

Archie - Oh, yeah, suits me.

Golly - Thank the Laird.

Johnston - Thank you.

Pearce - Aye, thanks. [they leave]

Golly - [giving Archie a hi-five] Yes!


Downstairs foyer

Xavier - I actually wrote a paper on ancient Highland laws and customs. I never came across that one about the grazing rights.

Archie - Oh, yes, an extremely ancient one that I just made up.

Xavier - Ah, that would explain it. Ah, Molly. [sets bag down and kisses her cheeks] Thanks for everything.

Molly - Donít leave it so long next time.

Xavier - Hector. [they shake hands] Everything, uh, all right?

Hector - Oh, itís nothing. Just a kick from a temperamental mare.

Molly - Watch it or Iíll kick the other one.

Xavier - Ah well, you mind you take it easy. So long.

Hector - Bye, Harold.

Xavier - Well, thank you, Archie. Itís been a revelation. [walks outside to find Katrina waiting by the car]

Katrina - Iíll see you, Harold.

Xavier - Ah. [they hug] Iíll write. [drives off]

Archie - Oh, I forgot to thank him for not ennobling the staff.

Katrina - Of course. Itís bad enough dealing with bolshie4 crofters, never mind usurpers.

Archie - Look, they asked me to play that role. I only gave them what they wanted.

Katrina - Aye, but you enjoyed it, didnít you?

Archie - No.

Katrina - Youíre a good laird, but youíre a hopeless liar.

Archie - You think Iím a good laird?

Katrina - No.

Archie - Thatís what you said.

Katrina - Youíre good as lairds go, but the sooner they go, the better.

Archie - Ha! You think Iím a good laird.

Katrina - No, I do not.

Archie - Yes, you do. I heard you say it.

Katrina - I donít think youíre a good laird.

Archie - Victory for me!


End of Episode 4, Series 1


1. Wedgwood - brand name of high quality ceramic and glass tableware made in the UK Back to transcript

2. wellies in a field of neeps - wellies: Wellington (rubber) boots; neeps: turnips Back to transcript

3. Gerald Ratner - founder of Ratnerís Jewellery, who in 1991 joked that an item made by the company was ďtotal crapĒ. The bad publicity from this comment ended with Ratner being forced out of the company, while the company itself suffered huge losses and changed its name to Signet. Back to transcript

4. bolshie - belligerent, bad tempered, awkward to deal with; from Bolshevik (Russian left-wing party member, extreme radical) Back to transcript

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