1 - Archie’s Idea Katrina’s house Radio - Clear, bright, and cool, with an average temperature from the area of 15 degrees1. [knock at door] West Highland Radio. Archie - [when Katrina opens the door] Katrina, hi. Katrina - You’re up bright and early. Archie - I know. I had work to do, so-- Katrina - “Work?” You still haven’t grasped the concept of being a laird, have you? Archie - I suppose if I was a school teacher, I could knock off at 3:00? Katrina - Were you looking for a fight?   Outside Archie - I just wanted to talk it through with you. Katrina - Pity you didn’t. Archie - Katrina, there’s an opportunity here for the whole of Glenbogle. Katrina - It’s an eyesore. Archie - “Glenbogle spring water, the taste of the Highlands.” I can’t believe I didn’t think of this before. People will pay good money for pure water. We start off selling to restaurants, then release it in a few selected chains . . . build a reputation, go national. We could even take on Europe. Katrina - Easy, Adolf. Archie - There’s jobs in it, Katrina. Income for the whole community. Katrina - And for your estate. So I’ve got six months of wolf whistles and builder’s bum to look forward to? Archie - Katrina, you’ll hardly notice they’re here. These boys are professionals. They know what they’re doing. [small explosion on drilling rig behind him, smoke pours out.] Man #1 - Switch it off. Pull the lever on the left! Go on, pull it! Man #2 - I’m pulling it! Katrina - You were saying? Man #1 - The other left. Man #2 - What other left?   2 - Main Titles [opening credits]   3 - Lizzie and Gerald Downstairs foyer Archie - Well, of course they hit granite. Half of Scotland is made of granite. [pause] I shelled out a fortune for a geological survey. Don’t tell me you didn’t read it? [pause] Well, just get a new drill bit. [pause] Switzerland?! Och. Right, right, right. Okay, thank you. Molly - How’s the new well going? Archie - It’s a rather small hole in the ground filled with rain water. Molly - Really? I thought we had lots of those. Archie - Who’s the letter from? Molly - Your sister. Do you know, I’ve always wondered why you didn’t see more of each other down in London? Archie - It’s a big place. Molly - But Lizzie’s in PR. She could have helped you launch your restaurant. Archie - Yeah, she helped launch The Angels’ Table. Molly - I’ve heard of them. They threw out all the food critics on the first night. Archie - That was Lizzie’s idea. Molly - You see? That got lots of publicity. Archie - Well, it didn’t get very much when the restaurant folded a couple of weeks later. Molly - [looking at letter] Ah, maybe that’s why she needs a change of scenery. Archie - What? [takes letter] Oh, no. Well, write back. Tell her we’ve moved to Australia. Molly - I think you’ll have to tell her yourself. Lizzie - [enters and drops bag] Are the midges biting, or are my ears burning? Molly - Lizzie, darling. Lizzie - Hello, mommy. [they hug] Hello, Archie. Love the wellies. Very man of the soil. Archie - Hi, Liz. Nice of you to tell us you were coming. Lizzie - I did. Oh, same old postie I see, hopeless. Molly - Archie, be a darling and take Lizzie’s bag upstairs. Lizzie - Actually, there’s a few things out in the van if you’re not busy. Archie - Right.   Driveway Gerald - It just feels so right being here. Hi, you must be Archie. I’m Gerald. Gerald Matthews. [they shake hands] And this is Janice, and Neil, and Seabreeze. [Lizzie walks up] Lizzie, I heard all about the house, but . . . it’s amazing. Hector - [walks up with his dogs] What’s this, more blasted tinkers? Lizzie - No, daddy. They’re friends of mine. Hector - Lizzie, good god, aren’t you married yet? Lizzie - Gerald, this is Hector, my father. Gerald - I guessed. How do you do? Hector - Morning. [to Lizzie] Where did you spring from? Lizzie - Your loins. Had you forgotten? Hector - You’re home now, girlie. We don’t discuss loins in public. [turns to Duncan] Don’t just stand there, lad. Give them a hand. Duncan - Here, let me. Janice - It’s heavy. Duncan - No, it’s no bother. Hector - Really, Archie. Drilling holes in the place is one thing. You might have mentioned you were planning a pop festival. [walks off] Duncan - I’ll put them in the guest bedrooms, shall I? Lizzie - Yes, please, Duncan. Thanks. [as Lexie comes outside] Lexie! Any chance of a fry-up? Janice - Only we don’t eat red meat. Lexie - Right. Fried porridge all round then? Lizzie - Can you do us kedgeree2? Lexie - We’ve not got any haddock. It’ll have to be smoked salmon? Gerald - Oh, brilliant. Archie - [to Lexie] What? Lexie - Come away in. Archie - Lizzie? You do know we’re trying to get paying visitors in here? Lizzie - I’m not surprised business is thin with you scowling at the guests as if they had fleas. Archie - Our rates are 40 pounds a night, we don’t accept credit cards, tarot cards, or joss sticks. Lizzie - Believe me, they’ll pay their way. Archie - How, exactly? Lizzie - All in good time. Now if you don’t mind, I’m famished.   Guest bedroom Duncan - If you need anything, Lexie will sort you out. Janice - Not you? Duncan - No. I work with the ghillie3. I don’t spend that much time in the big house. Janice - That’s a shame. Duncan - [stammering] No, not at all. I’d rather be . . . out and about, looking after the wildlife, you know? Janice - It must demand tremendous skill. Duncan - Och, no. Not really. It’s just a matter of being aware of your surroundings . . . knowing where to put your feet. [backs into dresser, knocking hat boxes off onto his head] Janice - [laughs] You’ll have to show me sometime. Duncan - Aye, sure. [stacks hat boxes in chair] Anyway, uh, catch you later. [runs out]   4 - Lizzie’s Big Idea Breakfast nook Hector - So, how’s the HP business? Lizzie - I wouldn’t know, daddy, I’m in PR. How are you two? Molly - Oh, much the same. A little seized up at the joints. Lizzie - You should let Neil give you a massage. He’s very talented. Molly - Really? How interesting. Shiatsu? Hector - Bless you. Lizzie - It’ll be nice to see Golly again. Hector - You’ll be lucky. Blasted fellow’s gone awol. There’s moss growing in my shotguns. Lizzie - How are you doing for money? Hector - I beg your pardon? Molly - [sighs] We try not to think about it. Lizzie - Well, maybe you should . . . because I’ve got an idea that’s worth millions. Molly - [as Archie walks in] Well, I’m sure Archie would love to hear about it. Lizzie - Archie? I’m putting it to the Laird. Hector - I’ll, uh, go and have another look for Golly. I think he may have been taken by a pike. Molly - I’m sorry, Lizzie, I thought we told everyone. Well, it’s all very legal and boring, but Archie’s the laird now. Lizzie - Well . . . congratulations. Molly - I think I’ll just go and see if that -- Neil’s about. [leaves] Archie - If it’s any consolation, Lizzie, they didn’t tell me either. So what’s this big idea of yours? Lizzie - Gerald. Archie - Gerald’s the big idea? Lizzie - He’s a healer, Archie. He has the most amazing power to tap into your soul. Once word gets around, we’ll be fighting off the punters with boiling oil. Archie - So that’s why you’re here, you and your . . . hangers-on. Lizzie - They’re alternative therapists. They’re qualified in aromatherapy, reflexology, homeopathy. Archie - I know, we could call it the . . . the Glenbogle Home for Gullible Hypochondriacs. Lizzie - It’s a good idea. You know it is. You just hate it because it was me who came up with it. Fine, because you’re going to end up wishing you had.   Downstairs foyer Archie - [on the phone] Sam, hi, it’s Archie. How’s my favorite old hippie? No, I don’t need any veg. I need to pick your brains. Have you ever heard of a guy called Gerald Matthews, some sort of mystical healer?   Kitchen Alice - I’m sorry, dear, are you busy? Lexie - Just take a seat inside. It’s nearly ready. Alice - I beg your pardon? Lexie - Are you not with Lizzie? Alice - Actually, I was looking for Golly. Is he all right? I was expecting him the other day, but . . . Lexie - He’s fine as far as I know. Did you want to leave a message, or . . . Alice - Oh, just tell him it was Alice. He’s supposed to be fixing up my house. Lexie - What, D.I.Y.4 sort of thing? Alice - Aye, that sort of thing. Lexie - A man of many talents. Alice - Oh, yes . . . he is. Anyway. Lexie - I’ll tell him you called. Alice - Thank you, my dear.   Lake shore Gerald - This is an extraordinary place. The elements . . . total harmony. The yin and the yang. Hector - Oh yes, I’ve heard of them. Those two pandas they couldn’t get to breed. Gerald - I think you’re winding me up, aren’t you, Hector? Hector - I don’t get much of a chance to do that here. Mind you, with Archie it’s rather like shooting goldfish. [Archie walks up] Uh, Archie will show you round the estate. I hope you’ll make yourselves at home. Gerald - You are very generous, Hector. Thank you. Hector - Not at all. Change of scenery does us all good. Now look after Gerald, Archie, will you? He’s a bit concerned about the pandas, apparently.   Glenbogle school Katrina - [to kids] Bye. And don’t forget it’s nature trail tomorrow. Lizzie - Nature trail? Spreading sedition in young minds, you mean. Katrina - I only do that in the classroom. Hello. Lizzie - Hi, Katrina. [they hug] Katrina - You look fantastic. How long are you home for? Lizzie - I’m not sure yet. Ever, maybe? Katrina - Seriously? You must have given Archie a surprise. Lizzie - He’s got a few more surprises coming. Katrina - Come on. I’ve got a bottle of bubbly in the fridge just waiting for a good excuse. [grabs her bike] Lizzie - That is one sexy set of wheels. Can I have a spin? Katrina - Sure. Lizzie - [hops on, starts pedaling away] Goes a bit, doesn’t it? Katrina - Hey, that’s my bike! Lizzie - [yelling back] After all these years, you still fell for it! [Katrina laughs]   5 - Gerald’s Knack Hillside Gerald - We’re not based anywhere. We follow our stars. Archie - Oh, yeah? How did you meet Lizzie, then? Gerald - She found me. Archie - She told you about Glenbogle? Gerald - No, it’s what the crystal told us. I dowsed a map of the area. It virtually took off. You know this place sits on the conjunction of seven ley lines? Archie - I must have missed that one somehow. Gerald - Every lunar cycle, this place will become a focus for terrestrial energy. And at the end of this week, full moon’s in the house of the sun. Archie - So you’re a bit early then? Gerald - We have to prepare. It’ll be an extraordinary nexus of spiritual and erotic power. Archie - Right. And this alternative health center, is that Lizzie’s idea or yours? Gerald - Cynicism corrodes the soul, Archie. Archie - Listen, Gerald . . . I don’t mean to be offensive, but . . . Lizzie often has these flashes of genius, and somehow they always seem to burn out. Gerald - And you’re worried that you’ll be left holding the ashes? Archie - Finding ley lines is great. Next week’s lottery numbers, now that would be something. Gerald - Your father says you’re drilling for water. Archie - We were, but they bent the drill bit on some turf. Gerald - Drills violate the earth. Mother Nature prefers it if you ask nicely. [takes crystal from around his neck, holds it out, and starts walking] Archie - I’ll run and fetch a spade, shall I? Maybe if we sacrificed a virgin? Gerald - Oh, patience, Archie, please. [drives his staff into the ground and works it around. Water starts trickling up out of the ground] It’s a knack some people have. [chuckles]   Katrina’s house Katrina - [as Lizzie builds a fire] Lizzie, we’re not in the arctic circle. Lizzie - I love doing this. Katrina - Incinerating things? Lizzie - You make me sound like a pyromaniac. Katrina - You were always making bonfires, usually out of your diaries. Lizzie - I was always trying to make a fresh start. Katrina - So what’s he like . . . Gerald? Lizzie - He’s extraordinary. It’s like he can see right through you. He has this animal aura. Katrina - Sounds like he’s more than just a client. Lizzie - Do you mind? It’s unethical to sleep with the customers. Katrina - “Unethical?” I thought you were in PR. Lizzie - So, is there a man in your life? Katrina - I think I’m better off without a man. Lizzie - It’s just as well. They’re not exactly thick on the ground round here. Unless you count Archie, he’s thick enough. [Katrina chuckles] I don’t believe it. Katrina - What? Lizzie - I mention Archie and you go all pink. Katrina - Well, I’m not surprised, with that fire you’ve got going there. Lizzie - I’m not the only one with a fire going, am I? Katrina - You are deranged. Lizzie - You went that color when Andy Collins asked you to marry him. Katrina - When I was twelve! Lizzie - Katrina, it’s me, Lizzie. You’re not fooling anyone. Except yourself. Katrina - That’s it. No more champagne for you.   Herb garden at back of house Janice - Mm. This is lovely. Do you have any lavender? Lexie - Not much call for it. Doesn’t exactly go with grouse. Janice - It makes the most wonderful massage oil. Lexie - I see. Round here we make do with peanut butter. Janice - I’ll have a look in the gardens. Thanks. Lexie - You’re welcome. [Janice leaves] Bubble head. [Marie walks past] Hey, can I help you? Marie - Oh, hello. I was wondering, is Golly around? Lexie - He doesn’t spend much time around the big house. Marie - So he’s all right then? Only I was a wee bit concerned. Lexie - Why, is he doing your D.I.Y. as well? Marie - Pardon? Lexie - Only, well, there was a lady looking for him yesterday. Marie - Oh, right. Well, he’s very capable, you know. Good with his hands. Lexie - Would you like to wait for him inside? Marie - Och, no, I don’t want to put you out. Lexie - Oh, you’re not. Kettle’s just boiled. Come on.   Estate Office Lexie - I hear Moses produced a miracle. Archie - Well, if this is fit to drink, it could be a miracle. Lexie - Golly could have found that spring. He knows every watercourse for miles. Archie - Yeah, but Golly wasn’t here. Lexie - That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. Nobody’s seen him in days. The ladies of the locality are worried about him. Archie - “The ladies?” Lexie - Apparently, they rely on Golly to, uh, address their womanly needs. Archie - Golly? Lexie - Well, don’t look so shocked. He’s a ghillie, not a monk. Archie - Well, yeah, but-- Lexie - The thing is . . . lately he hasn’t been rising to the occasion. Archie - Well, what am I supposed to do? Lexie - Well, he’s upset, and he’s depressed. He needs to talk to someone. Archie - But why me? I know nothing about it. Lexie - Oh, really? Wouldn’t you? Archie - I’m not sure I really want to discuss this with you, Lexie. Lexie - Well, I don’t want to discuss it with you either, but Golly needs to discuss it with someone, and you’re the laird.   Woods surrounding Glenbogle Archie - [wandering around, finally spots Golly] Oh, Golly, thank goodness. For a minute there I thought I was lost. Golly - You were lost. Archie - People have been asking after you. Golly - I saw the weirdos arriving. Thought I’d better make myself scarce. Archie - Lizzie’s friends. Golly - I know the type. Nature lovers. Should spend a few nights in the open . . . see how much nature loves them. Archie - So what have you been up to? Golly - Ah, I’ve been looking for the stag, Big Eric. There’s something wrong. Should be with the hinds. They need their sire and he’s nowhere to be seen. Archie - Maybe he’s a little stressed. Golly - “Stressed?” Archie - Well, it’s a vicious circle, isn’t it? The more he worries about it, the worse it gets. Maybe he should learn to relax. Go with the flow, sort of thing. Golly - “Go with the flow?” Are we talking about a deer here, or a fish? Archie - Well, um . . . neither actually. Golly - What the hell are we talking about? Archie - You, uh . . . your problem. Golly - What problem would that be? Archie - Well, your -- the lack of, um . . . [looks down, pointedly] you know. Golly - [cocks and raises shotgun] You’re lucky this gun is not loaded, your lairdship. Otherwise you’d be picking buckshot out of your tiny, skinny, aristocratic-- Archie - For goodness sake, Golly, it’s not the end of the world. It happens to all of us. Golly - Not to me it doesn’t! [stalks off] Archie - Golly, wait. You could at least point me in the direction of home. Golly - You’re the wildlife expert. You work it out.   6 - Pregnant Dirt road Katrina - [catching up with Archie as he walks] Hey, have you seen this? [holds up a pail] Archie - New handbag? Katrina - Well, I’m glad you think it’s funny. That well hasn’t dried up in thirty years. Archie - Katrina, it’s the first I’ve heard of it. Katrina - That’s just typical. You totally disrupt somebody’s life, and then you think if you flutter your big brown eyes they’ll just roll over. Archie - Is this about your well? Katrina - Yes, this is about my well. Archie - Okay, then, I’m sorry. But if you go into your kitchen, you’ll find these things called taps. Katrina - That chlorinated widdle. Archie - It’s good enough for the rest of us. Katrina - Anyway, why do you need a spring if you’re opening an alternative health center? Archie - Who says I am? Lizzie? Katrina - Oh, come on, it’s got to be better than sticking a great big bottling plant in the middle of the glen. Unless, of course, the Laird doesn’t want to share his mansion with the common ruck. Archie - Mm-hmm.   Glenbogle Estate grounds Duncan - [to Janice] I don’t have time. [Janice giggles and pulls him along by the hand. Lexie watches from upstairs window.]   Molly’s bedroom Molly - [moaning] Oh, yes. Oh, I’m feeling tingly all the way up. Oh yes, how do you do it? Oh, how do you do it? Oh, yes, it really is so . . . ooh, just a little higher . . . oh! Oh, oh, oh, I’ve never dreamed it could be . . . Hector - [barging into her room] All right, what’s going on?! Molly - [sitting in a chair with her bare foot in Neil’s lap] Oh, it’s called reflexology. It’s absolutely astounding. [to Neil] Oh, no, no, no. Don’t stop. Hector - I see. Jolly good. Molly - You should try it, darling. Hector - I don’t think so. Molly - Oh, don’t be so stodgy. Get ‘em off. Hector - What? Molly - Your shoes. Hector - Oh! [chuckles]   Library, some time later Hector - [wiggling his toes inside his shoes] It really is quite extraordinary. I thought those chaps just cut your toe nails. Lizzie - That’s chiropody, not reflexology. Hector - Ah. You know, Lizzie, I really think you’re on to something. Lizzie - Unfortunately, Archie’s not convinced. Molly - Archie, not even after Gerald found that spring? Archie - It was a trick. Like he said, “Lots of people have the knack.” Anyone could have found it. Lizzie - You didn’t. How much did that survey cost? Archie - It’s an investment. We’ll recoup it. Lizzie - The alternative health center wouldn’t need any investment, we’ve got it all here. Archie - Lizzie, I’m thinking in the long-term. Lizzie - So am I. I’d like to have my baby here. Hector - What did she say? Lizzie - I’m pregnant, daddy. Molly - Oh, Lizzie! Hector - Excellent! Absolutely splendid! Hear that, Archie? A grandson to carry on the family line. Archie - Marvelous. Congratulations, Liz. Lizzie - It might be a granddaughter. Hector - Oh, yes, well. Better than nothing, isn’t it? Molly - Hector. Hector - What? Lizzie - I’d like to sell the flat in London. I want my child to grow up here. Molly - Oh, yes, Lizzie. It’ll be wonderful to have a child in the house again. Hector - Absolutely. Even a girl. Archie - Does, uh, does Gerald know? He is the father? Lizzie - Yes, he does. He is. Molly - Lizzie, I know I’m hopelessly old fashioned, but we haven’t missed anything, have we? Like an engagement? Lizzie - Mommy. Hector - [groans] I see. [to Archie] Time you took matters in hand, I think. Archie - What’s this? Hector - Keys to the shotgun rack. Archie - Father, surely a rifle would be more humane. Hector - I’m talking about family honor, damn it. Archie - Well, it’s a bit late to worry about that. Hector - Very well. Lizzie - Daddy, please don’t make a scene. Hector - I don’t intend to. Gerald seems to be a gentleman. I shall merely remind him of his obligations. [leaves]   Lake shore Hector - Gerald, a word with you. Janice - Shh. Gerald - It’s all right. Meet again this evening. [Janice, Neil, and Seabreeze leave] Hector - Lizzie’s just told us her good news. Gerald - Oh, you must be very proud of her. Hector - I understand you deserve some of the credit. In which case there’s probably something you want to ask me. Gerald - Lizzie said it would be okay . . . to use the library. Hector - “Library?” Gerald - For our healing session tonight. You’re welcome to join us. Hector - That’s not what I meant. Gerald - You’re so lucky. This landscape just keeps the spirit in balance. I hear you don’t swim in the loch any longer? Hector - Used to . . . every day . . . once upon a time. Gerald - Why did you stop? Hector - Got old. Gerald - Do you ever think that perhaps you got old because you stopped? We’ll be starting at seven, okay? [walks off] Hector - Right-o. I -- hold on! [runs after him]   7 - No Healing in Denial Downstairs foyer [telephone rings] Lexie - [answers phone] Glenbogle refuge for New Age dropouts. [pause] Hold on. Uh, Archie -- your favorite old hippie. Archie - [takes phone] Hello?   Library Janice - I feel the need for approval. That’s why I’m always throwing myself at people. Gerald - And you hope that Duncan will catch you? Archie - [enters] Oh, sorry. Gerald - No, no. Please, come in. Archie - I was looking for Lizzie. Gerald - She’s coming later. Please, take a seat. Archie - All right. [sits on pillow amongst the others] Gerald - We were just . . . just looking at events that shape our lives. [lights incense stick] Talking purges the spirit. Archie - Ah, right. Colonic irrigation for the soul. [the others chuckle] Gerald - We can’t . . . bury the pain in our hearts . . . Archie - No, absolutely. Gerald - Is there anything that you would like to share? Archie - Uh . . . nope. Nothing I can think of, sorry. Gerald - What about what you can’t think of? Your brother . . . Jamie? Archie - What? Gerald - The boating accident on the loch? When Jamie drowned. I know you must feel terrible guilt. Archie - You know nothing of the sort. Excuse me. [leaves] Gerald - Archie, there is no healing in denial.   Lizzie’s bedroom Archie - [enters] Lizzie, have you got a minute? I don’t care who you and Gerald try to fool, but just leave the family out of it. Okay? Lizzie - What’s the matter? Archie - He’s been interrogating me about Jamie, for one thing. Lizzie - It happened to me, too, Archie. But no, it just has to be about you, doesn’t it? Archie - What? Lizzie - After Jamie died, it was like I didn’t exist. Everyone was so worried about poor wee Archie. You got all Hector’s affection. Archie - What affection? Lizzie - Then when things go wrong, who do they ask for? Wee Archie, who never gave them a thought since he left. I’m older then you, no one ever asked me. Archie - Because the best you can come up with is some failed double glazing salesman who’s masquerading as a guru. Lizzie - You’ve been checking up on Gerald? Archie - Of course I have. He’s an undischarged bankrupt. Lizzie - For goodness sake, Archie, I could have told you that if you’d asked me. Archie - You mean you knew? Lizzie - Gerald’s abilities are real. You’ve seen them.   Stream in woods Gerald - Is that what it looks like? Golly - What does it look like? Gerald - Like you’re hard on poachers. Golly - I’m building a new hide. Gerald - I’m Gerald. Golly - I know who you are. Gerald - Did you wanna hand? Golly - I’m not entirely useless. Yet. Gerald - Lonely up here. Golly - Solitary. Not the same thing. Gerald - All the same. There’s no one to see your pain. Golly - Who says I’m in pain? Gerald - You know, the South American Indians believe that . . . we each of us have a spirit animal. Golly - Uh-huh. Gerald - Mine’s the salmon. Golly - I’m Church of Scotland, myself. Gerald - Yours will be the stag. Golly - There are no stags round here. Gerald - Well, when there are . . . you’ll start to feel better. Easy on the poachers, eh? [leaves]   8 - Hector’s Weak Point River bank Duncan - There’s an osprey nesting nearby. She hunts on that stretch of water just there. Janice - Amazing. Duncan - When she dives for a fish, it will take your breath away. Janice - Duncan, you know I said I was into the birds and the bees? Duncan - Oh, yeah, the hives, they’re just a wee bit further up the glen. Janice - This isn’t quite what I meant. Duncan - What? [Janice kisses him, he pulls away] Janice - What’s the matter? Duncan - Nothing. I just feel a wee bit . . . exposed, you know? Janice - You think there’s a wild cat out there stalking us? [they chuckle, Duncan kisses her] Lexie - [in distance] Ow! Duncan - What? Janice - Oi! Lexie - : [coming out of the trees] Holy -- you nearly scared the life out of me there. Duncan - Lexie, what are you after? Lexie - Mushrooms. No need to ask what you’re after. Janice - We haven’t got very far, if that’s what’s bothering you. Lexie - Why should I be bothered? Janice - 35,000 acres and you’re picking mushrooms round here? Look, if you two have got something going, I’d really like to know about it. Lexie - You’ve been on the mushrooms yourself, pet. Janice - [to Duncan] Well?   Sandy beach [Archie picks up blue towel lying in sand] Hector - [splashing in lake] Help! Help! My leg! Ah! Help! Help! [Archie takes off running, out into the water] Duncan - Who’s that? Hector - Help! Help me! Duncan - [sees him] Oh, no. [Archie reaches Hector, Duncan runs down the beach toward them] Get help, Lexie! [splashes out into the water to meet them as they limp to shore]   Downstairs foyer Hector - I swam that loch every day when I was younger. Molly - You’re not younger any more. Hector - Nonsense. All in the mind. Lexie - There’s a fair bit in your lungs as well. Hector - I got cramped, that’s all -- the way you cook, it’s lucky I could float, never mind swim. Drink! Molly - Oh no, no. Help me get him upstairs. Hector - I don’t want any help! Molly - You’ll take it whether you want it or not, you silly old goose. [Hector grumbles as they lead him upstairs]   Library Gerald - [as Archie enters] Archie, I am so sorry. I had no idea he’d take me so literally. Archie - I’ve had just about enough of this. It’s time you and your friends left. Lizzie - No, Archie! Archie - Lizzie, what else does he have to do? Lizzie - You can’t blame Gerald for Hector’s behavior. Archie - Father is sensitive about his age and his health. Gerald knew that. But that’s your trick, isn’t it? Finding people’s weak points. Lizzie - Oh, for goodness sake, Archie. Archie - You might fool everyone else, but you don’t fool me. Lizzie - This is my home as much as yours. Archie - Lizzie! Lizzie - I say he stays. Come on, Gerald. [they leave]   Katrina’s house Lizzie - It drives me insane, the way he lords it over everyone. I’d like to burn that stupid house down just to see the look on his face. Katrina - Come on, Lizzie, don’t you think he might have a point? Lizzie - Gerald gives people advice. How they act on it isn’t his problem. [pulls out a cigarette] Have you got a light? Katrina - What about the baby? Lizzie - Katrina, it’s bad enough when Archie pretends to be everyone’s guardian angel, the sanctimonious creep.   Hector’s bedroom Archie - [enters to find Hector asleep in the bath] Ahem! Hector - Hmm-- Now what? Can’t a man even have forty winks? Archie - Not in the bath. Not unless you really do want to drown yourself. Are you sure you won’t see that doctor? Hector - Perhaps you should. You look like death. Archie - Well, I’ve had a bit of a shock. Hector - Oh, I’d no idea I’d raised such a delicate flower. Archie - Fine. And next time Gerald suggests hydrotherapy, let me know, okay? Hector - I don’t need a second opinion, thank you very much. Young Gerald has a lot more sense than some people I know. [Archie leaves]   Hallway Molly - I’ll say it for him, “Thank you.” And I’m sorry he put you through this. Archie - It’s not his fault. Gerald is the liability. Molly - But he meant well. And he makes Lizzie so happy. Archie - Hmm. [leaves]   9 - Archie’s Choice Woods surrounding Glenbogle [Golly walks through the woods, looking for signs of Big Eric. Eventually he finds tracks that lead him to the buck.]   Katrina’s house Radio - West Highland FM. West Highland FM with the latest in weather and travel. Today, sunshine with showers. The rain most likely in the middle of the day. Maximum temperature 18 degrees5-- [Katrina, brushing her teeth, opens medicine cabinet to find open box of tampons.]   Estate Office Archie - Morning. Katrina - Your new friends are eating you out of house and home. Archie - Ah well, they’ll soon be paying their way [?]. Katrina - You’re strangely cheerful. Archie - Listen, I, um . . . Katrina - What? Archie - I really appreciate the work that you do. I hope you’ll be staying on. Katrina - “Staying on?” Why wouldn’t I be staying on? Archie - Oh, well you’ll have to speak to Lizzie about that one, I’m afraid. Katrina - Archie-- Archie - I’m handing it all over to Lizzie. She’s got a big idea, she’s got a baby on the way, she’s got Gerald. And everyone else seems to think the sun shines out of his armpits, so . . . Katrina - What about your duty to your tenants? Your loyalty to your clan? All those traditions you’re supposed to uphold? Archie - [scoffs] Katrina, can you hear yourself? Katrina - Well, I know it’s all nonsense, but . . . you can’t just -- walk out. Archie - Watch me. [leaves]   Dining room Archie - [enters] Lizzie, Gerald, hi. Here are the account books. Katrina can help you with any queries. Correspondence from the bank, all pretty self-explanatory. The estate records are all filed properly, so you shouldn’t have any trouble managing. Lizzie - Managing what? Archie - The estate. Your healing center’s a wonderful idea. Lizzie - You don’t really believe that. Archie - It doesn’t matter what I believe. I wish you all the best, and I hope it’s a huge success. Lizzie - Where are you going? Archie - Back to London. Packing today, leaving tomorrow first thing. It’s all yours.   Downstairs foyer Hector - What’s all this nonsense about you leaving? You’ve got responsibilities. Archie - I don’t want them. I never have. If Lizzie does, she’s welcome to them. She wants to do things her way and you prefer her way to mine, so . . . Molly - Archie, don’t ask us to choose between the two of you. Archie - I’d never do that. I don’t want to hear the answer.   Glenbogle Estate grounds Lizzie - I’m not forcing him to leave, Katrina. Katrina - Even when you announced you were pregnant and moving back home? Lizzie - It’s a big house. There’s plenty of room for all of us. Katrina - There’s a couple of things missing from my bathroom cabinet. Lizzie - I’m sorry, I’ll buy you some more. Katrina - That’s not the point. Pregnant women usually don’t need them. I cant believe you’d lie about something like that just to spite Archie. Lizzie - I didn’t. I swear, I didn’t. It was an honest mistake. I just . . . jumped the gun. I want a baby. I love Gerald. And I’m sick of postponing my life for the sake of my so-called career. Katrina - Are you going to tell your parents? Lizzie - There’ll be other chances. Katrina - Are you going to tell Archie? Lizzie - Are you? He’ll still leave, Katrina. He’s too stubborn to change his mind. Katrina - And is that what you want? Lizzie - I want what’s best for Glenbogle. Archie’s not the only one who loves this place.   10 - Full Moon Alice’s house Alice - [putting saucer of milk on back step] There you go, Angus. [Golly walks in, Alice smiles]   Lizzie’s bedroom Lizzie - I’m not sure it’s gonna happen. We’ll never get on. Gerald - Well . . . you’re a fire child, and Archie’s earth. Lizzie - I thought he was hot air. Gerald - No, that’s your dad. Lizzie - There’s something I’ve got to tell you. Gerald - Oh, shh. Listen to the moon.   River bank, night Katrina - If you’re heading for London, it’s the other direction. Archie - How did you find me? Katrina - I wasn’t looking for you. You’ve got to speak to Lizzie. Archie - There’s nothing to say. She can’t stand the sight of me. Katrina - That’s not true. Archie - Well, it’s mutual, anyway. She’s so scatty and dizzy and full of energy. Katrina - And she’s your sister and you love her. Talk to her, Archie. Archie - I can’t. Every time I see her, I think of when the three of us were kids. Katrina - Is that why she makes you so angry? Because she reminds you of Jamie? Archie - Don’t, you sound like Gerald. Katrina - Maybe you should listen to him. Archie - Oh, please, all that twaddle about the erotic power of the moon. Katrina - I suppose this is goodbye. Archie - Well, you’ll be coming down to London sometime, will you? Katrina - No. Archie - Right. Well, then . . . goodbye. [clouds obscure the moon] Bloody hell, it’s dark out here. Katrina - Did you bring a torch? Archie - No. Katrina - What are you like? Archie - Well, have you? Katrina - Here, take my hand. Stay close.   Janice’s bedroom Janice - [waiting in bed for Duncan to come, becomes frustrated] Duncan! [punches pillow] You creep!   Kitchen Lexie - [as Duncan enters] What are you looking for? Duncan - I’ll give you a clue. It’s not mushrooms. [slams door closed]   Hector’s bedroom Hector - [trying to get comfortable in his bed] Perhaps it’s better if he does go. If he can’t stand the heat, he should get out of Scotland. Molly - Quite right, dear. Hector - Oh, don’t talk nonsense. Can’t we lock him in his room or something till he calms down? Molly - We’ll just have to let them slug it out. Hector - [hearing pots banging and voices downstairs] Sounds like they’re at it already. God almighty, it’s like trying to sleep in a brothel. Molly - Mm, ‘tis, isn’t it? Lexie - [from downstairs] Duncan! Hector - [to Molly] What? Molly - I’ve brought you a nice milky drink. Hector - I don’t want a nice milky drink unless it’s got whisky in it. Molly - Oh, there must be something we can do to help you sleep.   Marie’s house Marie - [sitting up in bed] Hello? [looks through doorway as Golly enters]   11 - You Have to Stay Downstairs foyer Golly - [whistling] Archie. Fine day for a journey. Archie - You look a bit happier. Golly - Oh, I am, I am. I’m less . . . stressed. Archie - Ah, so Big Eric’s back in town? Golly - Mm. And that Gerald, though, he has his head screwed on . . . for a weirdo. Archie - Mm. Golly - Mm. [leaves] Archie - Great. Rub it in.   Kitchen Lexie - Away and shoot a small-brained animal . . . preferably yourself. Duncan - You can’t pretend last night didn’t happen. Lexie - Last night you pushed me on the kitchen table and stuck your tongue in my ear. It doesn’t mean we’re betrothed. Duncan - There’s more to it than that, and I think you know it. Lexie - Here . . . [hands him a plate of food] go make up with wee Janice.   Dining room [Duncan sets plate next to Janice, who pointedly ignores him] Archie - Oh, Duncan, will you bring the car round? Duncan - Yeah, sure, boss. Archie - Thanks. [Duncan leaves] Hector - [enters] Morning all, and what a splendid morning it is. [leads Molly in by the hand] Archie - Father, I know you’re upset, but-- Hector - About what? Oh, yes, your abdication! I think I’ll get over it. [yells into kitchen] Lexie, a large plate of your finest cinders. Lizzie - [enters] Archie, were those your bags out in the hall? Archie - Yeah, sorry, are they in the way? Lizzie - Not any more. I told Duncan to take them back upstairs. Archie - Lizzie. Lizzie - Just listen to me for once. I made a mistake. I’m not having a baby. Gerald - Not yet. Molly - Oh, Lizzie. Lizzie - I thought I was. Well, part of me did. And part of me just wanted to get one over on Archie. And that’s no way to start a new life. I’m sorry. [leaves] Hector - Oh, well. Ball back in your court, old man. [looks at Archie, who follows Lizzie out]   Lizzie’s bedroom Archie - Liz . . . come on. [they hug] You can try again. Lizzie - Don’t leave, Archie. You’re the one to save this place. I can never stick at anything long enough. Archie - I’m sorry I wouldn’t listen. It was just pig-headed vanity. Your center’s a great idea. Lizzie - But it needs thinking through. Not my specialty. You have to stay. Mommy and daddy need you. And one deluded local. Archie - Who? Lizzie - [smiling through her tears] That’s my wee brother. Can’t see what’s under his nose.   Driveway Molly - [to Janice] Dear child, take care of yourself. It’s been so lovely having you to stay. Archie - Lizzie, you don’t have to rush off. Lizzie - I’d better get back before they sell the flat. Archie - Well, we’re here whenever you need us. I’m here. Lizzie - I know. Archie - I was too hard on Gerald. He’s, uh . . . he’s different. Lizzie - He is, isn’t he? And if you ever need these windows replacing, he’s your man. Anyway . . . Archie - Good luck. [they hug] Lizzie - Bye, mom. Molly - Oh, Lizzie darling. [they hug] Hector - Ah, bye, Lizzie. [they hug] Have a good trip. Lizzie - Bye.   Katrina’s house Katrina - I know, I could run a hose pipe to the well and fill it with tap water. Archie - What do you want me to do? Bung a big cork in the spring? Katrina - [looks toward well] Golly? Golly - [drinking from dipper in well pail] Is it okay? Scree-fall up the glen diverted the burn. I cleared it the other day. Water table’s back up. Archie - So it had nothing to do with the spring? Golly - Water rarely runs uphill, Archie. Thanks for the drink. [leaves] Katrina - If you’re still looking for a bottling plant, I know one going cheap. Archie - Where? Katrina - Put it this way, what’s in it for me? Archie - Katrina, where? Tell me. Katrina - Might do. Archie - No, seriously. Katrina - Ask nicely. Archie - Katrina, please, will you just tell me? Katrina - Ooh, getting desperate now.