Monarch of the Glen

Episode Transcripts


Series 1, Episode 5

Based on the novels by Compton MacKenzie

Produced by Nick Pitt
Directed by A.J. Quinn
Written by Niall Leonard

For BBC Scotland
Airdate: March 26, 2000


Zzickle's Notes:

I don't own Monarch of the Glen - The contents of this transcript are taken directly from the episode (with help of closed captions), to the best of my ability.

These transcripts were made because 1. My dad has trouble understanding some of the very Scottish accents (and colloquialisms), 2. The DVDs have closed captions, not subtitles, which can only be viewed on our computer, not with any TV DVD players, and 3. Even on the computer, the captions are very hard to read because of the way that they overlap on top of each other.

If you want to post this transcript on your site, please let me know where it is going so I can visit it. Also, please post it with my name (Zzickle) and website ( on it.

You are more than welcome to use these transcripts in your fanfiction stories, no notification required.

Cast List:

Archie MacDonald - Alastair Mackenzie
              Laird of Glenbogle

Hector MacDonald - Richard Briers
              Archie's father

Molly MacDonald - Susan Hampshire
              Archie's mother

Golly Mackenzie - Alexander Morton
              Estate groundskeeper

Lexie MacDonald - Dawn Steele
              Estate housekeeper

Duncan McKay - Hamish Clark
              Estate handyman

Katrina Finlay - Loraine Pilkington
              head school teacher

Lizzie MacDonald - Abigail Cruttenden
              Archieís sister

Gerald Matthews - Johnny Phillips
              Lizzieís boyfriend

Janice - Julia Haworth
Neil - Kjeld Thorup
Seabreeze - Connie Fullerton
              Lizzieís friends

Alice - Sarah Collier
Marie - Monica Gibb
              ladies of the locality


1 - Archieís Idea

Katrinaís house

Radio - Clear, bright, and cool, with an average temperature from the area of 15 degrees1. [knock at door] West Highland Radio.

Archie - [when Katrina opens the door] Katrina, hi.

Katrina - Youíre up bright and early.

Archie - I know. I had work to do, so--

Katrina - ďWork?Ē You still havenít grasped the concept of being a laird, have you?

Archie - I suppose if I was a school teacher, I could knock off at 3:00?

Katrina - Were you looking for a fight?



Archie - I just wanted to talk it through with you.

Katrina - Pity you didnít.

Archie - Katrina, thereís an opportunity here for the whole of Glenbogle.

Katrina - Itís an eyesore.

Archie - ďGlenbogle spring water, the taste of the Highlands.Ē I canít believe I didnít think of this before. People will pay good money for pure water. We start off selling to restaurants, then release it in a few selected chains . . . build a reputation, go national. We could even take on Europe.

Katrina - Easy, Adolf.

Archie - Thereís jobs in it, Katrina. Income for the whole community.

Katrina - And for your estate. So Iíve got six months of wolf whistles and builderís bum to look forward to?

Archie - Katrina, youíll hardly notice theyíre here. These boys are professionals. They know what theyíre doing.

[small explosion on drilling rig behind him, smoke pours out.]

Man #1 - Switch it off. Pull the lever on the left! Go on, pull it!

Man #2 - Iím pulling it!

Katrina - You were saying?

Man #1 - The other left.

Man #2 - What other left?


2 - Main Titles

[opening credits]


3 - Lizzie and Gerald

Downstairs foyer

Archie - Well, of course they hit granite. Half of Scotland is made of granite. [pause] I shelled out a fortune for a geological survey. Donít tell me you didnít read it? [pause] Well, just get a new drill bit. [pause] Switzerland?! Och. Right, right, right. Okay, thank you.

Molly - Howís the new well going?

Archie - Itís a rather small hole in the ground filled with rain water.

Molly - Really? I thought we had lots of those.

Archie - Whoís the letter from?

Molly - Your sister. Do you know, Iíve always wondered why you didnít see more of each other down in London?

Archie - Itís a big place.

Molly - But Lizzieís in PR. She could have helped you launch your restaurant.

Archie - Yeah, she helped launch The Angelsí Table.

Molly - Iíve heard of them. They threw out all the food critics on the first night.

Archie - That was Lizzieís idea.

Molly - You see? That got lots of publicity.

Archie - Well, it didnít get very much when the restaurant folded a couple of weeks later.

Molly - [looking at letter] Ah, maybe thatís why she needs a change of scenery.

Archie - What? [takes letter] Oh, no. Well, write back. Tell her weíve moved to Australia.

Molly - I think youíll have to tell her yourself.

Lizzie - [enters and drops bag] Are the midges biting, or are my ears burning?

Molly - Lizzie, darling.

Lizzie - Hello, mommy. [they hug] Hello, Archie. Love the wellies. Very man of the soil.

Archie - Hi, Liz. Nice of you to tell us you were coming.

Lizzie - I did. Oh, same old postie I see, hopeless.

Molly - Archie, be a darling and take Lizzieís bag upstairs.

Lizzie - Actually, thereís a few things out in the van if youíre not busy.

Archie - Right.



Gerald - It just feels so right being here. Hi, you must be Archie. Iím Gerald. Gerald Matthews. [they shake hands] And this is Janice, and Neil, and Seabreeze. [Lizzie walks up] Lizzie, I heard all about the house, but . . . itís amazing.

Hector - [walks up with his dogs] Whatís this, more blasted tinkers?

Lizzie - No, daddy. Theyíre friends of mine.

Hector - Lizzie, good god, arenít you married yet?

Lizzie - Gerald, this is Hector, my father.

Gerald - I guessed. How do you do?

Hector - Morning. [to Lizzie] Where did you spring from?

Lizzie - Your loins. Had you forgotten?

Hector - Youíre home now, girlie. We donít discuss loins in public. [turns to Duncan] Donít just stand there, lad. Give them a hand.

Duncan - Here, let me.

Janice - Itís heavy.

Duncan - No, itís no bother.

Hector - Really, Archie. Drilling holes in the place is one thing. You might have mentioned you were planning a pop festival. [walks off]

Duncan - Iíll put them in the guest bedrooms, shall I?

Lizzie - Yes, please, Duncan. Thanks. [as Lexie comes outside] Lexie! Any chance of a fry-up?

Janice - Only we donít eat red meat.

Lexie - Right. Fried porridge all round then?

Lizzie - Can you do us kedgeree2?

Lexie - Weíve not got any haddock. Itíll have to be smoked salmon?

Gerald - Oh, brilliant.

Archie - [to Lexie] What?

Lexie - Come away in.

Archie - Lizzie? You do know weíre trying to get paying visitors in here?

Lizzie - Iím not surprised business is thin with you scowling at the guests as if they had fleas.

Archie - Our rates are 40 pounds a night, we donít accept credit cards, tarot cards, or joss sticks.

Lizzie - Believe me, theyíll pay their way.

Archie - How, exactly?

Lizzie - All in good time. Now if you donít mind, Iím famished.


Guest bedroom

Duncan - If you need anything, Lexie will sort you out.

Janice - Not you?

Duncan - No. I work with the ghillie3. I donít spend that much time in the big house.

Janice - Thatís a shame.

Duncan - [stammering] No, not at all. Iíd rather be . . . out and about, looking after the wildlife, you know?

Janice - It must demand tremendous skill.

Duncan - Och, no. Not really. Itís just a matter of being aware of your surroundings . . . knowing where to put your feet. [backs into dresser, knocking hat boxes off onto his head]

Janice - [laughs] Youíll have to show me sometime.

Duncan - Aye, sure. [stacks hat boxes in chair] Anyway, uh, catch you later. [runs out]


4 - Lizzieís Big Idea

Breakfast nook

Hector - So, howís the HP business?

Lizzie - I wouldnít know, daddy, Iím in PR. How are you two?

Molly - Oh, much the same. A little seized up at the joints.

Lizzie - You should let Neil give you a massage. Heís very talented.

Molly - Really? How interesting. Shiatsu?

Hector - Bless you.

Lizzie - Itíll be nice to see Golly again.

Hector - Youíll be lucky. Blasted fellowís gone awol. Thereís moss growing in my shotguns.

Lizzie - How are you doing for money?

Hector - I beg your pardon?

Molly - [sighs] We try not to think about it.

Lizzie - Well, maybe you should . . . because Iíve got an idea thatís worth millions.

Molly - [as Archie walks in] Well, Iím sure Archie would love to hear about it.

Lizzie - Archie? Iím putting it to the Laird.

Hector - Iíll, uh, go and have another look for Golly. I think he may have been taken by a pike.

Molly - Iím sorry, Lizzie, I thought we told everyone. Well, itís all very legal and boring, but Archieís the laird now.

Lizzie - Well . . . congratulations.

Molly - I think Iíll just go and see if that -- Neilís about. [leaves]

Archie - If itís any consolation, Lizzie, they didnít tell me either. So whatís this big idea of yours?

Lizzie - Gerald.

Archie - Geraldís the big idea?

Lizzie - Heís a healer, Archie. He has the most amazing power to tap into your soul. Once word gets around, weíll be fighting off the punters with boiling oil.

Archie - So thatís why youíre here, you and your . . . hangers-on.

Lizzie - Theyíre alternative therapists. Theyíre qualified in aromatherapy, reflexology, homeopathy.

Archie - I know, we could call it the . . . the Glenbogle Home for Gullible Hypochondriacs.

Lizzie - Itís a good idea. You know it is. You just hate it because it was me who came up with it. Fine, because youíre going to end up wishing you had.


Downstairs foyer

Archie - [on the phone] Sam, hi, itís Archie. Howís my favorite old hippie? No, I donít need any veg. I need to pick your brains. Have you ever heard of a guy called Gerald Matthews, some sort of mystical healer?



Alice - Iím sorry, dear, are you busy?

Lexie - Just take a seat inside. Itís nearly ready.

Alice - I beg your pardon?

Lexie - Are you not with Lizzie?

Alice - Actually, I was looking for Golly. Is he all right? I was expecting him the other day, but . . .

Lexie - Heís fine as far as I know. Did you want to leave a message, or . . .

Alice - Oh, just tell him it was Alice. Heís supposed to be fixing up my house.

Lexie - What, D.I.Y.4 sort of thing?

Alice - Aye, that sort of thing.

Lexie - A man of many talents.

Alice - Oh, yes . . . he is. Anyway.

Lexie - Iíll tell him you called.

Alice - Thank you, my dear.


Lake shore

Gerald - This is an extraordinary place. The elements . . . total harmony. The yin and the yang.

Hector - Oh yes, Iíve heard of them. Those two pandas they couldnít get to breed.

Gerald - I think youíre winding me up, arenít you, Hector?

Hector - I donít get much of a chance to do that here. Mind you, with Archie itís rather like shooting goldfish. [Archie walks up] Uh, Archie will show you round the estate. I hope youíll make yourselves at home.

Gerald - You are very generous, Hector. Thank you.

Hector - Not at all. Change of scenery does us all good. Now look after Gerald, Archie, will you? Heís a bit concerned about the pandas, apparently.


Glenbogle school

Katrina - [to kids] Bye. And donít forget itís nature trail tomorrow.

Lizzie - Nature trail? Spreading sedition in young minds, you mean.

Katrina - I only do that in the classroom. Hello.

Lizzie - Hi, Katrina. [they hug]

Katrina - You look fantastic. How long are you home for?

Lizzie - Iím not sure yet. Ever, maybe?

Katrina - Seriously? You must have given Archie a surprise.

Lizzie - Heís got a few more surprises coming.

Katrina - Come on. Iíve got a bottle of bubbly in the fridge just waiting for a good excuse. [grabs her bike]

Lizzie - That is one sexy set of wheels. Can I have a spin?

Katrina - Sure.

Lizzie - [hops on, starts pedaling away] Goes a bit, doesnít it?

Katrina - Hey, thatís my bike!

Lizzie - [yelling back] After all these years, you still fell for it! [Katrina laughs]


5 - Geraldís Knack


Gerald - Weíre not based anywhere. We follow our stars.

Archie - Oh, yeah? How did you meet Lizzie, then?

Gerald - She found me.

Archie - She told you about Glenbogle?

Gerald - No, itís what the crystal told us. I dowsed a map of the area. It virtually took off. You know this place sits on the conjunction of seven ley lines?

Archie - I must have missed that one somehow.

Gerald - Every lunar cycle, this place will become a focus for terrestrial energy. And at the end of this week, full moonís in the house of the sun.

Archie - So youíre a bit early then?

Gerald - We have to prepare. Itíll be an extraordinary nexus of spiritual and erotic power.

Archie - Right. And this alternative health center, is that Lizzieís idea or yours?

Gerald - Cynicism corrodes the soul, Archie.

Archie - Listen, Gerald . . . I donít mean to be offensive, but . . . Lizzie often has these flashes of genius, and somehow they always seem to burn out.

Gerald - And youíre worried that youíll be left holding the ashes?

Archie - Finding ley lines is great. Next weekís lottery numbers, now that would be something.

Gerald - Your father says youíre drilling for water.

Archie - We were, but they bent the drill bit on some turf.

Gerald - Drills violate the earth. Mother Nature prefers it if you ask nicely. [takes crystal from around his neck, holds it out, and starts walking]

Archie - Iíll run and fetch a spade, shall I? Maybe if we sacrificed a virgin?

Gerald - Oh, patience, Archie, please. [drives his staff into the ground and works it around. Water starts trickling up out of the ground] Itís a knack some people have. [chuckles]


Katrinaís house

Katrina - [as Lizzie builds a fire] Lizzie, weíre not in the arctic circle.

Lizzie - I love doing this.

Katrina - Incinerating things?

Lizzie - You make me sound like a pyromaniac.

Katrina - You were always making bonfires, usually out of your diaries.

Lizzie - I was always trying to make a fresh start.

Katrina - So whatís he like . . . Gerald?

Lizzie - Heís extraordinary. Itís like he can see right through you. He has this animal aura.

Katrina - Sounds like heís more than just a client.

Lizzie - Do you mind? Itís unethical to sleep with the customers.

Katrina - ďUnethical?Ē I thought you were in PR.

Lizzie - So, is there a man in your life?

Katrina - I think Iím better off without a man.

Lizzie - Itís just as well. Theyíre not exactly thick on the ground round here. Unless you count Archie, heís thick enough. [Katrina chuckles] I donít believe it.

Katrina - What?

Lizzie - I mention Archie and you go all pink.

Katrina - Well, Iím not surprised, with that fire youíve got going there.

Lizzie - Iím not the only one with a fire going, am I?

Katrina - You are deranged.

Lizzie - You went that color when Andy Collins asked you to marry him.

Katrina - When I was twelve!

Lizzie - Katrina, itís me, Lizzie. Youíre not fooling anyone. Except yourself.

Katrina - Thatís it. No more champagne for you.


Herb garden at back of house

Janice - Mm. This is lovely. Do you have any lavender?

Lexie - Not much call for it. Doesnít exactly go with grouse.

Janice - It makes the most wonderful massage oil.

Lexie - I see. Round here we make do with peanut butter.

Janice - Iíll have a look in the gardens. Thanks.

Lexie - Youíre welcome. [Janice leaves] Bubble head. [Marie walks past] Hey, can I help you?

Marie - Oh, hello. I was wondering, is Golly around?

Lexie - He doesnít spend much time around the big house.

Marie - So heís all right then? Only I was a wee bit concerned.

Lexie - Why, is he doing your D.I.Y. as well?

Marie - Pardon?

Lexie - Only, well, there was a lady looking for him yesterday.

Marie - Oh, right. Well, heís very capable, you know. Good with his hands.

Lexie - Would you like to wait for him inside?

Marie - Och, no, I donít want to put you out.

Lexie - Oh, youíre not. Kettleís just boiled. Come on.


Estate Office

Lexie - I hear Moses produced a miracle.

Archie - Well, if this is fit to drink, it could be a miracle.

Lexie - Golly could have found that spring. He knows every watercourse for miles.

Archie - Yeah, but Golly wasnít here.

Lexie - Thatís what I wanted to talk to you about. Nobodyís seen him in days. The ladies of the locality are worried about him.

Archie - ďThe ladies?Ē

Lexie - Apparently, they rely on Golly to, uh, address their womanly needs.

Archie - Golly?

Lexie - Well, donít look so shocked. Heís a ghillie, not a monk.

Archie - Well, yeah, but--

Lexie - The thing is . . . lately he hasnít been rising to the occasion.

Archie - Well, what am I supposed to do?

Lexie - Well, heís upset, and heís depressed. He needs to talk to someone.

Archie - But why me? I know nothing about it.

Lexie - Oh, really? Wouldnít you?

Archie - Iím not sure I really want to discuss this with you, Lexie.

Lexie - Well, I donít want to discuss it with you either, but Golly needs to discuss it with someone, and youíre the laird.


Woods surrounding Glenbogle

Archie - [wandering around, finally spots Golly] Oh, Golly, thank goodness. For a minute there I thought I was lost.

Golly - You were lost.

Archie - People have been asking after you.

Golly - I saw the weirdos arriving. Thought Iíd better make myself scarce.

Archie - Lizzieís friends.

Golly - I know the type. Nature lovers. Should spend a few nights in the open . . . see how much nature loves them.

Archie - So what have you been up to?

Golly - Ah, Iíve been looking for the stag, Big Eric. Thereís something wrong. Should be with the hinds. They need their sire and heís nowhere to be seen.

Archie - Maybe heís a little stressed.

Golly - ďStressed?Ē

Archie - Well, itís a vicious circle, isnít it? The more he worries about it, the worse it gets. Maybe he should learn to relax. Go with the flow, sort of thing.

Golly - ďGo with the flow?Ē Are we talking about a deer here, or a fish?

Archie - Well, um . . . neither actually.

Golly - What the hell are we talking about?

Archie - You, uh . . . your problem.

Golly - What problem would that be?

Archie - Well, your -- the lack of, um . . . [looks down, pointedly] you know.

Golly - [cocks and raises shotgun] Youíre lucky this gun is not loaded, your lairdship. Otherwise youíd be picking buckshot out of your tiny, skinny, aristocratic--

Archie - For goodness sake, Golly, itís not the end of the world. It happens to all of us.

Golly - Not to me it doesnít! [stalks off]

Archie - Golly, wait. You could at least point me in the direction of home.

Golly - Youíre the wildlife expert. You work it out.


6 - Pregnant

Dirt road

Katrina - [catching up with Archie as he walks] Hey, have you seen this? [holds up a pail]

Archie - New handbag?

Katrina - Well, Iím glad you think itís funny. That well hasnít dried up in thirty years.

Archie - Katrina, itís the first Iíve heard of it.

Katrina - Thatís just typical. You totally disrupt somebodyís life, and then you think if you flutter your big brown eyes theyíll just roll over.

Archie - Is this about your well?

Katrina - Yes, this is about my well.

Archie - Okay, then, Iím sorry. But if you go into your kitchen, youíll find these things called taps.

Katrina - That chlorinated widdle.

Archie - Itís good enough for the rest of us.

Katrina - Anyway, why do you need a spring if youíre opening an alternative health center?

Archie - Who says I am? Lizzie?

Katrina - Oh, come on, itís got to be better than sticking a great big bottling plant in the middle of the glen. Unless, of course, the Laird doesnít want to share his mansion with the common ruck.

Archie - Mm-hmm.


Glenbogle Estate grounds

Duncan - [to Janice] I donít have time. [Janice giggles and pulls him along by the hand. Lexie watches from upstairs window.]


Mollyís bedroom

Molly - [moaning] Oh, yes. Oh, Iím feeling tingly all the way up. Oh yes, how do you do it? Oh, how do you do it? Oh, yes, it really is so . . . ooh, just a little higher . . . oh! Oh, oh, oh, Iíve never dreamed it could be . . .

Hector - [barging into her room] All right, whatís going on?!

Molly - [sitting in a chair with her bare foot in Neilís lap] Oh, itís called reflexology. Itís absolutely astounding. [to Neil] Oh, no, no, no. Donít stop.

Hector - I see. Jolly good.

Molly - You should try it, darling.

Hector - I donít think so.

Molly - Oh, donít be so stodgy. Get Ďem off.

Hector - What?

Molly - Your shoes.

Hector - Oh! [chuckles]


Library, some time later

Hector - [wiggling his toes inside his shoes] It really is quite extraordinary. I thought those chaps just cut your toe nails.

Lizzie - Thatís chiropody, not reflexology.

Hector - Ah. You know, Lizzie, I really think youíre on to something.

Lizzie - Unfortunately, Archieís not convinced.

Molly - Archie, not even after Gerald found that spring?

Archie - It was a trick. Like he said, ďLots of people have the knack.Ē Anyone could have found it.

Lizzie - You didnít. How much did that survey cost?

Archie - Itís an investment. Weíll recoup it.

Lizzie - The alternative health center wouldnít need any investment, weíve got it all here.

Archie - Lizzie, Iím thinking in the long-term.

Lizzie - So am I. Iíd like to have my baby here.

Hector - What did she say?

Lizzie - Iím pregnant, daddy.

Molly - Oh, Lizzie!

Hector - Excellent! Absolutely splendid! Hear that, Archie? A grandson to carry on the family line.

Archie - Marvelous. Congratulations, Liz.

Lizzie - It might be a granddaughter.

Hector - Oh, yes, well. Better than nothing, isnít it?

Molly - Hector.

Hector - What?

Lizzie - Iíd like to sell the flat in London. I want my child to grow up here.

Molly - Oh, yes, Lizzie. Itíll be wonderful to have a child in the house again.

Hector - Absolutely. Even a girl.

Archie - Does, uh, does Gerald know? He is the father?

Lizzie - Yes, he does. He is.

Molly - Lizzie, I know Iím hopelessly old fashioned, but we havenít missed anything, have we? Like an engagement?

Lizzie - Mommy.

Hector - [groans] I see. [to Archie] Time you took matters in hand, I think.

Archie - Whatís this?

Hector - Keys to the shotgun rack.

Archie - Father, surely a rifle would be more humane.

Hector - Iím talking about family honor, damn it.

Archie - Well, itís a bit late to worry about that.

Hector - Very well.

Lizzie - Daddy, please donít make a scene.

Hector - I donít intend to. Gerald seems to be a gentleman. I shall merely remind him of his obligations. [leaves]


Lake shore

Hector - Gerald, a word with you.

Janice - Shh.

Gerald - Itís all right. Meet again this evening. [Janice, Neil, and Seabreeze leave]

Hector - Lizzieís just told us her good news.

Gerald - Oh, you must be very proud of her.

Hector - I understand you deserve some of the credit. In which case thereís probably something you want to ask me.

Gerald - Lizzie said it would be okay . . . to use the library.

Hector - ďLibrary?Ē

Gerald - For our healing session tonight. Youíre welcome to join us.

Hector - Thatís not what I meant.

Gerald - Youíre so lucky. This landscape just keeps the spirit in balance. I hear you donít swim in the loch any longer?

Hector - Used to . . . every day . . . once upon a time.

Gerald - Why did you stop?

Hector - Got old.

Gerald - Do you ever think that perhaps you got old because you stopped? Weíll be starting at seven, okay? [walks off]

Hector - Right-o. I -- hold on! [runs after him]


7 - No Healing in Denial

Downstairs foyer

[telephone rings]

Lexie - [answers phone] Glenbogle refuge for New Age dropouts. [pause] Hold on. Uh, Archie -- your favorite old hippie.

Archie - [takes phone] Hello?



Janice - I feel the need for approval. Thatís why Iím always throwing myself at people.

Gerald - And you hope that Duncan will catch you?

Archie - [enters] Oh, sorry.

Gerald - No, no. Please, come in.

Archie - I was looking for Lizzie.

Gerald - Sheís coming later. Please, take a seat.

Archie - All right. [sits on pillow amongst the others]

Gerald - We were just . . . just looking at events that shape our lives. [lights incense stick] Talking purges the spirit.

Archie - Ah, right. Colonic irrigation for the soul. [the others chuckle]

Gerald - We canít . . . bury the pain in our hearts . . .

Archie - No, absolutely.

Gerald - Is there anything that you would like to share?

Archie - Uh . . . nope. Nothing I can think of, sorry.

Gerald - What about what you canít think of? Your brother . . . Jamie?

Archie - What?

Gerald - The boating accident on the loch? When Jamie drowned. I know you must feel terrible guilt.

Archie - You know nothing of the sort. Excuse me. [leaves]

Gerald - Archie, there is no healing in denial.


Lizzieís bedroom

Archie - [enters] Lizzie, have you got a minute? I donít care who you and Gerald try to fool, but just leave the family out of it. Okay?

Lizzie - Whatís the matter?

Archie - Heís been interrogating me about Jamie, for one thing.

Lizzie - It happened to me, too, Archie. But no, it just has to be about you, doesnít it?

Archie - What?

Lizzie - After Jamie died, it was like I didnít exist. Everyone was so worried about poor wee Archie. You got all Hectorís affection.

Archie - What affection?

Lizzie - Then when things go wrong, who do they ask for? Wee Archie, who never gave them a thought since he left. Iím older then you, no one ever asked me.

Archie - Because the best you can come up with is some failed double glazing salesman whoís masquerading as a guru.

Lizzie - Youíve been checking up on Gerald?

Archie - Of course I have. Heís an undischarged bankrupt.

Lizzie - For goodness sake, Archie, I could have told you that if youíd asked me.

Archie - You mean you knew?

Lizzie - Geraldís abilities are real. Youíve seen them.


Stream in woods

Gerald - Is that what it looks like?

Golly - What does it look like?

Gerald - Like youíre hard on poachers.

Golly - Iím building a new hide.

Gerald - Iím Gerald.

Golly - I know who you are.

Gerald - Did you wanna hand?

Golly - Iím not entirely useless. Yet.

Gerald - Lonely up here.

Golly - Solitary. Not the same thing.

Gerald - All the same. Thereís no one to see your pain.

Golly - Who says Iím in pain?

Gerald - You know, the South American Indians believe that . . . we each of us have a spirit animal.

Golly - Uh-huh.

Gerald - Mineís the salmon.

Golly - Iím Church of Scotland, myself.

Gerald - Yours will be the stag.

Golly - There are no stags round here.

Gerald - Well, when there are . . . youíll start to feel better. Easy on the poachers, eh? [leaves]


8 - Hectorís Weak Point

River bank

Duncan - Thereís an osprey nesting nearby. She hunts on that stretch of water just there.

Janice - Amazing.

Duncan - When she dives for a fish, it will take your breath away.

Janice - Duncan, you know I said I was into the birds and the bees?

Duncan - Oh, yeah, the hives, theyíre just a wee bit further up the glen.

Janice - This isnít quite what I meant.

Duncan - What? [Janice kisses him, he pulls away]

Janice - Whatís the matter?

Duncan - Nothing. I just feel a wee bit . . . exposed, you know?

Janice - You think thereís a wild cat out there stalking us? [they chuckle, Duncan kisses her]

Lexie - [in distance] Ow!

Duncan - What?

Janice - Oi!

Lexie - : [coming out of the trees] Holy -- you nearly scared the life out of me there.

Duncan - Lexie, what are you after?

Lexie - Mushrooms. No need to ask what youíre after.

Janice - We havenít got very far, if thatís whatís bothering you.

Lexie - Why should I be bothered?

Janice - 35,000 acres and youíre picking mushrooms round here? Look, if you two have got something going, Iíd really like to know about it.

Lexie - Youíve been on the mushrooms yourself, pet.

Janice - [to Duncan] Well?


Sandy beach

[Archie picks up blue towel lying in sand]

Hector - [splashing in lake] Help! Help! My leg! Ah! Help! Help! [Archie takes off running, out into the water]

Duncan - Whoís that?

Hector - Help! Help me!

Duncan - [sees him] Oh, no. [Archie reaches Hector, Duncan runs down the beach toward them] Get help, Lexie! [splashes out into the water to meet them as they limp to shore]


Downstairs foyer

Hector - I swam that loch every day when I was younger.

Molly - Youíre not younger any more.

Hector - Nonsense. All in the mind.

Lexie - Thereís a fair bit in your lungs as well.

Hector - I got cramped, thatís all -- the way you cook, itís lucky I could float, never mind swim. Drink!

Molly - Oh no, no. Help me get him upstairs.

Hector - I donít want any help!

Molly - Youíll take it whether you want it or not, you silly old goose. [Hector grumbles as they lead him upstairs]



Gerald - [as Archie enters] Archie, I am so sorry. I had no idea heíd take me so literally.

Archie - Iíve had just about enough of this. Itís time you and your friends left.

Lizzie - No, Archie!

Archie - Lizzie, what else does he have to do?

Lizzie - You canít blame Gerald for Hectorís behavior.

Archie - Father is sensitive about his age and his health. Gerald knew that. But thatís your trick, isnít it? Finding peopleís weak points.

Lizzie - Oh, for goodness sake, Archie.

Archie - You might fool everyone else, but you donít fool me.

Lizzie - This is my home as much as yours.

Archie - Lizzie!

Lizzie - I say he stays. Come on, Gerald. [they leave]


Katrinaís house

Lizzie - It drives me insane, the way he lords it over everyone. Iíd like to burn that stupid house down just to see the look on his face.

Katrina - Come on, Lizzie, donít you think he might have a point?

Lizzie - Gerald gives people advice. How they act on it isnít his problem. [pulls out a cigarette] Have you got a light?

Katrina - What about the baby?

Lizzie - Katrina, itís bad enough when Archie pretends to be everyoneís guardian angel, the sanctimonious creep.


Hectorís bedroom

Archie - [enters to find Hector asleep in the bath] Ahem!

Hector - Hmm-- Now what? Canít a man even have forty winks?

Archie - Not in the bath. Not unless you really do want to drown yourself. Are you sure you wonít see that doctor?

Hector - Perhaps you should. You look like death.

Archie - Well, Iíve had a bit of a shock.

Hector - Oh, Iíd no idea Iíd raised such a delicate flower.

Archie - Fine. And next time Gerald suggests hydrotherapy, let me know, okay?

Hector - I donít need a second opinion, thank you very much. Young Gerald has a lot more sense than some people I know. [Archie leaves]



Molly - Iíll say it for him, ďThank you.Ē And Iím sorry he put you through this.

Archie - Itís not his fault. Gerald is the liability.

Molly - But he meant well. And he makes Lizzie so happy.

Archie - Hmm. [leaves]


9 - Archieís Choice

Woods surrounding Glenbogle

[Golly walks through the woods, looking for signs of Big Eric. Eventually he finds tracks that lead him to the buck.]


Katrinaís house

Radio - West Highland FM. West Highland FM with the latest in weather and travel. Today, sunshine with showers. The rain most likely in the middle of the day. Maximum temperature 18 degrees5--

[Katrina, brushing her teeth, opens medicine cabinet to find open box of tampons.]


Estate Office

Archie - Morning.

Katrina - Your new friends are eating you out of house and home.

Archie - Ah well, theyíll soon be paying their way [?].

Katrina - Youíre strangely cheerful.

Archie - Listen, I, um . . .

Katrina - What?

Archie - I really appreciate the work that you do. I hope youíll be staying on.

Katrina - ďStaying on?Ē Why wouldnít I be staying on?

Archie - Oh, well youíll have to speak to Lizzie about that one, Iím afraid.

Katrina - Archie--

Archie - Iím handing it all over to Lizzie. Sheís got a big idea, sheís got a baby on the way, sheís got Gerald. And everyone else seems to think the sun shines out of his armpits, so . . .

Katrina - What about your duty to your tenants? Your loyalty to your clan? All those traditions youíre supposed to uphold?

Archie - [scoffs] Katrina, can you hear yourself?

Katrina - Well, I know itís all nonsense, but . . . you canít just -- walk out.

Archie - Watch me. [leaves]


Dining room

Archie - [enters] Lizzie, Gerald, hi. Here are the account books. Katrina can help you with any queries. Correspondence from the bank, all pretty self-explanatory. The estate records are all filed properly, so you shouldnít have any trouble managing.

Lizzie - Managing what?

Archie - The estate. Your healing centerís a wonderful idea.

Lizzie - You donít really believe that.

Archie - It doesnít matter what I believe. I wish you all the best, and I hope itís a huge success.

Lizzie - Where are you going?

Archie - Back to London. Packing today, leaving tomorrow first thing. Itís all yours.


Downstairs foyer

Hector - Whatís all this nonsense about you leaving? Youíve got responsibilities.

Archie - I donít want them. I never have. If Lizzie does, sheís welcome to them. She wants to do things her way and you prefer her way to mine, so . . .

Molly - Archie, donít ask us to choose between the two of you.

Archie - Iíd never do that. I donít want to hear the answer.


Glenbogle Estate grounds

Lizzie - Iím not forcing him to leave, Katrina.

Katrina - Even when you announced you were pregnant and moving back home?

Lizzie - Itís a big house. Thereís plenty of room for all of us.

Katrina - Thereís a couple of things missing from my bathroom cabinet.

Lizzie - Iím sorry, Iíll buy you some more.

Katrina - Thatís not the point. Pregnant women usually donít need them. I cant believe youíd lie about something like that just to spite Archie.

Lizzie - I didnít. I swear, I didnít. It was an honest mistake. I just . . . jumped the gun. I want a baby. I love Gerald. And Iím sick of postponing my life for the sake of my so-called career.

Katrina - Are you going to tell your parents?

Lizzie - Thereíll be other chances.

Katrina - Are you going to tell Archie?

Lizzie - Are you? Heíll still leave, Katrina. Heís too stubborn to change his mind.

Katrina - And is that what you want?

Lizzie - I want whatís best for Glenbogle. Archieís not the only one who loves this place.


10 - Full Moon

Aliceís house

Alice - [putting saucer of milk on back step] There you go, Angus.

[Golly walks in, Alice smiles]


Lizzieís bedroom

Lizzie - Iím not sure itís gonna happen. Weíll never get on.

Gerald - Well . . . youíre a fire child, and Archieís earth.

Lizzie - I thought he was hot air.

Gerald - No, thatís your dad.

Lizzie - Thereís something Iíve got to tell you.

Gerald - Oh, shh. Listen to the moon.


River bank, night

Katrina - If youíre heading for London, itís the other direction.

Archie - How did you find me?

Katrina - I wasnít looking for you. Youíve got to speak to Lizzie.

Archie - Thereís nothing to say. She canít stand the sight of me.

Katrina - Thatís not true.

Archie - Well, itís mutual, anyway. Sheís so scatty and dizzy and full of energy.

Katrina - And sheís your sister and you love her. Talk to her, Archie.

Archie - I canít. Every time I see her, I think of when the three of us were kids.

Katrina - Is that why she makes you so angry? Because she reminds you of Jamie?

Archie - Donít, you sound like Gerald.

Katrina - Maybe you should listen to him.

Archie - Oh, please, all that twaddle about the erotic power of the moon.

Katrina - I suppose this is goodbye.

Archie - Well, youíll be coming down to London sometime, will you?

Katrina - No.

Archie - Right. Well, then . . . goodbye. [clouds obscure the moon] Bloody hell, itís dark out here.

Katrina - Did you bring a torch?

Archie - No.

Katrina - What are you like?

Archie - Well, have you?

Katrina - Here, take my hand. Stay close.


Janiceís bedroom

Janice - [waiting in bed for Duncan to come, becomes frustrated] Duncan! [punches pillow] You creep!



Lexie - [as Duncan enters] What are you looking for?

Duncan - Iíll give you a clue. Itís not mushrooms. [slams door closed]


Hectorís bedroom

Hector - [trying to get comfortable in his bed] Perhaps itís better if he does go. If he canít stand the heat, he should get out of Scotland.

Molly - Quite right, dear.

Hector - Oh, donít talk nonsense. Canít we lock him in his room or something till he calms down?

Molly - Weíll just have to let them slug it out.

Hector - [hearing pots banging and voices downstairs] Sounds like theyíre at it already. God almighty, itís like trying to sleep in a brothel.

Molly - Mm, Ďtis, isnít it?

Lexie - [from downstairs] Duncan!

Hector - [to Molly] What?

Molly - Iíve brought you a nice milky drink.

Hector - I donít want a nice milky drink unless itís got whisky in it.

Molly - Oh, there must be something we can do to help you sleep.


Marieís house

Marie - [sitting up in bed] Hello? [looks through doorway as Golly enters]


11 - You Have to Stay

Downstairs foyer

Golly - [whistling] Archie. Fine day for a journey.

Archie - You look a bit happier.

Golly - Oh, I am, I am. Iím less . . . stressed.

Archie - Ah, so Big Ericís back in town?

Golly - Mm. And that Gerald, though, he has his head screwed on . . . for a weirdo.

Archie - Mm.

Golly - Mm. [leaves]

Archie - Great. Rub it in.



Lexie - Away and shoot a small-brained animal . . . preferably yourself.

Duncan - You canít pretend last night didnít happen.

Lexie - Last night you pushed me on the kitchen table and stuck your tongue in my ear. It doesnít mean weíre betrothed.

Duncan - Thereís more to it than that, and I think you know it.

Lexie - Here . . . [hands him a plate of food] go make up with wee Janice.


Dining room

[Duncan sets plate next to Janice, who pointedly ignores him]

Archie - Oh, Duncan, will you bring the car round?

Duncan - Yeah, sure, boss.

Archie - Thanks. [Duncan leaves]

Hector - [enters] Morning all, and what a splendid morning it is. [leads Molly in by the hand]

Archie - Father, I know youíre upset, but--

Hector - About what? Oh, yes, your abdication! I think Iíll get over it. [yells into kitchen] Lexie, a large plate of your finest cinders.

Lizzie - [enters] Archie, were those your bags out in the hall?

Archie - Yeah, sorry, are they in the way?

Lizzie - Not any more. I told Duncan to take them back upstairs.

Archie - Lizzie.

Lizzie - Just listen to me for once. I made a mistake. Iím not having a baby.

Gerald - Not yet.

Molly - Oh, Lizzie.

Lizzie - I thought I was. Well, part of me did. And part of me just wanted to get one over on Archie. And thatís no way to start a new life. Iím sorry. [leaves]

Hector - Oh, well. Ball back in your court, old man. [looks at Archie, who follows Lizzie out]


Lizzieís bedroom

Archie - Liz . . . come on. [they hug] You can try again.

Lizzie - Donít leave, Archie. Youíre the one to save this place. I can never stick at anything long enough.

Archie - Iím sorry I wouldnít listen. It was just pig-headed vanity. Your centerís a great idea.

Lizzie - But it needs thinking through. Not my specialty. You have to stay. Mommy and daddy need you. And one deluded local.

Archie - Who?

Lizzie - [smiling through her tears] Thatís my wee brother. Canít see whatís under his nose.



Molly - [to Janice] Dear child, take care of yourself. Itís been so lovely having you to stay.

Archie - Lizzie, you donít have to rush off.

Lizzie - Iíd better get back before they sell the flat.

Archie - Well, weíre here whenever you need us. Iím here.

Lizzie - I know.

Archie - I was too hard on Gerald. Heís, uh . . . heís different.

Lizzie - He is, isnít he? And if you ever need these windows replacing, heís your man. Anyway . . .

Archie - Good luck. [they hug]

Lizzie - Bye, mom.

Molly - Oh, Lizzie darling. [they hug]

Hector - Ah, bye, Lizzie. [they hug] Have a good trip.

Lizzie - Bye.


Katrinaís house

Katrina - I know, I could run a hose pipe to the well and fill it with tap water.

Archie - What do you want me to do? Bung a big cork in the spring?

Katrina - [looks toward well] Golly?

Golly - [drinking from dipper in well pail] Is it okay? Scree-fall up the glen diverted the burn. I cleared it the other day. Water tableís back up.

Archie - So it had nothing to do with the spring?

Golly - Water rarely runs uphill, Archie. Thanks for the drink. [leaves]

Katrina - If youíre still looking for a bottling plant, I know one going cheap.

Archie - Where?

Katrina - Put it this way, whatís in it for me?

Archie - Katrina, where? Tell me.

Katrina - Might do.

Archie - No, seriously.

Katrina - Ask nicely.

Archie - Katrina, please, will you just tell me?

Katrina - Ooh, getting desperate now.


End of Episode 5, Series 1


1. 15 degrees - 15 Celcius = 59 Fahrenheit Back to transcript

2. kedgeree - Tradional Scottish recipe created by a Scottish regiment serving in India; combines Indian curry with smoked fish (Glen Finnan haddock, preferably). Back to transcript

3. ghillie - A guide or assistant to a game-hunter or fisherman, especially in Scotland. From Gaelic gille (boy) Back to transcript

4. D.I.Y. - Do It Yourself Back to transcript

5. 18 degrees - 18 Celcius = 64.4 Fahrenheit Back to transcript

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