Monarch of the Glen

Episode Transcripts


Series 1, Episode 6

Based on the novels by Compton MacKenzie

Produced by Nick Pitt
Directed by A.J. Quinn
Written by Patrick Wilde

For BBC Scotland
Airdate: April 2, 2000


Zzickle's Notes:

I don't own Monarch of the Glen - The contents of this transcript are taken directly from the episode (with help of closed captions), to the best of my ability.

These transcripts were made because 1. My dad has trouble understanding some of the very Scottish accents (and colloquialisms), 2. The DVDs have closed captions, not subtitles, which can only be viewed on our computer, not with any TV DVD players, and 3. Even on the computer, the captions are very hard to read because of the way that they overlap on top of each other.

If you want to post this transcript on your site, please let me know where it is going so I can visit it. Also, please post it with my name (Zzickle) and website ( on it.

You are more than welcome to use these transcripts in your fanfiction stories, no notification required.

Cast List:

Archie MacDonald - Alastair Mackenzie
              Laird of Glenbogle

Hector MacDonald - Richard Briers
              Archie's father

Molly MacDonald - Susan Hampshire
              Archie's mother

Golly Mackenzie - Alexander Morton
              Estate groundskeeper

Lexie MacDonald - Dawn Steele
              Estate housekeeper

Duncan McKay - Hamish Clark
              Estate handyman

Katrina Finlay - Loraine Pilkington
              head school teacher

Angus Kilwillie - Julian Fellowes
              Hectorís friend

Flora Kilwillie - Morag Siller
              Kilwillieís daughter

Roger - Rory McCann
              Kilwillieís race partner

Fiona Lennox - Hilary Lyon
              marketing agent

Gavin - Tom Smith


1 - Kilwillieís Challenge

Front room

Hector - Theyíll be here any minute.

Golly - Calm down, Hector.

Hector - We havenít won this race for years. Itís time to restore the family honor, Golly! [looks out window as Kilwillie and Flora ride up on horses, accompanied by footmen playing bagpipes] Here they come.



Hector - Right on time, Kilwillie.

Kilwillie - Lovely day, old chap.

Hector - Yes, isnít it?

Kilwillie - Well, where is he?

Hector - Whereís who?

Kilwillie - Why, Archie, of course.

Hector - Arenít you here to declare your intention to race against me?

Kilwillie - Well, not you, Hector. The Flight of the Maiden boat race is between the Laird of Kilwillie Castle and the Laird of Glenbogle.

Golly - Oh, dear.


2 - Main Titles

[opening credits]


3 - Archieís Acceptance


Kilwillie - [reading from a piece of parchment] And in accordance with the custom, I invite the Laird and the man of his choice to race against me and the man of my choice [indicates Roger] to rescue a fair maiden.

Flora - Thatís me.

Kilwillie - Do you, as a true and honest man, undertake to accept this solemn challenge as is your right and duty?

Archie - [aside to Golly] Heís worse than a wedding.

Hector - [hushed] Answer him, man!

Archie - What do I say?

Golly - I do.

Kilwillie - Well?

Archie - Oh . . . I do. I very much do.


Front room

Hector - This race has been rowed the same way for nearly 200 years.

Archie - Father, I really donít have time for all this.

Hector - Oh, in that case Iíll tell Kilwillie Iím taking your place.

Molly - The Laird has to rise to the challenge. Besides, Archie used to be jolly good at rowing.

Hector - Your grandfather, there was an oarsman. Won this race every time.

Archie - Iím expecting these people from Glasgow any minute.

Hector - What was that?

Archie - Oh, nothing for you to worry about.

Hector - Who are these people youíre meeting?

Molly - Theyíre coming to help Archie market the spring water. Itís nothing sinister.

Hector - Of course itís sinister! Theyíre from Glasgow.

Molly - Why donít you go and enjoy yourself?

Hector - How, exactly?

Molly - Oh, I donít know. Shoot something. That usually cheers you up.


Katrinaís house

Man on radio - And later weíll be talking to the Chief Executive of the Highland Council to find out what role the Highlands has to play in the new, developed Scotland and ask whether rule from Westminster is simply going to be replaced by rule from Edinburgh.

[Katrina sits at table, staring at unopened envelope]

Davey (on radio) - Donít trust any of Ďem. If in any doubt, I wouldnít trust them--

Man on radio - --says Davey. But who can you trust then?

[Katrina grabs letter opener and tears into envelope]

Davey - Certainly not the [?Kyle?] Thistle defense. After two superbly crafted goals in the first half, they snatched defeat from the jaws of victory last night, going down 3-2 against a revived Clydebank. All the bankieís goals--

Katrina - [reading letter] Yes! [jumps up and down excitedly] Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!



Fiona - [standing by car parked above Katrinaís house, talking into cell phone] I can just about hear you, Archie. Iím afraid weíre lost.

Katrina - [walking past] Iím sorry, no photos. Iíve only just heard the news myself. And you can tell your colleague Iím not ready to give interviews.

Gavin - [camera hanging from his neck] Come again?

Fiona - [into phone] Okay, yeah. Think Iíve got that. See you in a bit then. Yeah.

Katrina - But I will say I intend to win, and when I do, Iíll do all I can for the real people of this area. [climbs on her bike and rides off]

Gavin - My mother always warned me not to come this far north.

Fiona - Iíll bet she also told you to keep away from strange men.


Lake shore

Duncan - I tell you, Iím away from Glenbogle for good.

Golly - And what has Lexie done now?

Duncan - Donít talk to me about women. Iím done with women!

Lexie - [approaching, carrying a large fish] Is this your idea of a joke, Duncan?

Duncan - Sorry?

Lexie - [holds up the pike] I found this hanging in the washing line.

Golly - That mustíve given you a nasty turn, great ugly face just staring at you.

Lexie - Iím used to that. Spend all day round him. [nods toward Duncan] Well?

Duncan - Itís got nothing to do with me.

Lexie - Well, someone put it there.

Golly - Or something. [they look at him] Have you never heard of Red Bonnet?


4 - Fiona and Gavin


Archie - Itís nonsense, Golly.

Golly - You used to believe. ďPlease, Golly,Ē youíd say, ďplease tell us the tale of Red Bonnet and his treasure.Ē

Archie - Yeah, when I was six. I didnít know you really believed all that stuff.

Golly - Archie, lad, in matters of the other world, itís best to keep an open mind. That fish could be the pointer to untold riches.

Archie - [watches as car pulls up] So could that spring water project if these people do a good job. Just make sure they get a feel for the place, okay?

Fiona - Archie. Hi, Fiona Lennox, Lennox Marketing.

Gavin - [looking at Golly, who is dressed in kilt and beret] Great costume.

Fiona - Oh, and this is Gavin.

Archie - Welcome to Glenbogle.

Fiona - Thank you. [to Golly] Hello.



Lexie - Might actually win this year with you and Archie rowing.

Duncan - Aye, itíd be nice to go out on a bang.

Lexie - ďGo outĒ?

Duncan - Iím leaving.

Lexie - Right. The best way is to decide where the door is, put one foot in front of the other and pass through it, taking care to open it, of course.

Duncan - No, I mean for good.

Lexie - Why is that then?

Duncan - Well . . . Iíve always felt I was born to live a more exciting life, like the song says, ďin a city that never sleeps.Ē

Lexie - Such as?

Duncan - Dundee. [Lexie frowns] A place where I can discover my true potential.

Lexie - And what did you have in mind, particle physics?

Duncan - Mock all you like. Iím born for greater things.

Molly - [enters] Lexie, dear, Iím looking for the biggest cake tin weíve got.


Downstairs foyer

Golly - [posing by mounted deer head for photos] Listen . . . [stammers] There are things I have to be doing, you know? [camera flashes again]

Gavin - Just one more. Great. And again.

Fiona - And this is what we did for the Pit Lochry spring water. [shows Archie a plastic bottle]

Archie - Right. Great.

Fiona - Weíll have to do your logo and find the right image for the artwork--

Katrina - [storms in] Donít tell her anything, Archie!

Archie - Iím sorry?

Katrina - You lot donít waste any time, do you?

Archie - Katrina, this is Fiona. Sheís--

Katrina - From the press. Iím sorry, Archie. I wanted to tell you myself. Why is Golly posing like that?

Archie - Like what? [turns to look]

Gavin - [to Golly] Look to me. To me.

Katrina - Like heís in an ad for shortbread.

Fiona - Oh, not shortbread -- water.



Katrina - A marketing company.

Archie - I found them in the yellow pages.

Katrina - And their master plan is to put Gollyís hairy legs on the label?

Archie - Theyíre just trying to capture a feel for the place.

Katrina - What?

Archie - To attract outside investment.

Katrina - Outside investment means outside control. The only reason I agreed to help you with this was because the spring could mean jobs for people round here.

Archie - So how else are we gonna raise the money?

Katrina - Iíve been selected as candidate for the local council election. [hands Archie the letter]



Fiona - [to Hector, who walks out swinging a racing oar] Excuse me.



Katrina - ďWell done, Katrina. You must be so pleased.Ē

Archie - How much time is this gonna take up?

Katrina - Archie, youíre not my employer. Anyway, itís the school holidays. Iíll have plenty of time to campaign.

Archie - Which will leave you no time at all to help me find funding for the spring.

Katrina - Weíve got to think long term. I might be able to get us funding if I win this election.

Archie - Great. Iíll tell you what, as backup, Iíll buy a lottery ticket.

Katrina - Thanks very much for the vote of confidence.

Archie - You know that Kilwillieís held that council seat for centuries.

Katrina - Kilwillieís been systematically exploiting this land for--

Archie - All right, youíre not on the hustings1 yet.

Katrina - Trust you not to take an interest in anyone but yourself. [leaves as Fiona enters] Excuse me.

Fiona - Um, I asked your butler to take our bags to our rooms.

Archie - ďButlerĒ?

Fiona - Mm.



Golly - Hector, she wasnít to know.

Archie - Father . . . this is Fiona Lennox, from Glasgow. [takes off after Katrina, who is walking away] Katrina, wait!

Fiona - I-- Iím so sorry, Mr. MacDonald. I-I just didnít realize who you were. [laughs weakly]

Hector - Why should you?

Golly - Iíll fetch help for the bags.

Archie - [to Katrina] Look, I was only trying to move things along a bit.

Katrina - Thatís not the point. Why didnít you tell me? We talked about working on the spring water project as a team. If weíre a team, you should consult me on everything.

Archie - I know. Iím sorry. Look, why donít you come round tonight and weíll talk strategy?

Katrina - What about Saatchi and Saatchi?

Archie - Iíll tell them I need a private chat about the project.

Katrina - Our project.

Archie - Okay. Tell you what, apparently a friendly spirit brought us a pike last night.

Katrina - A what?

Archie - Donít ask. But I could . . . cook it, you know.

Katrina - Iíd better go and earn my supper by looking over those accounts.


5 - The Ring


Lexie - So thatís where all my mixed peel went.

Molly - [removing cake from oven] Well . . . donít they always say, dear, the quickest way to a manís heart is through his stomach?

Lexie - My mother always said it was straight through the ribs with a boning knife. [looks at cake] Didnít think it was anyoneís birthday for a bit.

Molly - No. No, itís not.


Downstairs foyer

Fiona - Gavin, I think you should let Archie show you around the estate.

Gavin - Mm. Super. [to Duncan] Careful with that. Itís expensive equipment.

Fiona - [to Golly as he follows Duncan up the stairs] Oh, uh . . . whoís that?

Golly - Uh, itís Duncan.

Fiona - Very cute.

Golly - Donít waste your time on him, he isnít interested in lassies.

Gavin - [to himself] Is that so?


Estate Office

Fiona - [enters] Hi.

Katrina - Hello.

Fiona - I was told there was a fax machine. [Katrina points] Okay.

Katrina - Listen, Iím sorry about my behavior earlier. It mustíve seemed a bit odd.

Fiona - Oh, itís okay. Archie explained everything.

Katrina - [to herself] Did he now? Good old Archie.

Fiona - You must be thrilled to be selected, though. Congratulations.

Katrina - Do you know, youíre the first person to say that?

Fiona - Well, I know how much it means.

Katrina - Really?

Fiona - Oh, Iíve been in the party for years. Often thought about standing myself, but . . . never quite had the time or . . . maybe the bottle. Anyway, win or lose, youíre doing a really good thing, Katrina.

Katrina - Well, thank you very much.


Lake shore

Lexie - So, Roger, did Kilwillie send you down here to spy on us?

Golly - Leave the lad alone. Heís here just to help with the launching site.

Lexie - [watching Roger shift large blocks of stone] So . . . Roger . . . how often do you work out? [smiles at Duncan as he stumbles up and drops a block on the pile.]


Estate Office

Katrina - People around here should be running their own affairs, running the estate, the spring water scheme, instead of tolerating some outdated feudal regime.

Fiona - You make it sound like Glenbogleís still in the dark ages.

Katrina - Well, it is. I mean, take this silly boat race theyíre having tomorrow.

Fiona - A boat race?

Katrina - Grown men pretending to rescue defenseless maidens from across the loch.

Fiona - It just sounds like a bit of . . . fun.

Katrina - Well, it is. But itís backward-looking. Itís like when we play the English at football, all those banners saying ďRemember Bannockburn.Ē When are we going to forget about the past and do something about the future?

Fiona - So, whatís your game plan for the election?

Katrina - Game plan?

Fiona - Campaign strategy? I take it you have one?


Lake shore

Lexie - [still watching Roger] You know, living round here, you forget how fantastic the scenery is.

Duncan - [struggling in the water with a block] I can manage. [Roger splashes out to him] I said I can-- [drops block into water]

Roger - Aah!

Lexie - Roger! Are you all right?

Duncan - It was an accident!

[Roger, holding his foot, finds a ring under the water]



Hector - Yes, itís the ring, all right.

Archie - And whatís so special about it?

Molly - Itís the Lairdís ring, Archie, passed down through generations.

Hector - To my eternal shame, I lost it some years ago.

Archie - Well, now youíve got it back again.

Hector - Itís Kilwillieís now.

Archie - What?

Golly - The tradition says that the ring belongs to the clan that finds it.

Hector - And Kilwillieís man found it.

Archie - Youíre joking. Surely you can prove itís ours.

Molly - I donít think your 16th century ancestor kept the receipt, Archie.

Archie - 16th century? Must be worth a fortune. This could be the answer to all our problems.

Hector - My father gave me that ring. His father gave it to him, just as every Laird did for nearly 400 years. There are more important things in life than money, and even if we still did have it, Iíd never sell it. Never, do you hear? [leaves]

Archie - I was only thinking of him . . . of all this.

Molly - I know.


Lake shore

Fiona - So what do you know about the other candidates then?

Katrina - Thereís only one worth worrying about, and heís over there. Angus Kilwillie.


Kilwillie - [looking at the ring] Itís quite an interesting little trinket. [to Roger] Well done. [to Golly] Thank you.

Golly - Itís Red Bonnet you have to thank.

Kilwillie - [laughs] Another wivesí tale.

Golly - All the same, best to keep an open mind in matters of the other world.

Kilwillie - Thereís only one world that matters, Golly, and this is it. A manís got to take control of his own destiny.


Katrina - Sitting councilor, local landowner, and robber baron. Heís had the place in his pocket for years.

Fiona - And what sleaze do we have on him?

Katrina - Sorry?

Fiona - You know, dirt. Scandal.

Katrina - Hang on, youíre not in Glasgow now. We donít run those type of campaigns around here.

Fiona - Oh, really? So how come heís been in office so long then? I bet he has his tricky little ways and means.

Kilwillie - [walking up the beach] Miss Finlay. I gather youíre standing against me.

Katrina - How did you know that? I only found out this morning.

Kilwillie - Oh . . . Iíve got my ways and means. [chuckles] So whatís your platform?

Fiona - Oh, youíll find out soon enough, Mr. Kilwillie.

Kilwillie - Going to throw our last dastardly landowners out, are you? Oh, dear me. Better get home and pull up my drawbridge. [laughs] Well, good luck. And may the best man win. [walks off laughing]

Katrina - Now that you mention it, there was a bit of gossip about him and a certain lady from Loch Nacree.


6 - A Business Dinner


Hector - [brandishing a sword] Hah!

Molly - [enters, jumps back] Hector!

Hector - Havenít you heard of knocking?

Molly - If you want to get rid of me, itís less messy to sue for divorce! What are you playing at?

Hector - [stalking after her, sword at the ready] All is not lost!

Molly - Hector, please!

Hector - The only way to get that ring back is by combat!

Molly - Combat?

Hector - I shall challenge Kilwillie!

Molly - You will do no such thing! [Hector flails the sword about] Hector, now get a grip. You are not a child anymore.

Hector - Really? Then why does everybody treat me like one? ďDonít you worry about it, Hector.Ē ďNone of your business, Hector.Ē ďGo and play with your toys, Hector.Ē Well, I know when Iím not needed!

Molly - Hector, I just came to tell you that I . . . [Hector leaves] made you a cake. [door slams]


Glenbogle Estate grounds

Lexie - So, no one special back in Glasgow then, nice boy like you?

Gavin - Iíve just come out of a messy relationship.

Lexie - Really? What was he like? Itís always the cute ones, isnít it?

Gavin - [looks to where Duncan is chopping wood] Whyís he always so miserable?

Lexie - He thinks that a place like this has got nothing to offer someone like him.

Gavin - Heís right there. [calls out] Hey, Duncan.

Duncan - What?

Gavin - How about I get some shots of you?

Duncan - Oh. Sure.

[Lexie smirks to herself]


Dining room

Archie - Once she starts with this election nonsense, Iíll never see her.

Molly - Well, then stop referring to it as nonsense. People find different things important. You should encourage Katrina more, listen to her more. Thatís the secret of a good partnership.

Archie - I suppose youíre right.

Molly - Isnít that how it works with Justine?

Archie - Well, thatís different.

Molly - Well, of course it is. Sheís your girlfriend. It must be a very understanding relationship if it can work while youíre both so far apart.

Archie - Yes, it must be.

Molly - You must miss her very much.

Archie - Right. Iíll just go and check on that fish.

Molly - Oh, tell Lexie Iíll be eating upstairs.

Archie - You sure you donít mind?

Molly - Of course not. Iíll leave you and Katrina to have a good time.

Archie - Itís a business dinner, mother.

Molly - Of course it is.



Lexie - [looking at whole pike on platter surrounded by garnish] Katrina will never eat that.

Archie - Iíll have you know this is a big delicacy in certain parts of Europe, a recipe known only to a few. Anyway, I called Justine for some advice.

Lexie - Oh, really? ďDarling, Iím doing a candlelight dinner for Katrina. Could you help me perk up my pike?Ē

Archie - Just shut up and drain the veg.

Lexie - But you did tell her who it was for, right?

Archie - In your own time.


Downstairs foyer

[Archie, tired of waiting for Katrina, who hasnít shown for dinner, dials the phone]

Katrina - Hello? I can hardly hear you.

Archie - Youíre an hour late.

Katrina - What? The lineís really bad.

Archie - Look, Iíll come over to your place.

Katrina - Oh . . . Archie, I am so sorry. This is so embarrassing. [looks down over railing at Archie, turns off her phone] Fiona and I just got talking.

Archie - [looking up at Katrina] How could you forget?

Katrina - [makes her way down the stairs] Fiona was helping me draw up my manifesto. Sheís in the party. Iím so sorry.

Archie - Fionaís working for me.

Katrina - I thought she was working for us.


Dining room

[Archie and Katrina sit across from each other, eating silently]

Archie - Could you pass the salt, please?

Katrina - [slides salt over to him] Pepper?

Archie - No, thanks.


Glenbogle Estate grounds

[headstone reads: Angus Neilson MacDonald DSO / Died April 2nd 1959 / Aged 63 years / Beloved Father of Hector / Sacred to the Memory]

Hector - He was a magnificent sight, my father . . . thrashing his way through the waters. Never lost a boat race -- ever. Fine huntsman, too. Everybody looked up to him. People still needed him . . . until the day he died. [turns to his dogs] Who needs me, eh?


Dining room

Archie - I--

Katrina - [at the same time] I was just--

Archie - After you.

Katrina - Go ahead.

Archie - I just wanted to say Iím really pleased you were nominated for the election.

Katrina - Thank you.

Archie - So you think you might be able to get us the money for the spring if you win?

Katrina - Listen, could we discuss this tomorrow? Itís just that Fiona -- I promised her I wouldnít be long.

Archie - Fine. I thought you wanted to talk about it tonight.

Katrina - Come on, the springís not going to dry up overnight.

Archie - No, but Justineís patience might.

Katrina - Oh. So thatís what this is about.

Archie - Sorry?

Katrina - You want to get the spring up and running as soon as possible so you can skip back to your girlfriend in London.

Archie - I do not skip.

Katrina - Where you can manage your swanky restaurant and get back to what you probably call normality.

Archie - You seem very sure of what I want.

Katrina - You know youíre not going to stay here forever. Go on then. Tell me that youíve decided to stay and run the estate. [Archie says nothing] Tell me that this is more important to you than anything else.


7 - The Story of Barrach-Bayne

Gollyís House

Golly - Iím as cynical as the next man, but best to keep an open mind where the other world is concerned.

Archie - If it exists, I hope it makes more sense than this one.

Duncan - Go on, Golly.

Golly - Now, take Red Bonnet. Legend has it that he steals into houses in the dead of night. He means no harm. He leaves you a clue to where a treasure is to be found, then returns the next night to claim some supper as a reward.

Archie - Oh, come on.

Duncan - No, Gollyís right. The fish was a sign. It led to the ring.

Archie - Okay, okay, Iím sorry to apply logic to the situation, but if he was hungry, why didnít he just eat the fish?

Gavin - Maybe heís a vegetarian spirit. [they all laugh, except for Golly]

Golly - Ha ha. People always mock what theyíre afraid of.

Gavin - [looking at Duncan] Ainít that the truth?

Archie - Who could be afraid of a little man in a red cap?

Golly - The forest is full of less kindly spirits than Red Bonnet.

Duncan - Have you seen them, Golly?

Golly - No.

Archie - You see?

Golly - Nor would I want to. But Iíve heard them. In the night. Whispering. Caterwauling. Coming from nowhere. Coming from everywhere.

Archie - Ah, itís just the wind or small furry creatures.

Golly - Maybe. But have you not heard the story of Barrach-Bayne, the mad MacDonald?

Archie - Didnít like women. Was that the one?

Golly - He spent the night alone in the woods, day before his wedding. He was to marry the daughter of a neighboring chief at the great Clan Gathering of 1611.

Gavin - What happened?

Golly - Well, they say he lost his mind that night . . . or had it taken from him. The next day, at the gathering, he lifted up his betrothed like this [raises his arms over his head] . . . and wailing like a banshee, pitched her headlong into the Kinrothie bog. Near brought down the MacDonalds. Led to 40 years warfare in this glen.

Archie - The way I heard it, she looked better when she came out of the bog than when she went in.

Golly - Nevertheless . . . no MacDonald since then . . . has ever spent the night alone . . . in those woods.

Archie - Well, it wouldnít bother me if I did. [everyone looks at him] Well, it wouldnít! [sighs] Iím up at the crack of dawn for the boat race. [silence] You think Iím scared, donít you? Right, letís do it.


Woods surrounding Glenbogle, night

Golly - Right, thisíll do. Torch. [Archie hands him the flashlight] You sure you still want to do this?

Archie - Yeah, itís just what I need -- a night out of that madhouse.

Golly - Okay, itís all yours. [leaves]


Gollyís House

Duncan - Sounds a bit silly.

Gavin - Go on, itíll be a laugh, and it might just be the image we need for the label.

Lexie - Oh, pardon me. I was looking for Golly.

Gavin - Iíll go and get my stuff.

Lexie - Duncan . . . you do know about Gavin, donít you?

Duncan - I know heís the first person ever took me seriously.

Lexie - Oh?

Duncan - Aye. And he agrees I donít belong here. Reckons I should move to Glasgow, find myself.

Lexie - What if youíre not there when you get there?

Duncan - Oh, go on, mock. Youíre just jealous Ďcause youíre gonna spend your whole life skivvying here for other people while Iím -- Iím moving on.

Lexie - [sighs] Youíre right. Of course. I wish you all the best. But may I give you a bit of advice?

Duncan - What?

Lexie - Itís just . . . itís best to try and be like those big city types -- you know, if you want to fit in.

Duncan - How do you mean?

Lexie - Well . . . for a start, theyíre very touchy-feely. Lots of . . . hugging and stuff.

Duncan - Aye, Iíve seen them.

Lexie - Mm.

Duncan - What else?

Lexie - So they know youíre confident, they need eye contact. Long, lingering eye contact.

Duncan - Right.


Mollyís bedroom

[Molly sits on the bed, thinking]

Molly's voice - Pull yourself together. Youíre not a child any more.

Hector's voice - Then why does everyone treat me like one? ďDonít you worry about it, Hector.Ē ďNone of your business, Hector.Ē ďGo play with your toys, Hector.Ē Well, I know when Iím not needed.


Woods surrounding Glenbogle, night

Archie - [hears twig snap and footsteps, gets up to investigate, trips and falls] Ow!



Lexie - [hears pots clanging in kitchen, goes to investigate, jumps in surprise] Oh!


Woods surrounding Glenbogle, night

Archie - [looks up, sees a figure] Aaah!


8 - Red Bonnet


Molly - [sitting next to empty cake tray] I -- I couldnít sleep, so I came down to add some walnuts.

Lexie - Maybe Red Bonnet doesnít care for walnuts.

Molly - It was Hectorís favorite. The thing is, weíve all been ignoring him lately.

Lexie - How can anyone ignore Hector? We all run around him like blue2 -- like people running round after Hector.

Molly - I know, like people running round after a child. He hates that.

Lexie - Poor old Hector.

Molly - Iím more to blame than anyone. Heís been sneaking off at night lately, which he does when heís feeling . . . thoughtful. I should have just sat him down and given him a good talking to, told him that we all need him round here. Instead, I made this stupid cake! [starts crying]


Woods surrounding Glenbogle, night

Archie - [staring at tree engraved with HECTOR LOVES MOLLY and two interlinking hearts bearing an H and an M.] How longís this been here then?

Hector - [munching on cake] About half an hour.

Archie - I used to love night fishing. I donít get much chance to do it in London, though. [sits next to Hector]

Hector - Iím sure London has other nighttime attractions.

Archie - [yawning] Yeah, I guess so.

Hector - You ought to be in bed getting a good nightís sleep, preparing your mind and body for tomorrowís battle.

Archie - Itís not a battle, itís a boat race. How did that ring end up in the loch?

Hector - Didnít you hear? Red Bonnet put it there.

Archie - Father.

Hector - I lost it swimming. Stupid thing to do. ďDamn stupid thing to do, Hector,Ē my father said. ďYouíve really let me down. I despair of you ever amounting to anything.Ē Well, I wanted to explain it was an accident, it could happen to anybody, that I was sorry. Sorry Iíd let him down.

Archie - Well, why didnít you?

Hector - Because he was a cantankerous old git who was impossible to talk to. Can you imagine having a father like that?

Archie - [smiling] No. No, I canít.

[Their conversation is interrupted by bright flashes of light. Archie sets Hectorís cake down and they go to investigate.]

Hector - That was--

Archie - Shh!

Hector - Red Bonnet. We just saw Red Bonnet.

Archie - Come on. [they crawl up the hill to get a better look, Archie snorts]

Hector - Ye gods.

Archie - Now Iíve seen everything.

Gavin - Thatís it, Duncan. More of that. More! [snaps photos] Yeah. Great! Thatís it. Right arm up.

Hector - Whatís Duncan playing at?

Archie - Golly was right. Some things are beyond human comprehension.


[woods, some time later]

Duncan - Itís been a real stroke of fortune . . . me meeting you. I feel I can see my whole future stretching out in front of me. The real me.

Gavin - Good man. Thatís the first step . . . admitting to yourself who you are.

Duncan - Aye.

Gavin - And youíll meet plenty more like you in Glasgow.

Duncan - [deciding to take Lexieís advice, sits next to Gavin and puts an arm around his shoulders] Thanks for all your advice.

Gavin - No problem.

Duncan - [after some Ďlong, lingering eye contactí] Youíve really changed my outlook. I was thinking . . . when I move to Glasgow, could I stay with you for a while?

Gavin - Oh, Duncan . . . Iím really flattered.

Duncan - Flattered?

Gavin - [takes Duncanís hand] Look . . . itís not you. Itís me. [Duncan looks down at their clasped hands, then back at Gavin, and swallows.]


9 - Archieís Challenge


Katrina - [as Archie opens bathroom door] Oi.

Archie - [not expecting to find Katrina there, wearing a towel] What are you doing here?

Katrina - Fiona and I got so wrapped up in the manifesto, Molly said I could stay the night. You look rough.

Archie - Well, all in all, it was a pretty rough night.

Katrina - I said some things last night--

Archie - Yeah, well, you were probably right. Look, Iíve got a . . . race to row.

Katrina - Good luck. [leaves bathroom]


Lake shore

Kilwillie - [pacing] Oh, where is everyone? [toys with the ring on his finger]


Hectorís bedroom

[Archie and Molly watch Hector as he sleeps, snoring lightly]

Molly - I love you, you silly old fool. [kisses his cheek, turns to Archie] I better go. Gollyís taking me to the woods. We may not be able to get your fatherís ring back, but at least we can try and win this race for him.

Archie - Mother, youíre a genius! The race!


Lake shore

Lexie - How did the photo shoot go last night?

Gavin - Smashing. In fact, better than I couldíve possibly imagined.

Lexie - Really?

Gavin - Yeah. It went so well, Duncanís agreed to come to Glasgow as soon as possible. Heís gonna move in with me.

Lexie - Youíre joking!

Gavin - Iím not.

Lexie - You know Duncanís not quite the full shilling sometimes.

Gavin - Is that so?

Lexie - Heís easily led astray.

Gavin - Youíd have firsthand experience of that, would you?

Lexie - I just donít want to see him get hurt.

Gavin - Why is that, then?

Lexie - Uh, heís a pal.

Gavin - Real-ly?

Lexie - Look, heíd be lost in Glasgow. Heíd miss all his mates and . . . weíd miss him.

Gavin - Oh, Dunc! [Duncan turns] Lexie here has got something to tell you.

Lexie - [caught off guard] Uh, yeah. Good luck in the boat race.

Duncan - Yeah, thanks.

Gavin - [in a deep voice] Give Ďem hell, big boy!


Kilwillie - [taking cup from Lexieís tray] Has Archie lost his bottle?


Fiona - Thought you werenít interested in this.

Katrina - Oh, could be quite fun. [looks behind her] Hereís Archie.

Kilwillie - [as Archie jogs up] I thought youíd thrown in the towel, lad!

Golly - Right, let it begin! The maidens are in position.

Archie - Hold on, Golly. Kilwillie, I challenge you to combat for the ring of my forefathers.

Kilwillie - I beg your pardon?

Archie - I wanna race you for that ring youíre wearing.

Kilwillie - Thatís out of the question. Itís mine by right.

Archie - Youíre not scared, are you?

Kilwillie - [takes off the ring] Believe me, Archie, all the incentive in the world wonít help you win. [hands ring to Golly] Right. Let battle commence!

Hector - Stop!

Kilwillie - Now what?

Hector - [holding two swords in outstretched arms] Kilwillie, I challenge you to combat for the ring of my forefathers.

Archie - Father, you donít need the swords. Iíve made the challenge already. Weíre racing for the ring.

Hector - Oh. Why didnít you say so? Move over, Duncan.

Duncan - What?

Hector - Take those, will you? [hands him the swords, and takes up the oar] Archie, as Laird, it is your privilege to choose your comrade in oars. [Archie smiles, Duncan steps back]

Kilwillie - You can all row together, for all I care. Roger!

[Roger pulls tarp away, revealing sleek black racing boat]

Hector - Good god!

Kilwillie - Well, thereís nothing in the rules against it. Is there, Golly? [Golly shakes his head, frowning]

Duncan - Itís a stealth boat.

Katrina - That man is unbelievable!

Fiona - Right, that does it. Do you know where he picks up the so-called maidens?

Katrina - I think so. Why?

Fiona - First rule of politics: Do it to them before they do it to you. Come on.


10 - The Race

Lake shore

Golly - [as drumroll and bagpipes begin] Right. The maidens are on the other side of the loch. The Laird must accompany the maiden back, and the first team to take their seats is the winner. [points toward chairs set up on the beach] Are our warriors ready?

Kilwillie - Oh, get on with it.

Golly - On your marks . . . get set . . . [fires old-fashioned pistol and the teams run to their boats]

Duncan - [watching Kilwillie and Roger] Oh, they must have been practicing all year.

Kilwillie - Stroke. Stroke.

Lexie - Weíve got no chance.



Katrina - It just doesnít seem right.

Fiona - Look, you donít want Kilwillie to win, do you? [they jump in Fionaís car] Archieís really cute, isnít he?

Katrina - Is he?


Middle of lake

Kilwillie - Youíre finished MacDonald! Youíre past it!

Hector - I want that ring, Kilwillie!

Archie - [watching as Kilwillieís boat moves further ahead] Itís no good.

Hector - Nil desperandum!3


Lake shore

Golly - Well?

Gavin - Kilwillieís walking it.

Lexie - [to Duncan] Look . . . this Gavin . . . you do know that heís--

Duncan - Lexie, I didnít really know it . . . but Iíve been waiting for someone like Gavin all my life. And Iím really looking forward to living in a big city.

Lexie - Duncan, youíll hate Glasgow. Itís full of scary and selfish people, and thatís just my family.

Duncan - Just because you couldnít take the pace doesnít mean to say that I wonít. Anyway, Gavin will be there to see me through.

Lexie - Youíve made up your mind then?

Duncan - [nods] Nothing to keep me here.

Lexie - Of course there is. Nobody wants you to go. [sighs] I donít want you to go. There. I said it. [Duncan smiles]


Dirt road through woods

Katrina - [as car stops] Are you sure this is going to work?

Fiona - Look, weíre just going for a walk in the woods. He doesnít have to stop and chat if he doesnít want to.


Opposite shore of lake

[Kilwillie and Roger reach the beach]

Flora - [calling from the woods] Daddy!


Woods near lake

Molly - Archie? Archie-ee-ee!

Flora - Daddy!

Kilwillie - [running through trees] Iím coming, Flora! [hears womenís voices calling eerily through the woods]

Women - Kilwillie . . . Loch Nacree, Kilwillie . . .

[Kilwillie stops running, Roger continues on]


Opposite shore of lake

[Archie and Hector reach the shore]

Hector - Right, thatís it.


Woods near lake

Flora - Roger, Iím here! Come and take me now, Roger! Ha ha!

Molly - Steady on, dear, itís only pretend.

Flora - [sees Roger running toward them] Oh good -- Roger! Whereís daddy? [Roger shrugs] Come on. Whoa! [laughs as Roger scoops her up and carries her off] Roger! Come on, Roger! [giggles] Aw-- [She is disappointed when Roger drops her to her feet a short distance later, but quickly recovers and grabs him by the hand] Come on!


Fiona - [from behind a tree] Kilwillie!

Katrina - Loch Nacree, Kilwillie . . .

Fiona - Kilwillie . . .

Katrina - Remember Lock Nacree . . .

Kilwillie - Stop!

Women - Kilwillie . . .

Kilwillie - Who are you?

Women - Loch Nacree . . .

Kilwillie - [turning in a circle] Where -- where are you?!


Archie - [runs up to Molly] Mother.

Molly - Hector, what are you doing here?

Hector - No time for conversation, woman. Come on.


Fiona - Tell us about the lady from Loch Nacree . . .

Kilwillie - Who are you?

Katrina - Loch Nacree . . .

Kilwillie - And what about Loch Nacree? I havenít seen that girl for years! It was all lies anyway!


Opposite shore of lake

Flora - Daddy!


Woods near lake

Women - Loch . . . Loch . . . Loch . . . [echoing]


Opposite shore of lake

Flora - [as Hector, Archie, and Molly run to their boat] Daddy! Theyíve caught up! Weíre going to lose! [Kilwillie runs down the beach]

Hector - Come on, Archie. Come on. [Archie grabs the oars, starts rowing]

Kilwillie - MacDonald! I donít know whatís going on here!

Flora - Just -- Get in, will you?! [they climb into their boat]

Hector - Get a move on, Archie. Theyíre not far behind.


Lake shore

Golly - I donít believe it. Weíre winning.

Gavin - Rogerís catching up fast.

Duncan - Come on!

Lexie - Come on, Archie!


Middle of lake

Hector - Come on, Archie, come on. For the ring. For the ring!

Kilwillie - Come on, Roger! Get a move on!

Flora - Faster!

Kilwillie - Oh, put your back into it, man!

Flora - Roger, Come on!

Lexie - [from shore] Come on, Archie, row.

Molly - Come on, Archie!

Hector - Come on, come on!


Lake shore

Duncan - Stroke!

Golly - Behind!

Duncan - Come on, boys!

Katrina - [running down the beach] Come on.

Lexie - Oh, Archie, go on, hurry up. Oh, you can do it! [their boat reaches the shore]

Flora - [stands up] Show some muscle! Move it!

Kilwillie - Sit down!

Crowd - [cheering] Come on, Archie!

[both groups climb out of their boats and race for the chairs, Archie reaches his first. Roger, who had picked Flora up to carry her through the water, drops her with a splash]

Molly - [hugs Hector] I am so proud of you.

Lexie - Well done, Arch! [hugs him]

Katrina - [hugs Archie next] Well done, Archie.

Lexie - Oh, Duncan! [hugs him]

Gavin - [looks at Fiona] Hmm.

Fiona - [looks at Gavin] Hmm.

Kilwillie - [sees Flora sputtering in the water] Oh, darling.

Flora - [pushes Roger into the water, straightens her sodden hat] Thank you.


11 - Katrinaís Manifesto


Hector - Disembodied voices in the wood, you say?

Kilwillie - Quite right. They were all over the place.

Molly - What were they saying?

Kilwillie - I couldnít quite make it out. It was a . . . was a damn strange affair.

Hector - Thereíll be a rational explanation.

Molly - ĎCourse there will. We all thought that Red Bonnet had brought us a fish until we discovered that Hector had been off night fishing.

Hector - Didnít catch a damn thing all week though.

Kilwillie - Well then, who did bring the fish?

Golly - Ah, well, you see, thereís no accounting for the ways of the other world. [raises his glass] Slainte.4

Hector - Slainte.



Duncan - You were right. Sheís gutted at the thought of me going.

Gavin - Sheís crazy about you, man.

Duncan - A bit of unfair, kidding around that -- you and me were . . . well, you know.

Gavin - What, after she tried to set you up last night? Youíre too good for her. I still think you could make a go of it in Glasgow. They do have women there too, you know. [both laugh]

Duncan - Aye, but I couldnít leave here knowing how much Lexie needs me. Sheíd be lost without me. [Lexie, eavesdropping in the hall, shoves open the door] All right, Lex?

Lexie - Donít ďall rightĒ me! Iíve been listening to you two.

Duncan - Oh dear.

Lexie - You sneaky little--

Duncan - You can talk. ďThey love eye contact.Ē You didnít tell me why.

Lexie - Well, you can run off to Glasgow for all I care. [holds up frying pan menacingly]


Glenbogle Estate grounds

Archie - What you asked me yesterday about whether Iíll be staying around much longer . . .

    Lexie - [in background, chasing Duncan with frying pan] Duncan!

    Duncan - [in background, running] Itís your fault, Lexie!

Archie - The truth is I donít know.

    Lexie - [in background] You can run but you canít hide!

    Duncan - [runs past] You bet I can!

    Lexie - [runs past] [?] Iíll catch you!

Katrina - Right.

    Lexie - [offscreen] And when I do, Iím gonna hurt you.

    Duncan - [offscreen] Aaaah!

Archie - The thing is, Iím no longer absolutely sure that I wonít be either. This place, it gets under your skin.

Katrina - Well, itís always been under mine. Thatís why I want to do what I can for the place. Give something back, you know? Thatís what my manifestoís about. [hands papers to Archie]

Archie - [reading aloud] ďBy far the most compelling reason for transferring the estate to the control of the tenants is the damage that has accrued to the land and resources due to years of exploitation and incompetence by the incumbent family.Ē

Katrina - Fiona wrote that bit.

Archie - Yeah, but you think it, donít you?

Katrina - You know itís true.

Archie - Do I indeed?

Katrina - You said so yourself. This place has been run into the ground.

Archie - Oh, and youíre gonna save it single-handed, are you?

Katrina - Well, if thatís what it takes, yes.

Archie - Oh, I just canít believe youíve done this!

Katrina - I havenít done anything.

Archie - Working together, you said.

Katrina - And so that means I canít criticize you?


Middle of lake

Gavin - [sitting in boat, watching Roger row] So, how often do you work out? [Roger smiles, keeps rowing]


Archieís bedroom, night

Archie - [tossing and turning, notices something under his pillow] Hey? [pulls out the ring and puts it on]


End of Episode 6, Series 1


1. hustings - plural noun, UK; the political activities and speeches that happen before an election and are intended to win votes; i.e. on the campaign trail. Back to transcript

2. running around like blue - ďrunning around like blue-arsed fliesĒ Back to transcript

3. Nil desperandum! - Latin; Never despair. Back to transcript

4. Slainte - Gaelic; Cheers. (Pronounced "schlan-jer") Back to transcript

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