Monarch of the Glen

Episode Transcripts

 

Series 1, Episode 7

Based on the novels by Compton MacKenzie

Produced by Nick Pitt
Directed by A.J. Quinn
Written by Michael Chaplin

For BBC Scotland
Airdate: April 9, 2000

 

Zzickle's Notes:

I don't own Monarch of the Glen - The contents of this transcript are taken directly from the episode (with help of closed captions), to the best of my ability.

These transcripts were made because 1. My dad has trouble understanding some of the very Scottish accents (and colloquialisms), 2. The DVDs have closed captions, not subtitles, which can only be viewed on our computer, not with any TV DVD players, and 3. Even on the computer, the captions are very hard to read because of the way that they overlap on top of each other.

If you want to post this transcript on your site, please let me know where it is going so I can visit it. Also, please post it with my name (Zzickle) and website (http://zzickle.topcities.com/) on it.

You are more than welcome to use these transcripts in your fanfiction stories, no notification required.

Cast List:

Archie MacDonald - Alastair Mackenzie
              Laird of Glenbogle

Hector MacDonald - Richard Briers
              Archie's father

Molly MacDonald - Susan Hampshire
              Archie's mother

Golly Mackenzie - Alexander Morton
              Estate groundskeeper

Lexie MacDonald - Dawn Steele
              Estate housekeeper

Duncan McKay - Hamish Clark
              Estate handyman

Angus Kilwillie - Julian Fellowes
              Hectorís friend

Katrina Finlay - Loraine Pilkington
              head school teacher

Alan Smythe - Paul Goodwin
              Katrinaís ex-boyfriend

Justine Thatcher - Anna Wilson-Jones
              Archie's girlfriend

Lenny - Patrick Toomey
              Flying Fish head chef

Mr. Slurpy - Mickey Hutton
              Geordie, the ice cream man

Mrs. McGregor - Jan Moffatt
              a voter

Freddie Jorg - Alec Monteith
              Harley enthusiast

Gary - Keith Fleming
              Glorious 12th beater

Diner - Donalda Samuel

Election Officer - Katherine Connolly

Returning Officer - Sheena Penson

 

1 - Val Doonican

Gun room

Duncan - [spills shotgun shells across table] Match day temperament -- Iíve never had it. Iím not sure Iím ready, Golly.

Golly - I was the same my first time in charge. But you listen up, son. Walk tall, walk straight, and look the world right in the eye.

Duncan - Right, thatís good. Who said that?

Golly - One of the giants of Celtic culture.

Duncan - Whatís his name [?] -- Robert the Bruce?1

Archie - Robbie Burns?2

Golly - Val Doonican.3

 

Katrinaís house

Katrina - First of all, I would like to thank the returning officer and all those who have made this election and count such a smooth and efficient one. My victory today marks a defining moment in Scottish politics.

 

Gun room

Duncan - Whoís Val Doonican?

 

2 - Main Titles

[opening credits]

 

3 - The Glorious Twelfth

Katrinaís house

Katrina - [answering telephone] Hello. Morning. Iím just on my way. [pause] What? Oh no. [pause] No, no, if youíre sick, youíre sick. Donít worry, Iíll think of something. You take care of yourself. Bye. [hangs up]

 

River, fishing spot

Lexie - [sitting on a large rock] I donít quite get the point of this, Arch.

Archie - [flyfishing midstream] Youíre supposed to be the expert in the menu department. First course, fresh Scottish salmon. Second course, fresh Scottish grouse.

Lexie - Youíve been looking forward to seeing your posh tottie. Oh! Thereís one! [points downstream]

Archie - Lexie, be quite or Iíll send you home.

Lexie - Sorry, dad.

Archie - And I wonít take you racing out to London either. [gets a bite] Whoa.

 

Flying Fish Restaurant

[sign on door reads: THE GLORIOUS TWELFTH / Lunch and Dinner / First Grouse in London... We Hope!]

 

Open field

Hector - [smells cracked shotgun] Ah! I love the smell of cordite in the morning. You know, I can remember my first Glorious 12th like it was yesterday. August, 1938. Old house was packed. Bishops, bandleaders, King of Bulgaria, Prime Minister, too. Old Neville Chamberlain came here on his way to suck up to Hitler.

Golly - Hector, we need to get going. The ladís got to leave with the birds in an hour.

Duncan - Shall I start the beaters off?

Golly - No, no, no. No, Duncan. Iíll do that. Here . . . [hands Duncan his binoculars] you take these.

 

Polling station

Election Officer - Morning. First customer, eh?

Katrina - Sorry?

Election Officer - Youíve come to vote? No need to ask who for.

Katrina - Might as well.

 

Kitchen

Hector - A race, you say?

Archie - Yes.

Hector - With dead grouse as the competitors? Could you possibly direct me towards the point of this exercise?

Archie - Itís organized by a food magazine -- the first restaurant to serve grouse to a customer on the first day of the shooting season wins 5,000 pounds and a feature in the next edition.

Hector - What an extraordinarily stupid idea. What do you mean -- food magazine?

Archie - It would be great publicity for the restaurant. You know, the business Iím supposed to be running with my girlfriend?

Hector - Meanwhile, smooth running of the household is disrupted once again.

Lexie - I canít wait to get cracking in a proper kitchen for a change.

Hector - The last time Lexie went awol--

Lexie - When my Aunt Maggie had the temerity to expire suddenly, you mean?

Hector - Golly prepared dinner. He presented me with an omelette that looked and tasted like a polystyrene tile.

 

Flying Fish Restaurant

Lenny - [sets plate of omelettes in front of Justine] Breakfast. Eat.

Justine - Youíre a poppet.

Lenny - I try to please.

Justine - And you do.

Lenny - You worried?

Justine - I just hope everything goes okay with Archie in the--

Lenny - Of course it will. Two cooks in the kitchen -- itíll be a breeze.

Justine - [laughs] I didnít quite mean that. Listen, Lenny, these last couple of months, Iíd never have got by without you. [Lenny shrugs] I mean it. Iím very grateful.

Lenny - No worries . . . but thanks.

Justine - [takes bite of omelette] Delicious.

 

4 - Archieís Vote

Polling station

Katrina - Archie, I was just going to call you. Listen--

Archie - Mustnít canvass voters on their way to exercise their democratic prerogative -- even if it is just a council election. [walks into building and up to ladies at table] Archie MacDonald. [takes voting slip] Thanks.

[paper reads: Highland Council Elections / Glenbogle Ward
      FINLAY / Katrina / Shepherdís Cottage, Glenbogle
      HENDERSON / Dougal / Tir Na Nog Lodge, Strathbogie
      KILWILLIE / Angus Archibald / Kilwillie Castle, Kilwillie Estate]

 

[back outside again]

Katrina - Archie, I need your help. Maureenís let me down. She was gonna help me organize the day. ďGet the vote outĒ and that.

Archie - I canít. Sorry.

Katrina - You canít? Or you wonít?

Archie - Katrina, I wonít be here. Iím going to London. [indicates the overnight bag in his hand]

Katrina - Oh -- you going to see Justine?

Archie - Yeah, I will be seeing Justine.

Katrina - Well, have a terrific time.

Archie - Thanks.

Katrina - Iíll just have to find somebody else then, wonít I?

Archie - Look, Iíve said Iím sorry.

Katrina - Could you tell me how you voted, please?

Archie - Why would I tell you that?

Katrina - Itís standard procedure in elections. It helps the parties keep check on how theyíre doing.

Archie - No, Iím not gonna tell you how I voted. Thatís my business.

Katrina - You didnít vote for me, did you!?

Archie - Listen, you-- [interrupted by whirring of helicopter]

[Archie and Katrina can be seen arguing, but only audio is the sound of helicopter as it lands. Archie walks toward helicopter and Kilwillie intercepts him]

Kilwillie - Good luck, my boy.

Archie - And you. Smash the opposition, okay.

Kilwillie - Yes!

[Archie climbs into helicopter, car stops and honks at Katrina and Alan gets out. Archie watches them from helicopter as they hug]

Lexie - [from back seat] Arch, isnít this fab?

Archie - Yeah, great.

 

Kilwillie - [to Katrina] Ah, may the best man win. [tips his cap to Katrina and Alan, laughs and walks off]

 

Glenbogle Estate grounds

Hector - [to group of hunters] I wish you all happy hunting and leave you in the very capable hands of Duncan here. [Molly urges Duncan forward]

Duncan - Thanks, Hect-- Mr. MacDonald. Gentlemen, I earnestly hope . . . that you have very good sport here today. Thereís loads of birds out there. ďThe hills are alive,Ē you might say. Anyway, if youíre ready . . . weíll mosey on out.

Molly - Well done, Duncan. That was jolly good. [leans in] Now give them hell.

Duncan - [to himself] I earnestly hope. [leads group off]

Hector - [as Kilwillie approaches] Kilwillie, I thought you had some fool election today.

Kilwillie - Democracyís important [?my dear?], but not that important. [laughs] Anyway, the political machineís well-oiled.

Hector - What with? Your filthy lucre?

Kilwillie - Nothing so gross! A few cases of Kilwillie old malt.

Molly - Kilwillie. Thatís corruption.

Kilwillie - No, my dear. Thatís politics. So, shall we to the Butts?

 

Helicopter

Lexie - [as helicopter circles over Glenbogle house] Look, everythingís dead wee.

 

5 - Mr. Slurpy

Polling station

Alan - Confident then?

Katrina - Publicly, Iím unbeatable. Privately, Iím gonna get smashed. [to woman walking past] Morning, Mrs. McCann. [to Alan] Thereís one vote I didnít get. If I get beaten here--

Alan - You wonít. Youíve done your canvassing, havenít you? [Katrina nods] Then itís all about getting the vote out on the day. Show me your returns.

Katrina - Donít you have to get on your way?

Alan - No. Why?

Katrina - I thought you said you were on important party business.

Alan - So I am. But I prefer to think itís mostly private.

Katrina - You mean you came all this way to . . .

Alan - Yes, to help you.

Katrina - Oh, Alan, thank you.

Alan - Well, I like to think of myself as your political mentor, and of you in a -- well, rather more intimate role. Now, letís go and win this election.

Katrina - Right.

 

Helicopter

Archie - Weíre making good time.

 

Polling station

Katrina - Heís got all the early voters.

Alan - So how exactly is the intellectual giant in plus fours?

Katrina - Kilwillie? Heís smarter than he looks. Heís diversified into luxury foods. Everything from whisky marmalade to venison pate. He employs a lot of people.

Alan - Whoíll all vote for him. Still, looks from these like you might pick up most of the O.A.P.4 vote.

Katrina - Yeah, Iím pleased about that.

Alan - Itís often the way. Old ladies usually admire female candidates. Old blokes just fancy them. As long as theyíre not complete dogs, of course.

Katrina - Alan!

Alan - Oh, sorry. Gratuitous use of politically incorrect term. So, when are the oldies going to vote?

Katrina - Most of them said they were going to go tonight.

Alan - Thatís no good. Tonight theyíll be watching ďGardenerís WorldĒ or fretting about the mass murderers stalking the mean streets of Glenbogle. Youíve got to get them voting during the day.

Katrina - I canít get them lifts during the day. People round here are really busy just now. Itís the 12th of August.

Alan - Oh, aye. Mass murder of another kind. So what are we gonna do? [looks up as guys on motorcycles arrive]

Katrina - Alan. No.

Alan - [smiles, walks toward motorcycles] Ahoy, lads.

 

Helicopter

Lexie - [awoken by helicopter shuddering, alarms beeping] Archie?

Archie - Whatís wrong?

Pilot - Yeah, sheís got a bit of a sore throat. I think Iíll take her down for a minute. Maybe just have a look at her, clean out a pipe or two.

 

The Butts

Hector - Well, Kilwillie -- Godís in his heaven, four dozen brace of birds in the basket, and allís well with the world. [Kilwillieís cell phone plays ďWilliam Tell OvertureĒ] For heavenís sake, man, turn that infernal contraption off.

Kilwillie - Sorry, old man. Iíve got to stay in radio contact with the nerve center of the mighty Kilwillie empire. [answers phone] Hello? [pause] Yeah. [pause] What? [pause] Iím on my way. [closes phone]

Hector - What are you doing now?

Kilwillie - Crisis looms. The barbarians are hammering at the gates.

Hector - Couldnít they have had the decency to choose another day?

Kilwillie - And I need the help of an old pal and class ally.

 

Road, middle of nowhere

Mr. Slurpy - [standing in front of ice cream van, looking at map] Stupid map. [looks up as helicopter lands nearby]

Lexie - [climbing out of helicopter] Whatís he gonna do, ring the A.A.?

Mr. Slurpy - Ah, man. Youíve ruined me strawberry surprise. Itís full of dust and grass. [indicates open container of ice cream]

Lexie - Well, it wouldnít be full of strawberries, would it?

Mr. Slurpy - Are you Scottish?

Lexie - What díyou want me to do? Dance an eightsome reel?

Archie - [looking at his watch] I canít believe this. Excuse me. Could you tell us where we are, please?

Mr. Slurpy - Youíre asking me? Whatís this, then, D-day for the jocks?

Archie - Whereís the nearest railway station?

Mr. Slurpy - Ah, Carlisle. Forty miles that way. [points down the road] Godís own country, sixty miles that way. [points the other direction] Youíd think theyíd put a sign up, wouldnít you? ďKnackered bridge ahead.Ē

Lexie - What are we gonna do, Arch?

Archie - We need a car. Weíll have to hire one or something.

Lexie - [looking at ice cream van] Or get a lift.

Mr. Slurpy - Some turnip told me that was the short cut to the motorway.

Archie - [looking at the van] Oh, no.

Lexie - What better way to keep the fish and game cold. Anyway, you got a better idea?

 

Cottage

Katrina - We just thought you might appreciate a lift, Mrs. McGregor.

McGregor - Thank you, dear, thatís very kind of you. [sees motorcycle] Oh my goodness me.

Freddie - Good morning, madam. Iím your driver, Freddie Jorg.

McGregor - Good morning.

Freddie - Tell me, have you ever ridden on a Harley Davidson before?

McGregor - Oh no.

Kilwillie - [pulls up in fancy old car] Mrs. McGregor!

Hector - [getting out of passenger side] Hello, my dear.

Kilwillie - You are looking well, I must say.

Hector - And getting bonnier with every passing day, if I may venture.

Kilwillie - We were just popping down to the village in the old Charabanc. Can we convey you in that general direction?

McGregor - Thatís very kind of you, but ever since I saw ďEasy Rider,Ē Iíve wanted to burn rubber on one of these. [Alan and Katrina grin at each other]

 

Road, middle of nowhere

Mr. Slurpy - So thereís petrol, damaged stock, loss of sales--

Lexie - Loss of sales? Geordie, son, youíve not made any.

Archie - Even if we were in a Ferrari, we still wouldnít make it in time for lunch.

Mr. Slurpy - Time, travel expenses. Letís say 300.

Lexie - No, letís say 150.

 

Polling station

Freddie - No, every year the club organizes a tour and we all take a week off work to go and do wheelies in some far-off place.

Katrina - Weíre very grateful for your help. If thereís anything we can do to reimburse your expenses--?

Freddie - Oh, not at all, wouldnít hear of it. No, no, weíll simply finish off the list and then be on our way. We want to make Loch Ness before teatime.

Alan - [as bikers ride off] That would have looked a bit odd on the election expenses return. ďPetrol money for Bank of England Harley Davidson club.Ē

Kilwillie - [sitting in his fancy car, nearby] Gloves off, I think. If they will march into Poland.

Hector - Quite. There are some things up with which one shall not put.

 

Mr. Slurpy van

Lexie - Theyíll all melt. Itís such a waste.

Archie - [looks at watch again] Just great.

Lexie - Oh, Saturn Rockets! Oh, Iíve not had these since I was a wee girl.

 

6 - Changes

Flying Fish Restaurant

Justine - [talking on the phone] Thatís right, shot this morning in the Highlands. Thank you, sir. See you this evening. Bye.

Lenny - Howís it looking?

Justine - Packed. Wordís got round the exiles, I think.

Lenny - This, er, Lesley.

Justine - Lexie.

Lenny - She is only gonna do her nauseating national dish, right?

Justine - Because youíve never cooked grouse before. Yes, thatís the arrangement.

Lenny - And youíre sure she wonít meddle? ĎCause I wonít have it, Justine. You know me, Iím a pussycat, but if anyone comes into my kitchen and starts messing around . . .

Justine - Lenny, itís not gonna happen, trust me. Anyway, youíll like her. Sheís very nice . . . in an up front sort of way. [answers telephone] Good morning, Flying Fish. Archie, are you nearly here? [pause] What? [pause] Where? [pause] Archie.

Archie - Weíre all okay, in case you were wondering. [pause] Yes, Justine, I know that very well.

Mr. Slurpy - That his missus, is it?

Lexie - She wants to be.

Archie - [into phone] I appreciate that.

Mr. Slurpy - Starting as she means to go on, isnít she? Why donít you tell her to get stuffed, get off the phone, get some housework done.

Justine - What did they say?

Archie - Nothing, Iíll tell you later. So what will you do about lunch?

Justine - What I normally do when you let me down. Hope Lenny can pull a rabbit out of the hat. In this case, almost literally. [hangs up] Donít say anything. Just get into that kitchen and do whatever you have to do. [takes sign off door, crosses off ďlunchĒ, replaces sign]

 

Mr. Slurpy van

Lexie - [reading joke on popsicle stick] ďWhat did the firemanís wife get for Christmas?Ē

Mr. Slurpy - I donít know. What did the firemanís wife get for Christmas?

Lexie - A ladder in her stocking. So where are we now?

Archie - Watford.

Mr. Slurpy - The ruby in the belly button of Hertfordshire.

Lexie - [having just eaten a whole box of Saturn Rockets] Oh, I feel a bit sick.

 

Kilwillieís car

Hector - What are they doing?

Kilwillie - Not much, theyíre talking, eh?

Hector - Typical. Let me have a look. [takes binoculars from Kilwillie to look at Alan and Katrina sitting in Alanís car]

 

Alanís car

Katrina - Fascinating reading, are they?

Alan - Some folks study the Bible, others pore over mucky books. Me, I go for canvassing returns.

Katrina - I could never get you this interested in me when we were together.

Alan - Maybe I have repented at leisure. [opens car door]

 

Kilwillieís car

Hector - Theyíre getting out, theyíre getting out.

Kilwillie - Whatís he doing?

Hector - [as Alan opens trunk of car] Getting some mineral water. Typical.

Kilwillie - Let me see. [takes binoculars] Oh, well done. Itís a bottle of Kilwillie Spring.

 

Flying Fish Restaurant

Lenny - Still not here?

[horn honks outside, ice cream music plays]

Archie - Weíre here. [kisses Justine]

Lexie - Hi, Justine. This is Mr. Slurpy. He gave us a lift down.

Mr. Slurpy - [to Justine] You all right, pet?

Justine - Hi, would you like to take that through to the kitchen?

Mr. Slurpy - Yeah. [carries ice chest to back of restaurant]

Lenny - Youíre Lesley, eh?

Lexie - Lexie. ďXĒ marks the spot [?]. And you are?

Lenny - Lenny. Head chef. Come into my kitchen. [leads Lexie through kitchen doors]

Mr. Slurpy - Nice place, Archie. [nods toward wall] I painted me momís lav that color. [goes into kitchen]

Archie - Youíve changed everything.

Justine - No, I havenít.

Archie - Yes, you have -- the paintings, the color scheme, the tablecloths. Itís completely different.

Justine - Donít be ridiculous. The customers like it.

Archie - And my aquarium. Where is my aquarium?

Justine - It had to go.

Archie - Why?

Justine - One of the piranhas bit Terryís hand when he was cleaning out the tank.

Archie - So what have you done with them?

Justine - The wound went septic. Terry had to be off work for a week.

Archie - Where are my fish?

Justine - Lenny let them go.

Archie - What? Oh, not down the--

Justine - No!

Archie - Well, where?

Lenny - [coming out of kitchen] Just by London bridge. It was really neat, you know, the way they swam off. I know it wasnít the most ecologically sound thing to do, but they were free at last, the open sea.

Archie - Lenny -- shut up.

Justine - I think weíd better get going if weíre going to be ready for this eveningís performance.

Archie - I canít believe youíve done this.

Justine - And I canít believe you walk in here for the first time in months and start throwing your weight about.

Archie - Justine.

Justine - We canít sort this out now. Thereís too much to do before tonight. Itíll have to wait.

 

7 - Substitute Beaters

Alanís car

Alan - So, thatís the wrinkles sorted. Young moms just about done, working meníll vote tonight. What about the unemployed?

Katrina - What about them?

Alan - Youíll never get on in politics if you take that attitude, dear. You must at least pretend to care.

Katrina - What, you mean like you do?

Alan - We havenít had many of them voting yet.

Katrina - Most of them are working today.

Alan - Theyíre unemployed!

Katrina - Casual work. Theyíre beating up on the hill.

Alan - I beg your pardon?

Katrina - For the grouse shooting.

Alan - Aaah, the bizarre feudal relic. Speaking of which . . . [nods towards Molly, who is walking past the car]

Katrina - Donít talk about Molly like that, sheís my friend.

 

Kilwillieís car

Kilwillie - Oh, hang on.

Hector - [waking up] Wha-what?

Kilwillie - Voter at 11:00.

Hector - Oh, itís only Molly.

 

Polling station, outside

Molly - [as Katrina gets out of car] Oh. Hello, Katrina. [Kilwillie and Hector quickly get out of their car] Oh, good afternoon, dear. Kilwillie. [Alan jogs around to join them] Alan. See you in a moment, everyone. [continues walking briskly toward the building]

Hector - Right-o.

 

Flying Fish Restaurant

Lenny - Those the grouses, are they?

Lexie - Grice.

Lenny - Eh?

Lexie - The plural of grouse is grice. You know, itís like mouse and mice.

Lenny - Oh, right. Stink a bit, donít they? And these -- farm salmon, are they?

Lexie - They are not! Wild Atlantic salmon, caught this very morning in the crystal waters of the River Bogle -- by your boss.

Lenny - I donít like it when salmon gets this big. Tasteís gone.

Archie - Lenny, youíre talking 100% fish droppings.

Justine - Archie.

Lenny - Sorry, ďboss,Ē just expressing a professional opinion.

Justine - Thereís a lot of paperwork to get through.

Lenny - [as Justine and Archie leave] I could chop them into steaks, I suppose.

Lexie - Okay. I think the flavorís more delicate if theyíre cut into fillets, myself, but itís--

Lenny - Yeah, well why donít you leave the delicate flavors to me, sweetie, while you get to grips with the grice, eh?

Mr. Slurpy - [to Lexie] Shall I chin him now or later?

Lexie - Hey, Geordie.

Mr. Slurpy - What?

Lexie - [pulls out popsicle stick] ďWhat did the grape say when the gorilla stood on it?Ē

Mr. Slurpy - [laughs] I donít know, Lexie. What did the grape say when the gorilla stood on it?

Lexie - Nothing. It just gave a little ďwhine.Ē [both laugh]

 

Polling station

Kilwillie - Oh, Molly, dear.

Molly - [to Katrina and Alan as she walks past] Be with you in a minute.

Hector - What are you doing consorting with the enemy?

Molly - Oh, what are you boys doing here? I thought you were out playing popguns.

Kilwillie - Oh, a good candidateís got to keep his finger on the pulse of the electoral process, Molly. Thank his supporters and so on. I trust you, er . . . no, of course, mustnít ask.

Molly - What?

Kilwillie - Well, that I . . . well, you know . . .

Hector - Donít be ridiculous, man. Do you honestly think a wife of mine would vote for a woman? [Kilwillie chuckles]

Molly - Donít you worry your little bald head, Kilwillie. I voted according to my conscience.

Kilwillie - Thank you so much, Molly.

Molly - Well, see you boys later. And donít stay cooped up in the motor all day, get some fresh air. [leaves]

Kilwillie - Sheís a wonderful girl. Youíre a lucky dog, Hector.

Hector - Yeah.

 

Molly - [to Katrina] Well, I did it. For the first time in my life, I exercised my democratic rights according to my own convictions rather than my husbandís prejudices. I put a cross against your name.

Katrina - Really, Molly? Thank you. [to Alan] See, I told you.

Molly - [exhales] Truly liberating. And the ladies in my lottery syndicate were very taken with your leaflets. Tell me, are you winning?

Katrina - I hope so. We were just wondering, what time are the beaters on the hill finishing?

Molly - Oh, about six, I should think.

Katrina - Plenty of time to vote, then.

Molly - No, no, hold on. Golly always lays on a ceilidh5 for them and the other estate workers. Whiskey flows till midnight.

 

Flying Fish Restaurant, street outside

Archie - [counting money] . . . 20, 140 and 50.

Mr. Slurpy - Thanks, Archie. Top lad.

Archie - Thanks for having such a cheerful face. I needed it.

Mr. Slurpy - Youíre a canny-looking lad yourself. Iíll shake your hand -- Iíll be off. Thanks, son.

Justine - [from inside] Archie? [Archie goes in]

Lexie - Here. Take this. [hands Mr. Slurpy a bottle of whiskey] I was going to give it to Waltzing Matilda6 in there but Iíd rather you had it.

Mr. Slurpy - Thanks, pet. Itís ages since Iíve slurped the old fire water. Thanks very much.

Lexie - Pop round later on and Iíll give you a grouse buttie7. Okay?

Mr. Slurpy - Thanks.

 

Kilwillieís car

Hector - Well, if this is democracy, you can keep it. Iíve never been so bored in my life.

Kilwillie - Voting is a bit slow, I must say.

Hector - Thatís because people have better things to do, Kilwillie, as have you and me! This is a terrible waste of the Glorious 12th.

Kilwillie - The opposition does seem rather inactive. Perhaps we could spare just a couple of hours.

Hector - Splendid. [Kilwillie starts car, drives off]

 

Alanís car

Katrina - [as car drives past] Wait for it. Wait for it. Go.

 

The Butts

[caravan of cars pulls up to ridge where group of men are sitting around, crowd of women get out]

Gary - Katrina, Mrs. MacDonald. What are you doing down here?

Molly - Weíve come to take you jobs, Gary.

Gary - Huh?

Alan - What she means is that--

Katrina - We need you to go and vote. Now.

Gary - But weíre working. Weíre about to--

Katrina - Weíre going to do it for you.

Gary - What, you?

Molly - Come on, Gary, itís hardly rocket science. Walking up a hillside, waving a stick and screaming obscenities at flocks of birds.

Duncan - [over radio] One, two, three. Are you there, guys?

 

Hector - [as men around him fire their guns] This is more like it. [Kilwillie fires] Splendid.

 

Molly - Thatís it, girls. [waves small flag about] Keep a steady pace. [women coo like birds as they walk] Keep apart.

 

8 - War of The Flying Fish

Mr. Slurpy van

Mr. Slurpy - [dipping orange pop into mug of whisky] Canny.

 

Flying Fish Restaurant

Justine - This is the profit and loss account for June.

Archie - We made a thumping great deficit?

Justine - No. Donít you remember we make the loan repayments every quarter? Once that figure there is amortized over the other months, we were in profit -- just.

Archie - Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot. Iím a bit rusty. Well, thatís good. Great, in fact.

Justine - Thank you, oh master. It hasnít been easy, but everyoneís pulled together.

Archie - Yeah. Oh, Justine, I miss this place.

Justine - Do you? Really?

Archie - And you.

Justine - Well, get yourself back down here then.

Archie - I will. I will. [they kiss]

Lenny - [enters from kitchen] Itís showtime.

 

[sometime later]

Justine - [seating patrons] What can I get you to drink?

Archie - [entering kitchen] Everyone wants the grouse. Howís it going?

Lexie - Well, the ovenís just not hot enough and I canít get it any higher. I told him.

Lenny - Iím using all the others.

Lexie - Well, the birds just arenít cooking.

Archie - This is the simmering oven. Lenny, what the hell are you playing at?

Lenny - Come on, Archie.

Archie - Look, stop messing about and give Lexie an oven to cook in!

Lenny - You listen to me, mate . . .

Justine - [walks up] Come on, there are customers waiting.

[Lenny begrudgingly moves his food from one of the other ovens]

 

[later]

Lexie - [taking tray out of oven, turns and crashes into Lenny] Watch out!

Lenny - You stupid cow.

Lexie - What did you call me? You puffed up bag of Antipodean wind.

Lenny - That is it, Iíve had enough!

Lexie - And itís high time someone stuck a pin in you.

Justine - Come on, guys.

Archie - An accident, these things happen.

Lenny - No more favors, Justine. She goes or I walk.

Justine - Lenny.

Lenny - I mean it. Itís my kitchen! I will not have her in it!

Archie - Oh, for heavenís sake.

Lexie - Thatís just because I showed you up for the talentless ego merchant that you are.

Lenny - Whoís it to be? Her or me?

Justine - Okay. Iím sorry, Lexie.

Archie - Justine, this is not your decision.

Justine - Yes, it is. [to cook] And pick those birds up. Someoneís got to eat them in a minute.

Archie - [following Justine out into restaurant] Justine, we run this restaurant together--

Justine - No, we donít! [diners turn toward the couple] We used to until you went off to your Highland fastness to play chieftain. Now I run it! With a lot of help and support from Lenny.

Archie - Oh, yeah? What kind of help and support would that be?

Justine - Maybe the same kind as you get from Lexie. Or Katrina. Or whichever other Highland lassie youíre tossing the caber with.

Archie - Look, Justine, we are partners.

Justine - We used to be, Archie. But maybe, as the old song says, itís time to call the whole thing off.

Mr. Slurpy - [slams entrance door as he enters, drunk] Evening. [leans over diner, takes her wine glass] Excuse me, pet. [drinks] You know, my dad . . . used to build ships. [he has everyoneís full attention] I sell ice cream. Mr. Slurpy . . . at your service. [falls down]

Diner - Is this like dinner theatre?

 

9 - The Dream is Gone

The Butts

Hector - Marvelous day. Well done, Duncan. Jolly good show.

Duncan - Thanks very much, Hector.

Kilwillie - [as they pose for photographer] Right. I must be off. Compose my victory speech.

Hector - [laughs] Jolly good beaters you found, too. I tell you what . . . give them this fiver, tell them to have a drink on me.

Golly - [aside to Duncan] Thatíll be just the one drink between all of them, will it?

 

Duncan - [running down the slope toward the beaters] Guys! Guys! Hey, boys. [stops as he sees crowd of women, including Katrina and Molly, getting into their cars]

 

Mr. Slurpy van

Mr. Slurpy - Aye?

Archie - [in driverís seat] Yes.

Mr. Slurpy - You can say that again. But donít. Iíve got a terrible headache.

Archie - I suppose I could go back in there and apologize. Say it was all my fault.

Mr. Slurpy - Archie, son, itís around these small moments whole lives hinge.

Archie - What?

Mr. Slurpy - I speak from experience, man. Twelve years since I caught the bus to Blyth . . . and I was daft enough to sit next to a lass who smiled at us. If only Iíd had another half in the ďFat OxĒ or the bus had been late, or Iíd sat in the back with my ďChronicle,Ē like I usually did, Iíd have been spared a lifetime of quiet misery with a large woman with a very short temper.

Archie - I see.

Mr. Slurpy - If I was you, Iíd stay where you are, have some fun with that Lexie lass. Iíll tell you much, she fancies the posh pants off you.

Lexie - [bouncing up to van] Right, thatís everything. Next stop, Euston.

 

Gollyís House

Duncan - Like a well-oiled machine, it was.

Golly - Well, Iím glad the nice gentlemen had a good day. Always been good tippers, the Norwegians. Iíll trouble you for my share. [holds out his hand] And Iíll have my binoculars back as well. [Duncan hands him wad of cash and sets binoculars on table] Aye, you be a good lad in the next twelve months and Iíll let you play with the train set next year, too. [hands Duncan jar of tobacco] Sweetie. [hands him back the cash] Here, take it. You did well. Val Doonican would be proud of you. ďWalk tall, walk straight . . . ď

Duncan - ďAnd look the world right in the eye.Ē

Golly - Bingo.

 

Sleeper on train

Lexie - This is it?

Archie - For both of us?

Lexie - It was the only one they had left. Itís okay, Iíll go on top. Oh, bunk, that is. Should have left that tequila alone.

Archie - Iím starving, and all that food we brought down . . .

Lexie - Donít worry, I nicked these [holds up foil package] and . . . the most expensive bottle of red wine in your cellar.

Archie - [takes bottle] ďAnd they dined on mince and slices of quince . . . ď

 

Katrinaís house

Alan - So, the husband says, ďIíve just been talking to the milkman, and he says heís slept with every woman in this street except one.Ē And the wife says--

Katrina - [interrupting] ďI bet itís that stuck up cow from number 17.Ē [laughs]

Alan - I absolutely hate it when you do that. [throws napkin at her] Hereís to you, and the start of a glittering political career. [they clink beer bottles and drink]

Katrina - Thanks, Alan. For everything. Isnít democracy wonderful?

 

Sleeper on train

Lexie - [eating] I love being a carnivore, donít you?

Archie - Itís a bit overdone, but itís not bad.

Lexie - [elbows him] Right. Turn around. Iím going to retire. Itís been a long day. [takes off her shirt] Stop looking.

Archie - Iím not looking. [takes off his pants]

Lexie - I am. Oh! My, Archie MacDonald -- Calvin Kleins.

 

Katrinaís house

Alan - Well, I have to get back to Edinburgh.

Katrina - Aye.

Alan - What timeís the count start?

Katrina - 8:00 in the morning. Why donít you . . .

Alan - [at the same time] Why donít I . . . after you.

Katrina - I was just going to say, why donít you stay? See it through to the bitter end?

Alan - Okay, thanks. But Iíd better get my head down. Iíve been up since the crack of dawn.

Katrina - Iíll get you a duvet.

 

Sleeper on train

Archie - [on cell phone] Okay, Iím listening.

Justine - [at Flying Fish] Whatís there to say, Archie? Whatís there to say?

Archie - I donít know.

Justine - Just feels like itís gone, the dream we had. It feels like someoneís taken a baseball bat to it. And maybe that someone is you. [pause] Hello?

Archie - Yeah, I hear what youíre saying.

Justine - Donít say that. I hate it when people say that. They mean, ďI hear what youíre saying but Iím going to do naff all about it.Ē

Archie - No, I just meant--

[Justine disconnects phone, starts crying]

Archie - Hello? Hello?

Lexie - Iím sorry, Arch. I bet you could do with a cuddle. I know I could. [starts to climb onto his bunk]

Archie - Lexie, no.

Lexie - Itís okay.

Archie - This isnít wise.

Lexie - A cuddle, I said. Weíve got our jim-jams on. Anyway, Iím freezing. Itís like camp three on Everest up there.

Archie - Your feet, theyíre freezing, Lexie!

Lexie - Move over! [settles in] There . . . thatís better. You know, I feel kinda sorry for Justine. I mean, I know sheís got her faults but . . . everybodyís got their faults, havenít they? And youíve got your faults. Even Iíve got faults. I just feel bad for her. I mean, sheís losing her man, isnít she?

Archie - Maybe.

Lexie - Hey, Arch, what did one ghost say to the other?

Archie - Dunno.

Lexie - Do you believe in people?

Archie - We just never really had a chance to talk it through, you know . . . see how we feel, reach common ground. Thatís important, donít you think? [Lexie has fallen asleep] Itís okay, Lexie, I always have this effect on women in bed.

 

10 - Penrith

Katrinaís house

Alan - [awoken by phone ringing, answers it] Hello. Hello? [Archie, hearing Alanís voice, hangs up. Katrina comes out of her bedroom] Iím sorry, I didnít think, I was asleep. Whoever it was rang off anyway.

Katrina - I wonder who it was.

Alan - Something wrong?

Katrina - Canít sleep. Too excited. Too nervous.

Alan - Youíll walk it. Just trust your Uncle Alan.

Katrina - You can be very sweet when you put your mind to it, you know.

Alan - Is that supposed to be a compliment?

Katrina - Itís the only one youíre getting.

Alan - So why donít you stop messing about and kiss me?

Katrina - [kisses him, then pulls back abruptly] What díyou fancy, hot chocolate or Horlicks8?

Alan - It doesnít matter. Just put some bromide in it, will you?

 

Sleeper on train

[drunk and half asleep, Lexie and Archie start kissing]

Archie - [opens his eyes] Lexie!

Lexie - Who did you think it was?

Archie - We canít do this.

Lexie - Youíre not enjoying it, is that what youíre trying to tell me?

Archie - No, but . . . [Lexie gets up] What are you doing?

Lexie - Where are we? I want to know where it happened. [looks out train window] Penrith! You know, thatís where Bonnie Prince Charlie fought his last battle in England.

Archie - Lexie, no, youíre not getting back in this bed.

Lexie - Oh, come on.

Archie - No, think how youíll feel in the morning.

Lexie - Oh, trust you to go all manly and decisive at this stage in the proceedings. [climbs into upper bunk]

 

11 - Duly Elected

Downstairs foyer

Hector - Yes, but Iíve got work to do this morning.

Molly - Surely your golf column in the ďHorse and HoundĒ can wait a few hours, Hector.

Hector - But where are we going?

Molly - To the count for the election. Katrina and Kilwillie.

Hector - Oh, yes, election, yeah. I forgot to vote for the blighter, you know.

Molly - Iíve a feeling about today, Hector. Weíre standing on the threshold of history. Centuries of oppression are about to end.

Hector - Youíre not suggesting you voted for that girl, are you?

Molly - Hector, dear, there are days in life in which one is the fly, and rare, magical moments in which one is at long last the windscreen. Come on.

Hector - What windscreen? Has Duncan been messing about with that land rover again?

 

Glenbogle train station

Archie - Okay?

Lexie - Iím never mixing red wine with tequila again. Listen, about last night . . . thanks very much.

Archie - My pleasure.

Lexie - No, it wasnít. Anyway, youíre a gentleman. Showing your breeding, Archie MacDonald. Still, it wasnít a bad snog, was it?

Archie - No, Lexie, it was a damn fine snog.

Lexie - [kisses him again, briefly] Maybe weíll get another chance -- when Iím not half pished.

Archie - Come on, letís go home.

Lexie - I feel like weíre in that old movie. What was it? ďShort Encounter.Ē

 

Community center

[Kilwille, Katrina, and Alan watch people counting votes at the tables]

Man - Any idea when we might expect a result?

 

Glenbogle train station

Archie - [to taxi driver] Can you take us to the Community Center first, please? [to Lexie] You donít mind, do you?

 

Community center

Returning Officer - Dougal Henderson: 214. [applause] Angus Archibald Kilwillie: 782. [more applause] Katrina Finlay . . . 1000 [applause, Alan cheers] . . . and 23.

Hector - What is the world coming to?

Returning Officer - I hereby declare that Katrina Finlay has been duly elected to serve as a member of the Highland Council for the Glenbogle ward. [Hector and Kilwillie exchange shocked looks]

Molly - [hugs Katrina] My dear . . . youíve done so well.

Archie - [hugs Katrina as well] Well done.

Katrina - See? I told you I could do it without the help of the MacDonalds. Well, the men anyway.

Archie - What do you mean? I voted for you.

Katrina - Did you? I didnít know that. Why didnít you tell me?

Archie - Katrina, Iím sure youíll do a good job.

Katrina - How did it go with Justine?

Alan - [interrupting them] Your speech.

 

Katrina - [at the microphone] First of all, Iíd like to thank the returning officer . . .

 

End of Episode 7, Series 1

 

1. Robert the Bruce - Scottish King who was victorious against the English at Bannockburn and who, in 1328, restored Scotlandís independence from England. Back to transcript

2. Robbie Burns - Scotlandís national poet Back to transcript

3. Val Doonican - popular Irish TV singer/entertainer on BBC1 in the 60s and 70s. ďWalk TallĒ (1964) was his first record hit. Back to transcript

4. O.A.P. - Old Age Pensioner Back to transcript

5. ceilidh - Irish or Scottish social gathering with traditional music, dancing, and storytelling. Back to transcript

6. Waltzing Matilda - the un-official national anthem of Australia. Given Lennyís earlier ďNo worriesĒ, Iím guessing the whiskey was meant for him. Back to transcript

7. buttie - north England slang; sandwich Back to transcript

8. Horlicks - according to the companyís website, ďa nourishing malted drink which combines . . . malted barley, wheat and dairy ingredientsĒ and that ďhas a beneficial effect on your sleepĒ Back to transcript

BACK to Transcripts Page

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