Monarch of the Glen

Episode Transcripts

 

Series 1, Episode 8

Based on the novels by Compton MacKenzie

Produced by Nick Pitt
Directed by A.J. Quinn
Written by Michael Chaplin

For BBC Scotland
Airdate: April 16, 2000

 

Zzickle's Notes:

I don't own Monarch of the Glen - The contents of this transcript are taken directly from the episode (with help of closed captions), to the best of my ability.

These transcripts were made because 1. My dad has trouble understanding some of the very Scottish accents (and colloquialisms), 2. The DVDs have closed captions, not subtitles, which can only be viewed on our computer, not with any TV DVD players, and 3. Even on the computer, the captions are very hard to read because of the way that they overlap on top of each other.

If you want to post this transcript on your site, please let me know where it is going so I can visit it. Also, please post it with my name (Zzickle) and website (http://zzickle.topcities.com/) on it.

You are more than welcome to use these transcripts in your fanfiction stories, no notification required.

Cast List:

Archie MacDonald - Alastair Mackenzie
              Laird of Glenbogle

Hector MacDonald - Richard Briers
              Archie's father

Molly MacDonald - Susan Hampshire
              Archie's mother

Golly Mackenzie - Alexander Morton
              Estate groundskeeper

Lexie MacDonald - Dawn Steele
              Estate housekeeper

Duncan McKay - Hamish Clark
              Estate handyman

Justine Thatcher - Anna Wilson-Jones
              Archie's girlfriend

Katrina Finlay - Loraine Pilkington
              school teacher

Alan Smythe - Paul Goodwin
              Katrinaís ex-boyfriend

Lancelot Fleming - Simon Slater
              bank accountant

Surveyor - Billy Riddock
              Mr. Aitcheson

 

1 - Letís Just Get This Over With

Driveway

Hector - Come on. Iím only obeying orders.

Archie - Not right now, father, please.

Hector - In your very interesting lecture, ďGlenbogle, the business,Ē you said, and I quote, ďGood communications is at the heart of every thriving enterprise,Ē so--

Archie - When I get back, okay?

Hector - Thereís a spot of damp in the wine cellar. I thought it imperative you be informed without delay. Thank you very much.

Katrina - [walking up] Archie.

Archie - I canít stop. Iíve gotta get Justine from the airport.

Katrina - Well, when you get back, I want to talk to you about your responsibilities as a landlord. Iíve just been to see some of your properties and theyíre in a terrible state.

Archie - Great, another conversation to look forward to.

 

Inverness Airport

Archie - Justine, how are you?

Justine - [avoiding his kiss] Letís just get this over with, shall we?

 

2 - Main Titles

[opening credits]

 

3 - Come Home

Wine cellar

Hector - Right. Careful. [tromps down the stairs]

Golly - Damp, you said.

Hector - Yes. Dear, oh dear -- hello! What have we here? [fishes bottle from flooded cellar] Ho ho, weíre in luck. Chateau Lafite í55. Marvelous.

 

Inverness Airport

Archie - Would you come to Glenbogle?

Justine - To live?

Archie - Mm-hmm.

Justine - Are you asking me to?

Archie - I just wanted to know.

Justine - A hypothetical question. No, Archie. I wouldnít. My lifeís in London. My family, my friends, my work. Our work.

Archie - Right.

Justine - And Glenbogleís not for me. Your fatherís right. Iíd never make a Lairdís wife in a million years. In any case . . . you have plenty of other candidates, donít you?

 

Dining room

Molly - [polishing silver with Lexie] Oh, I donít suppose heíll remember. Never does. Sorry, as you were. He did remember our 25th. Even gave me a gift, the collected works of Sir Walter Scott, bound in deerskin. It sadly wasnít properly cured and the dogs tore it to bits one day in a wild, animalistic frenzy. [Lexie silently continues polishing] Iím going to be leaving Glenbogle, Lexie. Iíve been offered a job as an exotic dancer in Las Vegas.

Lexie - [distracted] Have you? [turns around] What did you say?

Molly - I wonder how Archieís getting on?

Lexie - Aye. Poor Archie.

 

Inverness Airport

Justine - If youíre staying at Glenbogle . . . I want to buy out your share of the restaurant.

Archie - What?

Justine - Iíve had a valuation. Leasehold, stock, name, good will, the lot. 130,000.

Archie - And you have the investors to put up the money?

Justine - My family. And Lenny wants to buy a share.

Archie - Lenny?

Justine - Heís a terrific chef.

Archie - And a bit of a dish himself, yes?

Justine - What do you say?

Archie - Well, Iíd like a few days to think it over, if thatís all right.

P.A. - . . . Flight 7947 to London Gatwick. Would all passengers be set in preparation for boarding?

Justine - Iíd better go. Archie . . . Iíd like nothing better than for you to turn me down. Say, ďNo, Iím leaving Glenbogle -- coming back to London.Ē I want you, Archie. And I want our future back.

P.A. - British Airways announces the departure of Flight 7947 to London Gatwick.

Archie - Iíll call you after the weekend. [they kiss]

Justine - Come home.

 

Dining room

Molly - Look at my husband. A man who turned idleness into an art form. [looks out window at Hector and Golly in lawn chairs drinking the bottle of wine]

Duncan - [entering with tray] I brought you some tea.

Molly - Ah, thank you, Duncan.

Duncan - And I got you some diggies1 as well.

Lexie - Sweet boy. Youíre too good to me.

Duncan - Um . . . Lexie, are you . . . um . . .

Lexie - You look hot, Dunc. Why donít you go and take a dip in our new pool and cool off?

Duncan - Pool? Och, aye. I canít wait to see Archieís face when he finds out about that.

 

Katrinaís house

Katrina - [answering phone] Hello?

Alan - Katrina, itís your man here.

Katrina - Oh. Alan.

Alan - Iím sorry itís not Scotlandís first minister offering you a seat in his cabinet. Listen, I was thinking I might come up this weekend.

Katrina - Iím sorry, but--

Alan - Oh, come on, sweetheart.

Katrina - Alan . . . just because you helped me with the election, and then in a moment of gratitude after a few drinks--

Alan - You snogged me, yes.

Katrina - It doesnít mean weíve suddenly ignited a wild passion, okay? Donít make assumptions.

Alan - Of course not, no. Did the flowers arrive, by the way?

Katrina - Yes. And theyíre very nice, thank you. [hears knock at door] Look, Alan . . . Iíve got to go, okay? Bye. [hangs up]

Alan - Okay, but listen--

[camera shows Alanís car sitting in front of ďMacKechnieís Stores / Licensed Grocers, Glenbogle 227Ē]

 

4 - Flemingís Return

Katrinaís house

Archie - Are you, uh, on your own?

Katrina - Yes. Why?

Archie - I just thought maybe your friend might be here.

Katrina - Alan lives in Edinburgh, not here.

Archie - I see. Look, Katrina, I have to decide what Iím going to do. Whether to stay, whether to go. And whatever I do, Iím gonna hurt someone a lot. My parents or Justine--

Katrina - What do you want, Archie?

Archie - Well, thatís just it. I canít begin to consider that. Every time I think about what I want, I see the look on their faces when I tell them.

Katrina - Listen, Archie, and Iím talking man-to-man here-- [hears knocking at door] Sorry. Hang on a sec. [goes offscreen to answer door] Alan.

Alan - [offscreen] Surprise, surprise!

 

Glenbogle Estate grounds

Hector - [sitting in lawn chair] Ahh . . . Iíve been saving this Lafite for years. My father laid it down in í55, you know.

Golly - And knocked it back in í56, Iíll bet.

Hector - [laughs] Now, Iíd like it here, in full view of the house, with the waters of the loch behind. Message received and understood?

Golly - Roger and out.

Hector - Mind you, Archieíll put the kibosh on it if he gets wind.

Golly - Careless talk costs lives.

Hector - Absolutely. Now, what about the ground? Is it a bit uneven, do you think? [Hector and Golly start pacing off an area of ground]

Molly - [walks up] Hector? What are you doing?

Hector - Doing? Nothing, darling. Nothing at all.

Molly - The pair of you look like Mr. and Mrs. Mussolini after a night on the Chianti.

Hector - [laughs] Well, you know, dear, when a couple of old sweats from the Cameron Highlanders get together, theyíre bound to start reminiscing.

Molly - Is that right, Golly?

Golly - Sorry, I can only reveal my name, rank, and serial number.

Molly - Anyway, Archieís nearly here. Heís just been spotted passing the llama farm.

Hector - What do you want us for? Guard of honor? Shall I rustle up a brass band?

Molly - Heís been to see Justine. About their future. His future. Our future.

 

Katrinaís house

Alan - [handing box of chocolates to Katrina] And all because . . . the lady loves . . .

Katrina - Alan, Iíve told you!

Alan - I was going to abseil2 down the chimney but I thought I might get soot on my strides.

Katrina - I donít want nut clusters! I want peace and quiet! And personal space.

Alan - I love your anger. Sends shivers through my vitals!

 

Downstairs foyer

Archie - Hello? [walks into library to find everyone gathered there, having tea] Hi.

Molly - Hello, darling.

Hector - Back again, then?

Golly - Laddie.

Duncan - Old jalopy keep you going okay there?

Lexie - You must be tired, wee man. [hands Archie cup of tea]

Archie - Oh, thanks, Lexie.

Lexie - My pleasure.

Molly - So, howís Justine then?

Hector - And that, uh, cafeteria of yours?

Archie - Well--

Fleming - [from foyer] Yoo-hoo.

Archie - Well, the thing is, I--

Fleming - Anybody home?

Lexie - I know that voice.

Fleming - [enters library] Ta-da!

Lexie - Fleming! Oh, my wee banker man!

Fleming - [hugs Lexie] Oh! Oh my.

Duncan - Not that daft gowk again.

Fleming - Hello, one and all.

Archie - What are you doing here?

Fleming - Just had a meeting in Aberdeen. Thought Iíd pop over, you know.

Lexie - Look at you, Flem, the gear.

Fleming - I know. Cost me a fortune. But I thought Iíd be properly dressed this time. Look, this watch has got a compass underneath it.

Lexie - Thatíll come in handy when youíre trying to find the bathroom in the middle of the night. So . . . another inspection by our favorite financial advisor, is it? Youíve come to give us the once over?

Fleming - I very much hope so, Lexie. [snorts] Oh, hello, Duncan. [Duncan glares at him]

Molly - Mr. Fleming, you must stay for the weekend. [Duncan turns and starts poking savagely at the logs in the fireplace]

 

5 - A Radical Step

Estate Office

Fleming - And the sporting side and paying guests are starting to produce decent income. Youíre almost not making a loss. Well done.

Archie - Thanks. But, um . . . you didnít really have a meeting in Aberdeen, did you?

Fleming - No. The thing is, Iíve tried to protect you from the bank. My boss just found out that Iíd let you increase that whacking great debt of yours. He went bananas.

Archie - Oh, dear. I hope we havenít got you into trouble?

Fleming - Oh, no, no. No, um . . . but now he wants blood and if he canít have bucketfuls of yours -- heíll make do with mine.

Archie - I see.

Fleming - Sorry, Archie . . . but Iím afraid you need to produce a wedge of dosh now, for me to take back to London.

Archie - Iím, um . . . Iím thinking of selling out my share in the restaurant.

Fleming - Is that entirely wise? Sink all your capital into these old stones?

Archie - Well, who else is gonna do it?

Fleming - Fair point. All the same, radical step. No going back.

Archie - Iíd appreciate it if you kept it to yourself. I havenít made my mind up just yet. [sighs]

 

Downstairs foyer

Archie - Itís either more income or less expansion, and I canít see how to do either.

Fleming - Why donít you realize some assets?

Archie - What assets?

Fleming - I donít know . . . like flogging off some cottages in the village that you let for two and thruppence haípenny a week?

Archie - What, sell the village?

Fleming - Still, Archie, at least the fabric of this place is in reasonable nick.

Hector - Ah! Memo to Chief Executive, Glenbogle Enterprises Inc.: Donít forget to inspect touch of damp in wine and spirits department. Thank you.

 

Wine cellar

Archie - [listening to water drip in flooded cellar] ďTouch of dampĒ?

Fleming - Admirable aptitude for understatement, your father.

 

Kitchen

Duncan - [as Lexie picks up tea tray] Oh, here. Iíll take that.

Lexie - Thanks, wee man. I know I give you a hard time sometimes. Iím sorry. Youíre a sweetie.

Duncan - [leaves kitchen with tray, sees Archie in hallway] Boss, boss? Can I have a word of advice?

Archie - From me? You must be joking. Iím sorry, what is it?

Duncan - Well, the thing is . . . if you cared for someone but you never ever thought that she cared back . . .

Archie - Uh-huh?

Duncan - And then she started being nice to you, I mean, really, really nice - no more sniping, no cracks or jokes - what would you think?

Archie - Iíd think that it was my lucky day. That maybe . . . sheíd seen the real me, maybe even fallen a little bit in--

Duncan - You really think?

Surveyor - Mr. MacDonald?!

Archie - Coming. [leaves]

Duncan - In love with -- Lexie!

Archie - [pokes his head back in] Duncan?

Duncan - [stopping at end of empty hallway] Lexie . . . darling, I fancy you rotten -- no. [walks short distance, stops again] Iím sweet on you, and I really -- you know, and I think that you may be . . . just a bit . . . [starts walking again] So why donít me and you-- [hears Lexie and Fleming laughing together, stops outside kitchen door to listen]

Fleming - No, my dear Lexie, till you came along, life was pretty barren on the femininity front.

Lexie - You must have had girlfriends though?

Fleming - Careful with your plurals, hope of my heart.

Lexie - Well, what was she like? Was she pretty?

Fleming - She looked a bit like -- Do you know a football manager called Harry Redknapp?

Lexie - My dad used to say about my gran, ďIím not saying sheís ugly, but when she puts her makeup on, the lipstick starts backing up into the tube.Ē [Fleming laughs] But listen, Flem, I mean youíre funny, young . . . --ish, good job, if a bit on the dull side . . . quite nice looking. Whatís the problem here?

Fleming - You tell me. Itís just . . . when I meet girls, they seem to take an instant dislike to me. Why, Iíve no idea.

Lexie - Maybe it just saves time.

Fleming - Beg pardon?

Lexie - Flem, youíre good for me.

Fleming - That, my dear, is my main purpose in life. So you enjoyed your trip to London?

Lexie - Amazing. Far too short.

Fleming - Weíll put that right next time. [Duncan, still eavesdropping, leaves in a huff] I was very upset you didnít come to see me.

 

Wine cellar

Archie - And how are we going to get rid of it?

Surveyor - Pump it all out. Lay some drains from here to the loch. Put in a pump that kicks in automatically when it rains. Fairly simple.

Archie - Right.

Surveyor - So far. There is something else. [wades through water to wall] Look at this.

Archie - What is it?

Surveyor - Crack in load bearing wall. Subsidence.

Archie - Oh, no.

Surveyor - Iíll need to inspect the rest of the house. And youíd better go and do what people always do in these unfortunate situations.

 

Estate Office

Duncan - I must be the biggest booby in Glenbogle!

Archie - [looking through files] What?

Duncan - I should have known. She goes down to London her usual scratchy self and comes back like Mary Poppins.

Archie - Not now, Duncan.

Duncan - And who lives in London? That little banker. Heís had his way with her.

Archie - [still looking through files] Here we are.

Duncan - Iíve just heard them cooing on each other like a couple of rock doves. Heís wrecked my life. But Iíll have my revenge. Youíll see.

Archie - [flipping through papers] Right.

Duncan - You donít think she loves him, do you? [Archie ignores him] Oh, horrible. Horrible! [leaves]

Archie - Okay, right. Just tell me things canít get any-- [stops mid-sentence, drops paper onto floor]

 

6 - A Small Problem of Maintenance

Driveway

Surveyor - [pointing to blueprints] Here . . . here . . . and here. You havenít noticed?

Archie - There are 43 rooms here. I havenít been in some of them since I was a boy.

Surveyor - The evidence is there for all to see. This whole wing of the house is sinking fast. The place is unsafe. My strong advice is to get everyone out, and now -- while we get the builders in.

Archie - How much?

Surveyor - Iím only a surveyor, Mr. MacDonald, but . . . I donít think youíll get much change out of six figures. Ach, but donít worry, in my experience, the insurance companies are very good with this sort of thing.

Archie - They might be if you still had a policy with them.

Surveyor - Oh dear, oh dear.

Archie - Thank you for coming so quickly, Mr. Aitcheson. I appreciate it.

Surveyor - Aye. [drives away]

Fleming - [approaching] The commanding officer of the food police sent me. She and Molly are concerned you might fade away without immediate ingestion of luncheon. [is hit on head by something wet from above] Ooh! Ah! That hurt. [Archie continues to stare after departed car] Something wrong?

Archie - Just a small problem of maintenance.

Fleming - I donít think the bank can help out this time, much as Iíd like to.

Archie - Should I sell out, Fleming? You know, my share of the restaurant?

Fleming - You could, but -- Look, Archie, I love this place, but itís a black hole. Fleets of fifty pound notes are sent into it and . . . never seen again. Iíd better rejoin the ladies. [is hit again from above] Ow! Oh . . . What on earth?

[Duncan watches from upstairs window as Fleming goes inside.]

 

Middle of lake

Archie - [sitting in row boat, turns on cell phone and dials] Justine. Hello? [phone beeps at him] Hello, goodbye. [turns phone back off]

 

Glenbogle Estate grounds

Fleming - Hey, Lady of the Lake, how do you fancy a spin around the loch?

Lexie - Canít, Captain Birdís Eye. Iíve got the dinner to cook.

Fleming - Thought I might have a go after Iíve peeled the spuds for you. Havenít played Swallows and Amazons3 for years. [they go inside as Duncan watches from corner of building]

 

[on lawn, radio playing in background]

Molly - [dancing slowly with Hector] Oh, Hector, this reminds me, Iíve been thinking about our anniversary. Perhaps having a small party?

Hector - Nonsense, darling. Who need celebrations when every day of our long . . .

Molly and Hector - [together] And apparently endless marriage . . .

Hector - Is like the first day of spring, eh? [they laugh]

Archie - [approaching] Mother, Father, I need to talk to you.

 

Library

Hector - I mean . . . canít you just leave it? It might just . . . go away.

Archie - It isnít safe to stay here. We have to move out.

Hector - Temporary, you mean, while the builders fix it?

Archie - Yes.

Hector - How very boring, not to say inconvenient.

Molly - Hector!

Hector - I suppose Kilwillie could put us up for a couple of weeks.

Archie - There is something else. The bank are insisting that we reduce the debt. Fleming canít hold them off any longer.

Hector - Oh, dear. Insurance policy canít sort that one out?

Archie - No.

Molly - What are you going to do, Archie?

Archie - Well, when I saw Justine, she offered to buy me out of the restaurant.

Molly - Oh, Archie. You two havenít split up, have you?

Archie - It could solve our problems. Well, some of them.

Hector - Capital.

Molly - You mustnít. You mustnít do this.

Hector - Itís not your concern, Molly.

Molly - Throwing good money after bad, ruining your relationship with Justine.

Hector - He is a MacDonald of Glenbogle, of the 16th generation.

Molly - Nothing would please me more than for you to stay and settle here, but it must be your own decision.

Hector - He is the laird of this ancient house. He holds it in sacred trust for his children and grandchildren to come!

Archie - Please, donít argue. It just makes it worse.

 

7 - The Stench of Betrayal

Hallway

Katrina - Archie, listen, we still havenít resolved this business about your tenants. Mrs. McLeodís kitchenís in an awful state.

Archie - Can I just say something?

Katrina - Sheís got a damp patch the size of the North Sea.

Archie - A damp patch? You wanna see a damp patch? Iíll show you a damp patch. [grabs her by the arm and drags her down the hallway]

Katrina - Archie! [looks down into flooded cellar] Archie, this is terrible. What are you going to do?

Archie - I donít know. Throw myself into it. Iím sorry.

Katrina - Itís okay.

 

Glenbogle Estate grounds

Fleming - [walking down cobbled path] Ahh.

[Duncan watches from behind tree as Fleming walks down to lake shore and climb into rowboat.]

 

Middle of lake

Fleming - [rowing, suddenly notices holes in bottom of boat as water bubbles in] Help! Help, Iím sinking. He-e-elp! Help!! Help, Iím sinking! Help! Help! [starts trying to bail water with his baseball cap] Help, Iím going under! [Duncan, holding an auger, watches and smiles.]

[Flemingís boat capsizes and he flounders a moment before suddenly realizing that the water is only thigh deep. He stands, composes himself, and starts wading back toward shore.]

 

Dining room

Lexie - [handing out plates of food] Roast loin of pork with a herb crust.

Fleming - Yum.

Molly - So perhaps we should get our heads together about what to take, Lexie. I must say Iím rather looking forward to my little break. Though I sometimes wish I could make it permanent.

Lexie - [as Hector adds salt and pepper to his meal] It is seasoned, Hector.

Molly - Archie, perhaps youíd tell your father that it is an insult to the cook to fling condiments on a carefully prepared dish like that.

Hector - Archie, perhaps youíd tell your mother to mind her own business and keep her elegant nose out of my dinner. [sneezes from the pepper]

Fleming - I had a brain wave. You know that notion of selling the village, Archie?

Archie - Oh, yeah?

Fleming - I thought of someone who might give you a good price.

Hector - What do you mean ďsell the villageĒ?

Fleming - Another client of the bank -- rather good client, actually--

Hector - Who?

Fleming - Your friend and neighbor, Kilwillie.

Hector - Kilwillie?!

Fleming - He said that that land once belonged to his family, Mr. MacDonald, till yours stole it with considerable grievous bodily harm, in 1588. he wants it back and is happy to pay big time for it.

Hector - Over my dead body!

Lexie - That can easily be arranged.

Hector - Now look here--[sneezes]

Molly - Mr. Fleming, that sounds an excellent idea. [Hector throws down his napkin and stands] Where are you going?

Hector - The stench of betrayal has ruined my appetite. [sneezes again, leaves]

Archie - Quite a tempting proposition, though, isnít it?

 

Workroom

Duncan - [sawing something] ďMy clientís a man who insists on hearing bad news immediately.Ē [chuckles]

Lexie - [offscreen] Dunc! Are you there?

Duncan - Just a minute. [covers project with piece of burlap]

Lexie - Dinnerís on the table. What are you doing?

Duncan - Nothing. Just . . . a bit of . . . butchery. Iíll be there in a minute. [Lexie leaves, Duncan bends over and picks up large bottle of ketchup]

Lexie - [poking her head back in as Duncan hides ketchup bottle behind his back] Oh, have you seen the ketchup?

Duncan - Nah. [Lexie leaves again, Duncan takes ketchup bottle over to the burlap]

 

Flemingís bedroom, night

[Fleming tosses, turns, wakes to find what looks like blood covering his hand. He folds back the covers and screams when he finds there the ďbloodyĒ head of a deer.]

 

8 - Archie vs. Katrina

Downstairs foyer, morning

Lexie - Hector? Hector? Thereís no sign?

Archie - He canít have gone far. Must be sulking somewhere.

Lexie - [as Fleming stumbles down the stairs, whimpering] Darling, whatís up?

Fleming - [turns, sees deer head mounted on the wall] Aah!

 

Katrinaís house

Alan - [fixing breakfast as Katrina comes out of her room] Hi, sweetheart. I came to see you, but you were on the phone. You only had muesli, so I went down to the shops for some sugar puffs. And bacon and eggs. Fancy a fry-up? Iím starved.

Katrina - Would you stop blathering? Iím not interested in a running commentary of your fascinating morning.

Alan - Okay.

Katrina - And would you look at this place! You have no right to come in here and -- I live here, you know?

Alan - Oh, really? Youíve hardly been in since I got here. Iím trying hard not to see a cause and effect relationship between the two.

Katrina - I never asked you to come, Alan.

Alan - Iím aware of that. I came because I needed to see you. I hoped you might begin to reciprocate.

Katrina - Iím sorry.

Alan - I also came to look at property. I thought . . . I might buy a place here . . . base myself here. So we could be together. What do you think of that? As if I didnít know.

Katrina - Alan, I . . .

Alan - Your silence is eloquent. Iím away down at pub.

 

9 - Rooftop Protest

Glenbogle Estate grounds

Archie - Duncan? Duncan! Golly? What are you doing?

Golly - [holding measuring tape] Uh . . . nothing. Just -- just measuring the grass.

Katrina - [storming up] You have surpassed yourself this time! There I was, being all sympathetic about your problems, and then I hear your solution.

Archie - What are you talking about?

Katrina - Selling the land from underneath our feet! Homes that people have lived in for generations.

Archie - Nothingís been decided.

Katrina - Donít deny it. Itís all over the village.

Archie - I donít doubt it. Who need the internet when we have the good women of Glenbogle? Thank you very much, Lexie.

Katrina - And flogging it to some millionaire like it was a rich manís plaything. Well, itís not. Itís a living, breathing community, and I demand you discuss this mess with me right now.

Archie - With you?

Katrina - As a democratically elected member of the Highland Council.

Archie - Ah, of course. Well, maybe -- maybe you could look at it this way: I am one of your constituents. I have problems. Am I, therefore, not worthy of your help, your sympathy, your understanding? [interrupted by Hector clearing his throat] What is it?

Katrina - Hector!

Archie - [looks up to see Hector sitting on balcony above them] Father? What are you doing?

Hector - Rooftop protest. What those jailbirds get up to.

Archie - What, on the balcony outside my bedroom?

Hector - Iím not coming down till you come to your senses.

Archie - [climbing wooden ladder leaning against balcony rail] This is childish, even by your own spectacular standards. You donít know the half of this estateís problems.

Hector - Iím taking no food, but ask Lexie to send up another flask and some more old Country Lifes.

Archie - [sees Duncan below] Duncan!

 

Kitchen

Katrina - The thing is, Lexie, when it comes right down to it, all men are bampots.

Lexie - Youíll be telling me next Dolly Parton has to sleep on her back.

Katrina - And definitely not worth fighting over.

Lexie - No, but itís kinda nice when theyíre fighting over you.

Katrina - And what is Archie, anyway? The sorry product of centuries of inbreeding. You know the term ďgene poolĒ?

Lexie - Isnít that where Duncan washes his trousers?

Katrina - Well, this familyís been swimming in a tiny one for too long, and the heir apparentís sinking, in more ways than one.

Lexie - Aye, they need some vigorous working class spermies to get them going right enough.

Katrina - Speaking of which, do you know how Golly got his name? [Lexie shakes her head] A woman down the village told me. Apparently, one summer years ago, when Hector could afford more staff, Golly took a bonnie young lass to a dance, Gay Gordoned4 the stockings off her and took her down by the river.

Lexie - For a canoodle?

Katrina - One thing led to another, as they do, she unbuttoned her frock, he undid his -- and she was so amazed, so flabbergasted by what confronted her, she cried . . .

Lexie and Katrina - [together] Golly! [they laugh]

Golly - [enters kitchen] Whatís up? [both girls crack up again]

 

Workroom

Archie - Apart from the fact that Mr. Fleming represents the bank to which the estate is indebted, he is in this house as a guest.

Duncan - Cuckoo in the nest, you mean.

Archie - I also consider him a friend!

Duncan - Are you gonna sack me then?

Archie - No, of course not. But you have to apologize to him.

Duncan - Oh, no!

Archie - Yes.

Duncan - Iíd rather cut my own tongue out!

Archie - Duncan, youíre making this very difficult.

Duncan - See -- Iím fond of Lexie, maybe you noticed. Anyway, this fella slimed his way in and had a -- dalliance with her.

Archie - Dalliance?

Duncan - She went down to London to be with him and he -- he . . . I can hardly bring myself to say it. He . . . despoiled her.

Archie - Of course he didnít. She never even saw him.

Duncan - Well, how do you know?

Archie - Because she was with me all the time. I never let her out of my sight. We even shared a sleeper compartment on the way home.

Duncan - What?!

Fleming - [who was eavesdropping at the door] What?!

Duncan - So it was you that was doing the despoiling, was it?

Archie - No, of course not. We never -- well, it was nothing really.

Fleming - Wha--what was nothing?

Archie - Well, I . . . we . . . well, we just--

Duncan - You dirty--

Fleming - How could you, Archie? After all Iíve done for you.

Duncan - Right, thatís it. Iím done with this place. And you.

Fleming - I offer the hand of friendship . . . and all I get back is the tickle of cold steel between the shoulder blades.

Duncan - Mr. Fleming . . . may I tender my sincere apologies?

Fleming - [shakes his hand] Accepted, Duncan.

Duncan - Right. Letís you and me leave this toe-rag and go and get pished.

 

Downstairs foyer

Molly - Hello, Archie.

Archie - Mother.

Molly - Whatís wrong?

Archie - Why is it I can never do anything right?

Molly - Oh, my special child. Let me tell you something -- for me, you could never do anything wrong. [hugs Archie] Thereís no insurance policy, is there?

Archie - [shakes his head] The last premium wasnít paid. I have to find 100,000 and thatís just for starters.

Molly - You tried to keep it from us to protect us. [hears arguing from the next room] Oh, what is it now?

Lexie - [offscreen] Will somebody just explain?

Duncan - [entering room with Fleming and Lexie following] I said no.

Lexie - Duncan, for heavenís sake. Fleming, please.

Fleming - I find Iím unable to speak to you just now, Alexandra.

Lexie - [following Duncan and Fleming outside] What?

Fleming - I -- that is to say, we -- my friend Duncan and I, are disappointed, nay, hurt, by your actions.

Hector - [from overhead balcony] Whatís going on down there?

Archie - [coming outside] Lexie.

Lexie - Archie, how could you?

Archie - Let me explain, I--

Lexie - Your fatherís right. Youíre a cad and a bounder.

Archie - Where are you going?

Lexie - [climbing ladder to balcony] Iím not gonna speak to you ever again. At least not until you make it right.

Hector - Come on up, child. Whatís going on?

Lexie - Just the usual -- everyone having fun at your sonís expense.

Katrina - [watching from doorway] Archie?

Archie - Not now, please.

Katrina - Iím not here to give you unwanted advice. Itís up to you what you do with your life. Itís got nothing to do with me after all.

Archie - Eh?

Katrina - Except, in so far as it affects my constituents.

Archie - Katrina, why donít you just shut up?

Katrina - What?

Archie - As usual, you are speaking to me with all the sympathy and human understanding--

Katrina - You donít understand. Iím just trying to tell you--

Archie - I am just like you, you know, really! I have feelings, too. If you prick me, do I not bleed?

Katrina - Archie!

Archie - Well, Iíve had enough, okay? Why donít you just get lost?

Katrina - Archie, you-- [frustrated, she slaps him on the shoulder, hard, and climbs the ladder to join Hector and Lexie]

Hector - [applauding with Lexie] Hear, hear. Easy does it.

Lexie - Come away in. The Glenbogle Two become the Glenbogle Three.

Hector - [helping Katrina over the railing] There we are.

Katrina - Yep.

Hector - Good girl. Now, Katrina, Iíve just read a very interesting article in Country Life about Scottish land reform.

 

10 - Gollyís Advice

River, fishing spot

Archie - [sitting on the large rock] Itís very hypnotic. And soothing.

Golly - Oh, Archie. Iím not . . . Iím not much of a one for giving advice, aside of how to hold a gun or . . . caress the water with a fly. I know nothing about business, nor even about what people call love. But, only thing I can say to you is . . . something Iíve failed to do all my life. Follow your heart, son. Follow your heart.

 

Pub - The Stag & Stalker

Fleming - Itís always the same, Duncan. Disappointment. Disillusion. Betrayal.

Duncan - She made toothpicks from the timbers of my heart.

Fleming - The unchanging pattern of my life.

Duncan - Thatís a country and western song. Itís in Gollyís collection.

Fleming - I know Iím not good looking, I know that.

Duncan - ďGet your tongue out of my mouth Ďcause Iím kissing you goodbye.Ē Thatís another.

Fleming - When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. I liked Archie, you know? Trusted him, had a real soft spot for him.

Duncan - Iíve still got one -- in a trench in the vegetable garden. [Fleming snorts in laughter]

Alan - [sitting down next to them at the bar] All right, lads? Can I buy you a drink?

 

Balcony

Lexie - [from below] Nursery foodís coming up.

Katrina - [climbing down ladder] Iíll talk to as many tenants as I can, okay?

Hector - Excellent. [to Lexie] What about sandwiches?

Lexie - Banana and chutney? Chocks away.

Hector - Oh, good! I love a Ďnana sarnie.5 [hauls on rope tied to basket of food] Yes. [pulls basket over edge of balcony rail]

 

Pub - The Stag & Stalker

Fleming - [stumbling out of pub] I need to get my things.

Duncan - Iíll give you a lift to the station.

Fleming - No, you -- you wonít. Youíre as squiffy as sixty billy goats. [takes Duncanís keys and throws them, nearly falling in the process]

 

Glenbogle Village

Woman - Thank you, dear.

Katrina - [to Alan] Spare me the glassy, meaningless smile of the drunk.

Alan - [grabbing her hand and falling to his knees] Marry me.

Katrina - What?

Alan - Itís crazy, but it might work.

Katrina - Why would I marry you, Alan?

Alan - Because Iím mad about you. Because I love you. Because I want to have your babies. Well, Iím not sure about that last bit.

Katrina - Iím sorry, but the answer is no. Anyway, youíre drunk.

Alan - Iím not drunk! And I meant what I said. Inside this tough, manly exterior, my heart is bursting with an intense longing for you.

Katrina - Alan . . . thatís very sweet, and Iím very fond of you, but I donít love you. How can I marry you if I donít love you?

Alan - Got the hots for someone else, is that it? Your tame aristo? Oh, aye, heís such a nice guy. But I hear heís reverted to type . . . having his way with the staff like so many of his forebears.

Katrina - Alan.

Alan - I donít know what the radical feminist line is on that kind of hanky-panky, but it reeks of the worst kind of sexual exploitation to me.

Katrina - Thank you, but I already knew.

Alan - Katrina, you know . . . youíre one of those women who just canít work out what they want, but theyíre nevertheless prepared to fight to the death to get it.

Katrina - Goodbye, Alan.

 

Balcony

[Hector and Lexie hiss at Archie as he walks past below them, ignoring them.]

Katrina - [climbing ladder] Positive reaction.

Hector - Excellent. Now we can deal with the money side. Ahh! Banker chappie. Duncan, convey the abacus operative up here, would you?

 

11 - Archieís Decision

Downstairs foyer

Archie - [on the phone] Justine. Itís me.

 

Balcony

Fleming - [on cell phone] Thatís fine. Just give it to me ballpark.

Katrina - [sees Archie walking toward ladder] There he is!

Fleming - Iíll call you back.

Hector - Turncoat!

Fleming - Perfidy in human form.

Duncan - Unclean.

Lexie - Archie out!

All - [chanting] Archie out! Archie out! Archie out! Archie out!

Archie - [yelling] Come on, just be quiet! [chanting stops] Now, would you all come down, please? I have a few things to say to you.

Molly - [watching workmen walk past carrying lumber] Hector, whatís going on? These men--

Hector - [climbing down ladder] I thought you werenít speaking to me? Donít worry, Golly will deal with them, my heartís desire.

 

Library

Hector - Well, we await his masterís voice.

Archie - Right. Since I came back to Glenbogle a couple of centuries ago, I seem, at various times, to have angered, irritated, disappointed, and hurt some, most, maybe even all of you. Iíd especially like to apologize to you, Lexie. Iím mortified at the thought that I might have hurt you, because over the past few weeks and months, Iíve come to see just what a special girl you are.

Lexie - Thanks, Arch.

Archie - And before anyone else does a simple sum with that sentence and come up with a figure approaching the size of our overdraft, let me say that nothing has happened between us that Iím ashamed of or that warrants any explanation to anyone. Katrina, Iíd like to thank you for your unwavering help, especially your fascinating lectures on the major political issues of the day. Iím sorry if I havenít always seemed grateful, but -- you know what they say, ďAsking a voter what he thinks about politicians is a bit like asking lampposts what they think about dogs.Ē

Hector - [chuckles] Nice one, Archie.

Archie - I hope Iíll always have your support, maybe even your respect, despite my status as resident feudal relic and pet punch bag. Maybe the fact that Iím not selling out to Kilwillie will be a start.

Katrina - What are you going to do?

Archie - Mother, Father, Iíve just spoken to Justine, and Iíve accepted her offer for my share of the restaurant. Iíll use the money to pay for the underpinning--

Hector - But--

Archie - And start repaying the debt to the bank. That way we can all get on with the job of making Glenbogle viable, giving it, and us, a future.

Hector - Thatís my boy.

Molly - Archie, darling, are you sure?

Archie - Not really, no. But, um . . . it just seemed right. But whatever happens, Iím gonna make a go of it, and I hope youíll all help me. And I hope youíll all be my friends.

Hector - Well said. Damn well said.

Katrina - You donít have to blow your money, and you donít have to sell out to Kilwillie either. You could make a lot of people very happy instead.

Archie - How do you mean?

Katrina - Weíve hatched a plan. All of us. You can sell the properties in the village to the tenants.

Archie - Tenants? Could they afford it?

Katrina - They can get help from the government under the new land legislation. And weíve lined up mortgages already.

Archie - Fleming?

Fleming - Well, itís gonna help the bank get its money back, Archie.

Katrina - Itís the perfect solution for everybody, and itís good for the community.

Molly - And good for the estate.

Lexie - And for you, Archie.

Katrina - And it keeps your options open . . . with Justine.

Duncan - Everybodyís happy.

Hector - Apart from Kilwillie. [smiles]

Katrina - By the way, this was all your fatherís idea.

Archie - [looking at Hector] You?

Hector - Itís what I keep telling you, Archie. One simply must move with the times.

 

Glenbogle Estate grounds, night

Hector - This way, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you to charge your glasses. Iíd like to propose a toast to the loveliest girl in the Highlands . . . my dear wife of 40 years . . . to Molly.

All - To Molly.

Hector - [as Duncan hands him a blue and white flag] Thank you, Duncan. Gentlemen, do your worst. [waves the flag back and forth]

[Fireworks and sparklers go off next to a large sign reading ď40Ē with interlocking hearts below bearing an H and an M.]

Molly - Aah!

Hector - Happy, darling? Isnít it lovely?

Molly - Ah, yes. Wonderful. [as firework explodes] Oh.

Hector - [taking sparkler from Golly] Thank you, Golly.

Molly - Happy anniversary, you sentimental old fool.

Hector - I wanted to buy you a ruby but the fireworks were cheaper. [they kiss and turn to watch the display] Splendid.

Lexie - [handing Archie a sparkler] Well -- Archie MacDonald, thank you very much for your kind words.

Archie - Oh, I meant them. You havenít really fallen for this miserable specimen before you, have you?

Lexie - What, me? You? [laughs] Donít be daft. Who do you think I am? But -- I will tell you this, Archie MacDonald, one of these fine days, me and you are gonna finish what we started. [walks over to Fleming and Duncan] All right. Come on, boys. Letís party. And no fighting.

Archie - Here you are. [hands a sparkler to Katrina]

Katrina - You have to come down to the village tomorrow. I think your soon-to-be ex-tenants would like to thank you in person. Mrs. McLeod actually said she was sorry to be getting her own place. ďLairds have been looking after my families for centuries.Ē She was nearly crying.

Archie - How sweet.

Katrina - Demeaning, more like. In the new Scotland--

Archie - Katrina, put another record on, will you? Iíve heard this one so many times I could sing it myself.

Katrina - Listen here, matey--

Archie - No, you listen. I wanna thank you for what you did, for me and Justine. It was very generous of you. I suppose, in a way, the other way would have been easier. The decision was made for me. Burn my boats in London and settle here. But now I have to decide for myself. What to do about me and Justine . . . what to do about me and you.

Katrina - [looks up quickly] Oh? Is there such a thing as me and you?

[They lean in to kiss but are interrupted by a car approaching]

Archie - Justine.

Justine - I had to come. I felt so desolate. I canít lose you, Archie. Maybe I can change. Maybe I can come and live here . . . with you. Make our lives here. What do you think?

 

End of Episode 8, Series 1

 

1. diggies - Digestive biscuits (cookies) Back to transcript

2. abseil - [Brit] to descend a rock face using a double rope: rappel Back to transcript

3. Swallows and Amazons - a children's sailing adventure set in the Lake District of England; by Arthur Ransome (1930) Back to transcript

4. Gay Gordon - a 20th century Scottish line dance Back to transcript

5. sarnie - England colloquial; sandwich Back to transcript

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